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Too Many Cancer Surprises at Once
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lukeperry posted:
I am very happy that I found this board because it's so nice. It will tell you the truth about things and also tell you how to handle it. I find it a wonderful site!

This is for Jenna291 and my other sister,Rachael 167.It has always been my pleasure, that I met you two.I love you both but don't know what to do.

My sick (cirrhosis) boyfriend is dying and he really doesn't love me and never did.(22yrs) Don't worry about that, my problem is trying to show him God and remind all the miracles he saw happen to me with his own two eye's.

O.k, O.K., The truth is I just found out that I will lose my other breast, the brain tumor, and my liver. I'm a little bit scared but I'm mostly scared for my son and daughter.They don't deserve one speck of compassion from me, but you know mother's love there kids even if the child tried to kill you.

All of these things I'm saying is me being selfish I guess. I raised my kids with tons of love, respect humans, ignore bad ones, no stealing, cheating, and serious lying. Bottom line is this. My children never knew me and now I'm a dead person with stage4 breast cancer, a tumor in my brain, and I can't talk anymore tonight, I'll write you tomorrow.

Love, L.N.
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jenna291 responded:
Oh, Luke, I feel horrible reading your post! You deserve some compassion and lots of love with all you are going thru.

How old are your kids? Do they know this latest information?
I hope they will come around and offer you some support and caring, and help with whatever you may need.

Will you be going thru chemo? Please have hope, and believe in miracles.

I feel like you and others like Rachael truly have become friends and I miss so many of the other old regulars.

Please, please come back to talk and check in. I will not be back on until Friday as I will be away with my daughter, but will check back first chance I get.

Know that people here CARE. I am sending you tons of love and cyber hugs.

Jenna
 
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lukeperry replied to jenna291's response:
Jenna,

Don't waste your mind thinking I was cheated. I have lived a life that anybody would envy! I had the greatest life on earth! It really bothers me about my spoiled rotten children though.

Their father said he would pay me what ever they cost, as long as I didn't involve him in school, punishments, or physical contact. I said, "Great Deal!" You pay and I will put you on the highest pedestal imaginable.

See he's the only truly good man that I have ever met.( we met in high school). He did his part and more because I'd make him be physical with them because I know him. I'd tell my daughter "grab him and hug him, he's just bashful.

Bottom line is. I put him on the HIGHEST pedestal, and made him out to be the most wonderful man on earth. I did it because I thought all kids need a special person to look up to. In my hast to be the perfect mother, I picked him up and put myself down. He still loves me today and doesn't know or want to know how to put him in the normal man roll. He'd rather be the king and I'm the one who did it.

I have been a loved person, and I thank God everyday for that. I've only loved one, but I got to have that wonderful year and will cherish it until I die.

God has his reason for taking my baby's away and I try to never question him. I do know that they are going to be so sorry, guilty, and full of remorse and it will be too late. The funny thing is I don't want that to happen to them. I never want them to hurt, ever!

Luke
 
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rachael67 responded:
Dear NaLuk,
Kiddo, you have far to much on your plate and insist on piling on more! It appears, too, that much of your concerns/fears for those you love are ones that YOU may be feeling as much or more than they!

(Empathy is one of the most blessed and admirable traits a human can have, but sometimes we impose OUR feelings on others, assuming that since it is this important to us, it must be equally important to them! I say that because I, too, tend to do this often, only to realize that in doing so I may not only be missing what truly IS important to them, but may be avoiding a personal encounter with these issues!

(For instance, over the years I have asked my daughter who lives a great distance from us, to please, please send us photos as we miss seeing our grandchildren. I knew she must appreciate how we feel! However, it has fallen on deaf ears as she does not value photographs or what they represent! By continuing to beg, it results in total frustration for me and an annoyance for her!

(Sometimes, difficult as it may be, one must resign themselves to the fact that as all snowflakes differ one from the other, so, too, do humans!)

As I understand it, you have been and are loved by your ex-husband, right? And you both care deeply for your children? With your help, you have established a good relationship between him and your children? (Thus far, those are all quite positive...!)

You have a boyfriend whom you love, but who appears not to love you? (I use the word "appears" as he is dealing with his own health and mortality...Lost in that kind of fog, each individual will most likely react differently...Some are so absorbed in their own fears, there is little room to focus on another. Please do not loose sight of that possibility!!)

As you cannot control his relationship with you, for the love of God (quite literally!!), how can you expect to deal with his relationship with the Almighty???? Sorry to say, but preaching over and over about YOUR relationship with God, may not only be unconvincing to him, it may also drive him further from where you are aiming!

Do as you wish to support him (or not)...That is your choice...Just don't deny him his choices as well!!

As for your kids, I am sorry to say that some individuals are very "near" sighted...seeing only themselves no matter how hard a mother or anyone might wish them to be different. The "ME" Generation is pervasive and sadly does not seem to choose to change! Of course, you continue to love them (tho' at times it must be more than difficult!!). However, they are like a black hole...The love flows from you to them, but it is only absorbed and is NEVER reflected back!

As with your boyfriend, what you wish to do in regard to them is up to you, but please stop expecting anything from them...YES!!! HOPE!!! But to expect is to open your heart to more pain, and you have had quite enough!!

"I'm a little bit scared..." Gal, if you weren't, I'd know you must be nuts!!!!! Of course you are..and confused...and lost...and very lonely...That list is endless, I am sure!!! If in the past you have not focused on your needs, there is no better time than right now!!

Make sure that you have not only the best health care/medical team you can find, but also seek a support group. (Having us or anyone online is fine, but you also need someone right beside you who can touch your hand and give you a hug when needed!!) You seem to find great comfort in religion...Find a religious leader or church or group where you can feel God's love and help. If there is any activity from a card club to a readers group to simply sitting in the sun and feeling alive that brings you comfort, do that NOW!!!!!

"Selfish"?? NO!!!!!! It's called loving yourself , and it's about time. DO NOT WASTE TIME ON PITY PARTIES FOR YOU OR FOR ANYONE!!!


You are in my heart.
Rachael
Just when the caterpillar thought her world was over, she became a butterfly! Don't give up five minutes before the miracle!!
 
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cindy12345678 responded:
Luke, You have a lot going on. You have every right to your feelings. This is a good place to get it out. It is ok to have
so called "selfish " feelings. I get that way sometimes ,
I have those feelings, you get it out then get on with what we have to do. sometimes its just all alot to deal with. thanks for sharing.
Cindy
 
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jenna291 replied to cindy12345678's response:
Luke,
I hope you are having a better week than last week. Its normal to have all kinds of feeling racing around, look at what you are going thru!
Know we are here and sending you lots of love and hugs - I do hope you can find a support group in your area. I find it to be invaluable for me as no one can understand us like those who have been thru and are going thru the myriad of issues we have!

sending you many blessings,
Jenna
 
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diytestkitsdotcom responded:
Hi Lukeperry,

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I know saying that won't necessarily make you feel better, but I just want you to know that not everyone doesn't care. Some of us would like to help even in a few words exchange through a forum like this.

I don't see you as selfish. There might be some rant in your post above, but no one can really fault you for that. You are currently going through some tough situations, after all. Admirable still, you still seem to think of others more than yourself. You express worry for your children even if they don't seem to reciprocate. Best of all, to me you seem like someone who doesn't want to give up, who will fight this cancer as best as you can.

I don't know how helpful this will be for you, but maybe if you read this article you can find something that will be inspiring for you (http://www.steadyhealth.com/articles/what-vitamin-d-has-to-offer-for-cancer-patients-a3754.html).

I hope for the best for you! Get better soon.
 
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lukeperry replied to diytestkitsdotcom's response:
Hello Girls,

I wanted to answer all of you separately, but my chemo brain makes that impossible! (laugh) You all wrote such beautiful things that you made me cry.(tears of joy) You seem to care about me more then my family and close friends. I know, it's because they are so scared, I make them see their own mortality, so they would rather pretend I'm not sick and everything is fine. All of us on here know that they're in for a rude awakening.

1st Rachael, I understood and believe everything you wrote. Me understanding you and me being able to do it are two different things. My ex is scared sh@#%less for me to die, so he acts meaner. My boyfriend is scared sh##$%&less that he's going to hell when he dies, so he all the sudden wants to distance himself from me. I promise you that I never preach to him, or even talk about God, unless he asks me. I love you for everything you told me. As for my children, they will have to explain their behavior to a higher power. By the way, I love your new name (NaLuk) for me!

2nd, Cindy, Thank you for telling me it was o.k. to cry, and say what I feel, even if the feeling don't sound so nice. You girls are my only support group. I don't drive and sometimes I can't even leave my house, so it's wonderful to have you every-time I need you. I love you.

3rd, Sweet Jenna, Thanks for being so sweet to care enough to write me. If it weren't for you girl's, I don't think I ever could have made it all these 3yrs. Next week is my MRI for the brain tumor, I will let you all know as soon as I find out.

4th, last but not least Diytestkits, thank you so much for your pearls of wisdom and even caring. You sound so very sweet and I hope to talk to you soon.(after my MRI) I'm sorry that I haven't been back here in a month! I can hardly believe it's been so long. I just found out that my boyfriend has cirrhosis of the liver. I found out because he was sleeping on my floor in the living room and I turned him over to say,"come on, lets go to bed now?" All the sudden, blood just poured out his mouth and I thought he was dead. Obliviously, he made it and now between the two of us, he's dead meat. I'm trying to be the happy person I was after I beat cancer but I can't seem to pull it off. Thank you do much for your concern.
 
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jenna291 replied to lukeperry's response:
Hey Luke,
We are a family here and I feel as though I've know you all for years. I miss so many of the old members, but grateful for those who post.

I will be praying that your mri has great results.

What a deck of cards you are dealing with. I can't believe all this going on with your boyfriend. Is getting any kind of help?

You are SO strong with all you have to deal with and I just know your future has good things in store for you~ Damn girl, you deserve all the best in life!

Anxiously await your test results ~

big hugs,
Jenna
 
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lukeperry replied to jenna291's response:
Hey Guy's, (my grandmother would say,"hey is for horses."

I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner, but I'm having to deal with a BIG baby and his liver!

The tumor is twice as big as last year but nothing to worry about. It's still considered small and he just want's to watch it. If anybody on here needs a brain MRI, make sure you insist on a "open MRI" and make sure you get a tranquilizer from your doctor for it. It wasn't bad except for the loud ass noise it made! I had on ear covers and I still thought it was going to make me deaf!

Thank you for telling me that Jenna, but as far as me being strong goes, everyone of you on here are just as strong. We are all as strong as we have to be, what alternative do we have? Sitting around crying won't do a bit of good and we all want to be good examples for the newbies.

All you guys are so sweet to tell me I'm strong. Do you know that not one person in my family, nor my ex-husband has said that to me? Not my children, sister's or brother's have said anything, except to tell me how awful I was 30yrs. ago.(I was a baby)

Update on my boyfriend...dut, dut, dut.. do....I decided that I'm not going to spend his last few month's fighting. I have loved him for 20yrs., and I will make things as nice for him as I can. Which means of course, being his slave! I decided that that's a small sacrifice, for God to let us have this time together, he should be dead. He's already been to the hospital 3times since I've been here. One time he was in a coma! (liver disease, for you guy's who don"t know)

This sounds corny but stay STRONG and God bless all of you! God give you all the strength that's sometimes hidden inside you.

Love, Luke


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