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Brother and Sister-In-Law Expecting
Lin_Lou posted:
I'm facing attending (and helping host) my sister-in-law's baby shower this coming weekend. I dread thinking about going. Basically since I found out they were expecting in August, I've been blue. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years with active trying on and off but no luck. I kept thinking that things would finally fall into place and we'd get pregnant so I kept putting off seeing the doctor.

For some reason, when my little brother told me they were expecting, it sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety, nervousness and worry. I'm 31 and my husband is 32. We just started seeing an RE and am on my first round of Clomid. I can't help but feel as though I waited too long to start seeing someone about our fertility issues. That, along with constantly trying to deal with my nephew coming and struggling with my feelings of sadness but being happy for my brother and his wife, feels like a battle I'll never win.

Just wondering if you all can relate. Some days I feel like how can anyone know how to relate to me when sometimes my emotions change from one hour to the next. I just never know when something's going to hit me wrong. I feel so much guilt with all the jealousy I feel where my brother and sister-in-law are concerned.

deliela999 responded:
That is tough. I haven't been through this yet. We were surrounded by people having babies last year (seriously 6 babies out of a group of 30 at work and 3 new niece and nephews), but we hadn't been trying too long then. Now I'm to the point of having trouble seeing pregnant women at the grocery store and crying when someone else announces on facebook that they are pregnant. I think it's ok to be happy for them and sad for yourself at the same time. If it gets to be too much go hide in the bathroom and give yourself a minute to be upset. If they know your struggles I'm sure they'll understand. I haven't told many people so I know how tough it is to try and put on a happy face since I don't want everyone in my business. Good luck!
maragayle responded:
Those moments in life really are bittersweet. My older sister is going to be 31 this year. She had been dragging her feet for years about starting a family. Suddenly she and her husband decided to get the urge to start trying right when I announced we were trying and had been having problems. She's always wanted the first grandchild, so I think I was her motivation. Of course, she got pregnant right away. My nephew was born last May. I love him to pieces and would do anything for him, but I'm also a bit resentful and I can't help feeling that way.

My coworker and I got married about the same time. We've become pretty close in the last two years. Since I can remember, she was saying she would need at least 5-10 years before she started TTC. I confided in her that DH and I were going to start trying right after our wedding. A couple of months later she was pregnant with her little girl. They "decided that they wanted one now."

The truth is, people in our lives are going to start their families whether or not we're struggling to start our own. There are going to be people we know who have no issues getting pregnant who have no business being parents, too. The bittersweet emotions of welcoming someone else's baby won't go away until we're expecting ourselves. Once we have a baby of our own, it will be easier to be genuinely happy for other people. You're certainly not alone. I think most of us have been there and felt what you're feeling. Good luck with your first round! Let us know how it's going.
Me 23, DH 24, TTC 18 months, on round 6 of Clomid
mrs62610 responded:
I can totally relate. My brother and SIL are having baby #2. They told us in October and I couldn't help but give a look as if they had just stabbed me. I quickly shook myself inside and was like omg that is wonderful! Congrats! Even though I am happy for them and I LOVE my niece and will love my new niece or nephew, it still hurts. I cried my eyes out when they left. Last Sunday at church they had a woman who had recently had a baby bring her son up to the front and pray for them, the pastor went on and on about how cute he was and the congregation went awwwww.......I was trying to fight back tears. We go to church with my in-laws and that would have been bad as they don't know we are trying.

Anyway, I tell you this to let you know you are not alone. That is why I love this forum. Everyone here can relate in some way. Come back and vent as much as you need to, it's great therapy!
Me-24 DH-37 TTC 1st for 9 months. Start 1st round of Clomid 12/29!
Lin_Lou replied to mrs62610's response:
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and advice. I know I'm not the only one going through this but when you're constantly having to put on a brave face and smile and carry on as though you're ecstatic for others, it feels very lonely. It's nice to come on here and get feedback from others in the same boat as myself.

Thanks so much, again, for sharing. It really puts me at ease to read all your kind and reassuring words. My skin isn't very thick right now so it's a good feeling...even if it only lasts for a little while.

Thanks girls.
HootyBird1 responded:
It is really big of you to help host someone else's Baby shower, I don't think I could do it.

I am not really happy for anyone pregnant or who has children, I am even jealous of my own Mom for having me!

The only thing that gets me through my evil thought which I do feel guilty for, though I tell myself I shouldn't. Is to think even worse evil thoughts things that make my husband and I laugh I will say anything to myself just to tear up the super perfect family image my mind is creating over the baby or pregnant women. like " OMG here husbands ears are so big poor baby , it might fly out" Isn't this horrible, but it helps me.

SOmetimes that helps other times I really do count my blessing and try to tell myself my baby is out there, she/ he is just late. And when he/ she gets here, we will be the best family ever and show the others how it is done. Though I am still early in my infertility treatments, and I doubt I will be able to keep this, belief my baby is coming, up for long.

My 20 year old sister is 20 weeks pregnant with her boyfriend of 9 months! She knew everything I was going through with infertility. Then she spent her whole first trimester on my futon so I would take care of her, Ya know why cause I am the "Mommy" in the family and if anyone wants to be babied they come to me! But where is my BABY?? I am a little bummed that she will be having the first grandchild, and now my Mom never knows what to say to me, and has already started giving my sister family heirlooms for her baby and over the next few weeks they are traveling the East coast doing baby activities.
Lin_Lou replied to HootyBird1's response:
It is SO frustrating to see people, even family, getting pregnant with no problems at all when you're struggling. We're reading constantly and compiling all sorts of information, taking medicine, getting bloodwork drawn, having sonograms done and trying to time sex just perfectly so that we can just have a chance at boosting our prospects of becoming pregnant. Meanwhile, people are out doing whatever they want, whenever they want, without a care in the world and they get pregnant. SOMETIMES WITHOUT EVEN TRYING. It's maddening. It's hard to do the positive self-talk when you see that happen when every day of your cycle is planned out. I'm a Medical Laboratory Scientist so I see these situations walking into the clinic every day. When you're consistently surrounded by pregnant women, babies, other people's positive pregnancy tests, etc., it's hard to be positive about your own set of circumstances. I'm very lucky that I have an amazingly supportive and sensitive family. I don't know what I'd do without my mom and dad. They do a great job at maintaining a balance between myself and my brother. I don't know how they do it sometimes...being so happy at being first-time grandparents with my brother's son on the way and then trying to be there for me and understanding my need for a child. They're great, along with my husband. I just keep trying to maintain and hope all our efforts pay off. For me, talking to God helps. Sometimes it's all you have at the end of a bad day. Hang in there girlie. Our turn is coming.
mom2bhopeful10 replied to Lin_Lou's response:
When you first posted this I felt for you, at the time I didnt have anyone in my family that was expecting. It was bad enough for me that some of my sisters friends who I have known for along time were having babies and I couldnt bring myself to go to their baby showers bc the thought of them made me upset. I have been working with a women who is expecting next month and it has been all I can do to stay positive and put on a happy face for her, I found out friday at work they want to have a baby shower before she goes on leave and I just dont think I can bare it. It makes me feel stupid but as soon as it was announced I had this rush of emotion go through me and had to compose myself.

But I know exactly how you feel now, last weeknd my 20yr old niece called and told me that she was 12wks pregnant. Talk about a kick in the gut! It was all I could do to make it off the phone with her before I broke down. I think I cried for a good two hours after she called. It made me feel like such a failure that after over a year I have not been able to achieve the one thing I have wanted since I can remember and she could achieve it without even trying or wanting to (she says she was on the pill). I know she says it wasnt her plan or what she was wanting but at the same time it makes it that much harder to deal with. She isnt ready, wasnt planning, yet she has recieved and I would give anything for it to be me! I am so jealous I hate even thinking about it....the only thing that makes it a little easier right now is that she lives several states away.....I have been putting my faith in God that he has a plan for me and hopefully he will give us the miracle of life soon! Praying for all of us!
Me(25)DH(36)TTC(12months)Clomid 1st(1/12)
flordetierra responded:
I totally know what you mean! I've wanted a baby ever since I can remember. Finally, a year ago, my husband and I started to try. After a couple of months without success I went to doctor/s and was diagnosed with PCOS. It's still possible to get pregnant, but the chances are slimmer and keeping a baby until full term was also slim. So there we were dealing with my PCOS, when out of the blue, my little brother and his girlfriend get pregnant!!! I tried so hard to mask my jealousy and overall sadness that I ended up having an emotional break down. It was horrible. I felt so uncomfortable around them. I felt like I was giving her the dirty eye all the time. Then I would feel pangs of guilt, when I would remember that it was my little brother's offspring I was envying. It's an emotional roller coaster!!!!!! My brother's girlfriend is five months along pregnant today. I felt the baby move in her belly. I had mixed emotions. I wanted to smack them and tell them, "Do you realize what you've done to me?! Couldn't you have been more considerate??!!!" But of course that wouldn't make sense to tell them that.

As of now I just cope and keep hopeful that one day I will have my little bundle.

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