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vajanie posted:
Hi Judy, thanks for your reply. I really needed to hear from someone about now. I had a real struggle to remain positive and upbeat yesterday, probably for the first time since this began. I didn't have much time when I posted yesterday so I just put the basics.

When we were at Duke Friday I was meeting with the radiation oncologist when she had a call from my surgeon, who knew that I was with her at the time. He had received news from the lab about the status of my tumor and gave it to her. She was happy about the diagnosis and told me that it looked as if I might get away with radiation and possibly a pill form of chemo. Then he called her right back and said that the lab had called him back saying that it was not as estrogen receptor + as they had thought and she told me that what she had said about treatment was off the table and my surgeon would have to let me know my treatment options at our meeting this coming Tuesday. This was also when she told me that it was now considered aggressive. I also had my MRI at the clinic the same day so I know that a lot depends on that.

My surgeon told me at my first meeting that I am not a candidate for reconstruction. I was kind of shocked and forgot to ask him why. He did say that we might be able to look at that in the future. He is a breast surgeon and a reconstructive surgeon. I believe he is vice chair in that department.

I was also kind of horrified to learn that with the location of my tumors that radiation could leave me with some heart damage. So yes, I am now thinking about what kinds of things I do want done to my body. The oncologist and I talked a lot about quality of life and I told her about watchind my mother die of heart disease and that I didn't want my husband left with a wife who can't even raise her hand to brush her hair because of heart damage. She was very kind, spent two hours talking with me instead of my one hour appointment. She teaches radiology at Duke School of Medicine.

On the drive back home I began reading some of the literature I had gathered at the cancer center, a huge mistake. I read about some of the possible side effects of chemo and really got scared. I normally think of myself as a person who can face most anything and do what needs to be done, but I must tell you this really brought me down. We had dinner with our daughter and I had absolutely no luck in faking cheerfulness. I am normally a very good actress. I could tell it brought her down, and I certainly didn't want to do that. I had a stern talk with myself last night and felt that I had gotten back on the horse, but am slipping a bit this morning. People keep telling me that I must maintain a positive attitude, that my recovery may depend on it. I'm so new to this that I wonder, is everyone but me having success at maintaining the right attitude at all times? I know it's highly unlikely but it worries me that I'm kind of slipping like this.

I don't mean to whine, I know there are so many women out there with much worse diagnoses than mine. I think after my appointment with the surgeon I'll feel better, just knowing exactly what my status is and what can be done.

Best wishes to all and thanks for being there

Janie
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judyfams responded:
Wow Janie - that is alot to endure all at once. I am so sorry that you found your diagnosis in bits and pieces and each piece seemed to make it worse!
Stage III is a tumor that has spread to the axillary and lymph nodes and could be located close to the chest wall.
Your surgeon may have meant that you are not a candidate for immediate reconstruction - but that doesn't rule out having delayed reconstruction done after you heal from the surgery, and finish chemo and radiation. You can ask him about having delayed reconstruction. Also please know that while his credentials are outstanding - surgically speaking he may be very conservative - and you can have him do the bc surgery and then find a plastic reconstructive surgeon at a later date who might be able to do the reconstruction.
As for chemo and radiation - please know that everybody handles it differently. There are horror stories and stories of people who breezed through - and there is no way of knowing how your body will respond. There are meds to help with the side effects of chemo and radiation and my advice to you is to NOT be a hero - and ask for those meds and take them. There are many new meds on the market to help as you go through treatment.
I also know they have developed new devices/shields to protect the heart during radiation and think the radiation oncologist needlessly scared you as she has not actually seen any reports and you have not even had the surgery.
Once again while Duke has a great reputation - that doesn't mean every doctor associated with them is kind, caring and compassionate!
So my advice is for you to take this one step at a time - get all your questions written down for the breast surgeon to answer.
Make sure you get copies of all reports and scans so if you decide to go for a second opinion you will have all your information.
Also you can take some anti-anxiety meds to help you get through these initial few weeks of doctor appointments, tests and surgery.
It is very understandable that you are terrified, confused, overwhelmed and exhausted - we know that feeling. The fear of the unknown sometimes paralyzes the brain. Stage III is treatable and we do have many women on this website who are stage III and I'm sure will come forward to help you. There is a Stage III forum on breastcancer.org - another wonderful website where you can find support. Please remember when you go to these websites you can find some women who only post doom and gloom so sometimes you have to take their advice with a grain of salt!
Right now concentrate on your appointment on Tuesday. Write down your questions and do not leave the doctor's office unless you have all your questions answered! Yes, yours is a difficult journey, but it is doable and you need to know that!
Please let us know what happens on Tuesday.
Much love and big cyber hugs,
Judy
 
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mhall6252 responded:
Janie - Judy has given you some excellent advice! You are going through "normal" emotional upheaval as a result of this diagnosis. Believe me, no one stays positive all the time. You need your moments to feel angry, sad, and scared. Then, once you know the plan, the tendency is to "put on the big girl pants" and take things one step at a time. And some anti-anxiety meds are par for the course when going through treatment, so don't think you are weak if you ask your doctor for help.

I had all the fears you mention about chemo and radiation. But I made it through both without nearly the problems I had feared or read about. My radiation oncologist at Dana Farber took every precaution to protect my heart and lungs. Talk to yours about different types of radiation so that you are sure that you're getting the best approach possible.

Judy mentioned breastcancer.org - it is a wonderful resource with thousands of women joining together to support one another along this journey none of us chose. So between this discussion board and BCO, you'll find lots of comfort, consoling and help.

Take it all, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. As someone said on BCO, "you don't have to be brave, you just have to show up."

Hugs,
Michelle
Michelle
Read my blog at www.mch-breastcancer.blogspot.com
Smile and the world smiles with you!
 
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vajanie replied to mhall6252's response:
Judy and Michelle,

Thanks so much for your replies. I am feeling much better now. I put away the bag with the information on chemo until later. That bag made me feel worse just to look at it. Actually it just made me cry briefly to think about it. I'm going to take your advice on getting something for anxiety. I'll ask my surgeon on Tuesday. I have been trying to be the brave soldier for my husband and family, especially my son, but it's too wearing. Being a novice at this I was trying not to feel or show any weakness but have realized that is just not possible all the time. So thanks, I will "put on my big girl pants" (and that gave me my first laugh of the day), get something for anxiety and go for my appointments Tuesday.

Best to you,

Janie
 
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cindy12345678 replied to vajanie's response:
Janie,
Wow that is alot. Judy and Michele have excellent advice.
It is all very scary. You will get through this. Everyone that
does chemo has some side effect . But most people don't
get every side effect. I haven't shown any heart damage
from chemo yet. It may not show up for 10 yrs or more.
The point being you might get the 10 more yrs. Thats the
way I looked at chemo. It can buy you time. I don't know
about rads. I did bi-mast and alot of chemo. two primary
cancers. one her 2 and one er and pr pos. You will have
alot of big decisions. Go with what feels right to you.
They are your choices. Just know that we are all
here fighting with you! These ladies are really there!
Hang in there!
Cindy
 
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vajanie replied to cindy12345678's response:
Hi Cindy, thanks for your input. You're right, it is all scary and Judy and Michelle have given me so much good information and quieted many fears.

This community is the best resource I've found. I appreciated your thoughts on chemo. You're right, if it bought me time it would be worth it, I guess depending on the quality of that time, length, etc. I'm 67 years old and no grandchildren yet. My youngest was just married so I still have hopes, if indeed they want children. It would be nice to be there for that.

I've got lots of decisions coming up, maybe this week, so will be checking in frequently I'm sure.

All the best to you and everyone,

Janie
 
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Rachael67 replied to vajanie's response:
Janie, there is little I can add to the advice, support and encouragement the members have given. But I want to extend my hand to you, and tell you we all are sending good thoughts your way!

Blessings.
Rachael
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.
Maya Angelou
 
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mhall6252 replied to Rachael67's response:
Looks like we need to have Pinkie ready to roll on Tuesday! Janie - we'll all be onboard and accompanying you to your appointment. What's your pleasure - fancy cocktails, cabana boys, both?
Michelle
Read my blog at www.mch-breastcancer.blogspot.com
Smile and the world smiles with you!
 
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vajanie replied to mhall6252's response:
Thanks to all for your good wishes. And Michelle, I think just one of those fancy pink cocktails with a little umbrella and time to read my Kindle will do. We leave today to stay at my son's house, then meet tomorrow with the chemo oncologist and then my surgeon who will lay out my options, I hope. I just want to get started. Your encouragement and support makes all this easier. I will let you know Wednesday what happens.

Wishing you all the best,

Janie
 
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mhall6252 replied to vajanie's response:
Good luck enjoy that fancy pink cocktail and reading (I love my Kindle, too!) We'll all be with you in spirit and waiting to hear your plan.

Hugs,
Michelle
Michelle
Read my blog at www.mch-breastcancer.blogspot.com
Smile and the world smiles with you!
 
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judyfams replied to mhall6252's response:
Janie,
We are all with you tomorrow and every step of the way!
Much love,
Judy
 
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Jenna291 replied to judyfams's response:
Hoping and praying things went well with your visit. We anxiously await hearing about your treatment regimen.
I am on my 5th year post chemo and radiation, on a med for 2 more years, and overall, with the exception of some managable aches and pains, and a little stress when I allow myself to think of all I have been thru, I feel pretty darn good.
You can do it for sure!

Love the pink cocktails!!! We always have hot cabana boys serving them!

hugs,
Jenna
 
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vajanie replied to Jenna291's response:
Hi everyone and thanks so much for all the support. I really do feel it. I'm sorry I haven't posted recently but suddenly my life became very intense and we've been traveling to Duke several days a week for appointments. I'll make this short, but my MRI's came back with another suspicious area on the left, and one on the right. The right has been totally uninvolved in this whole thing until now. The result was that I had to go back and have an MRI guided biopsy on the right side. They decided not to biopsy the left because I'm having a mastectomy on August 10. This test took two hours. I don't have results yet. Also met with a chemo oncologist who became suspicious about metastasis because of a backache that's been plaguing me. So I had a bone scan the same day and don't have results on that yet either. Needless to say, that was scary. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed, with all the new developments and having trouble sleeping. Don't mean to sound so down but I guess I am. I try hard to keep a stiff upper lip for the family but I feel like I can share just how I'm feeling here. It feels safe.

Good wishes to all,

Janie
 
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Rachael67 replied to vajanie's response:
Aw, Janie, you have been on one dreadful ride! I am so sorry to hear this, but am glad that the docs are making sure no stone is left unturned and taking good care of you!

Waiting on the results of both test??? UGH! Hey, how about if we all hold hands during this time just so that you feel us beside you? Sometimes just knowing you have someone in your corner helps a bit!

Of course we will all be with you on August 10th! Keep us posted on how things are going, okay? And I am so glad that you know this is a safe place where you can be open as we have shared many of your concers having been on the same journey! Come here often!!

One last thing: If you are having trouble sleeping, please let your doctor know. It is just for such times that sleeping meds and anti-anxiety pills were created! No worry about habit-forming or dependency as you use them for a limited time. They can help you get through tought times as well as providing some rest so that you can better deal with the challenges!

Blessings.
Rachael
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.
Maya Angelou
 
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judyfams replied to Rachael67's response:
Janie,
Sorry to hear about all the extra tests that you are having. I think waiting for results are actually worse than having the tests!.
Those days of being in limbo are the absolute worst part of this disease. Please do what Rachel advises and ask the doctor for some meds to help you sleep.
My breast surgeon routinely ordered a bone scan and MRI before he did the surgery - and I had no aches and pains - so I am sorry for the reason for the bone scan, but I am glad you had it before your surgery.
I can't tell you not to worry, but when you are feeling down, please think that if there is breast cancer in the right breast - at least it was found before surgery and since it didn't show up on the mammo it might be an early stage cancer that would not have been detected until much later.
It sounds like your doctors are being meticulous in checking out everything before your have your surgery - so you are in good hands medically speaking.
Many breast medical centers have counseling services to help their patients cope with everything once they are diagnosed. These counseling services are individualized and from speaking to other women who have had this - they felt it was very helpful especially in the beginning when you have to make so many decisions and are still in schock from the diagnosis. So see if your breast center has this service and use it if you think it would help you. The first few months after diagnosis are overwhelming and you should not be a hero - but should avail yourself of all the services and meds you need to help you get through the rough times.
Please let us know how you are doing - this whole thing sucks - but you will do what you have to do and make whatever decisions you need to that will give you peace of mind.
Much love,
Judy


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