Cancer Support Group

In Feb. 2008 my mother became ill and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At the time of diagnosis she was stage 2. My mother was 60 years old at the time. She is now 62 years old.

In June 2008 she under went Whipple surgery and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. After recovery she went into radiation treatments for 35 treatments and then chemo for 6 months. Mom was in remission for about 1 year. When retesting every 3 months her CA-19-9 started to increase.

Mom kept telling the family that her cancer had returned but I guess we wanted to not hear what she was saying because according to her numbers she was in remission and not in the danger zone of reoccurance. In April 2010 her numbers had went up to 52. In June 2010 the oncologist re ran the test and it was 238. He ordered a PET scan. Not only were her numbers going up but she had jaundice, kidney failure, and a brain aneurysm.

The PET scan revealed that the bed of the pancrease, small bowel, and liver were now affected by the cancer. The cancer was and is spreading.

I at that time asked the oncologist how long she had. He said 6 weeks to 6 months. This is depending on how she is willing to deal with this.

We are now 4 weeks since this new diagnosis and mom is failing quickly. Hospice has been called in. We are living one day at a time. My sister and dad are with my mom 24/7. I am there when I can due to my job but I have applied for FMLA. Mom has gotten to the point of her sugar is completely out of control and drop in the danger zone on a daily basis. She is starting to slur her words. She is becoming incontinet. She barely eats. Her memory is failing. She cant do simple tasks anymore.

My other issue is with Hospice. I have had to call and report her nurse who doesnt seem to care. She is very rude and short with everyone. We are now waiting for a response as to getting someone else to come in for her. We have requested more visits during the week which she only comes 1 day a week right now and you would think that we are putting her out by asking.

I run the range of crying, laughing, blaming, and hysterics daily. I know I am losing my mother daily and cant do a thing about it. I was going to the doctor visits with her and wanted them to do more. I wanted her to do more. But she had at this point resigned her self to the fact that this was her fate and she had made her peace with God. I have worked in a nursing home before and I have dealt with sick patients. But this is my mother and this is killing me. I am heart broken. What more can I do? What more can be done? ... The tears I cry are endless. I never cry when I am with her. I try to be strong for her. I try to do as much as I can when I am there. But I want to make her better. I dont want her to be sick. Call me selfish but I love her.

Is this wrong of me? Why do I know question faith? I have prayed and prayed and other times I ask why? I guess it is not for me to question but to some how find what the lesson is in this..............