Borderline Personality Disorder Exchange

This might be hard to read.
So pass it by.
It's from my heart.
But only for those who are safe.
I feel fragile.
I am staying in and warm today.
Yesterday was long and sad.
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Hopefully none of the rest will be shown.



I've started having strange episodes. Happened on the way to Dr.B's office on Tuesday. Happened on the way to another doctor's yesterday. And happened again today mid-morning.

I begin with crying that comes from 'nowhere'. The tears become intense and then the wailing and then the sobbing and then the screaming. The pain is in the area under my breasts and to my belly button. By pain, I mean an outer layer of pain, not so much an inside pain. It burns, it stings, it hurts.

This morning, Dr.B called and told me if it happened again, identify the placement of the pain and then close my eyes and concentrate on the image I see. And he also reminded me that when the image is on paper, to tuck in with the resources.

So when another one started today, I did what Dr.B said to do. The image is me kneeling with my head bent forward in my hands. In front of me a short distance away is everyone who cares for me. They each hold a large stone and they are going to throw the stones at me.

There are words around me: Words behind me are worthless, ugly, pathetic, fat, stupid, guilty and shame. The words in front are:
We are going to stone you!
You are not worthy of living!
It's in the past - let it go!
We hate you!
Why can't you be normal?
You are a burden and you're not worth it!
Why don't you get over it!
You have disrupted our lives for 8 years and we are sick of it and we are sick of you!

The stone throwers are family, friends, therapists, doctors, etc.

I am really tired now.