coconut patch

My closest and dearest friends, even as a little girl, have always been of the male persuasion. I've never been a girly girl although I can fake that when I wanna...hehe. A lil makeup, some heals, sexy dress and look out!

But I'd like to go back to enjoying some of that male company. And yes, two may be from the past one - one a very very very distant past...and another with a more recent history. In fact, he's been a part of my recovery and learning to believe in myself again.

I'm being extremely selective in who I let back into my life..or even who I let in to begin with since my PTSD issues are linked mostly to abusive relationships and abandonment.

The one who was part of my recovery is married. We always both just remained friends, even though there was a chemistry there. As things with me deteriorated, I can remember his anger at my chosen partner for not taking more responsibility on for caring for me. When all hell broke loose with my mom and she dumped me, literally, out on the street, little did I know he went and confronted her. And then I cut everyone out. I disappeared for a long time.

Well anyways, I guess him seeing me past the suicide attempts, the total disappearance from his life for a year, he's had a lot of time to think about the role we've both played in each other's lives. He told me the other day he's preparing to file for divorce. And it's me he's loved all this time.

My concern here is....we've always ignored this before. Now it's something we have to talk about. And while he has ALWAYS held a part of my heart, I'm hesitating. Therapist told me I needed my equal or someone stronger. He meets and exceeds this. So maybe I'm just afraid of what I should have been getting from a relationship all along?

As for the other one...he was who I dated before I met my ex-husband. It was a tumultous point in my life. Almost a month before my dad passed from a cancer where I was his medical surrogate at 21. And I met my ex on a night where this man who'd I'd been happy as a clam with up to that point, broke a date to go line dancing to go drinking with the guys on st patrick's day. It's not he didn't fight to get me back..cause he did. Flowers. Coming by. He and the ex even got into a physical altercation where I liked to go to dance (my relief of stress from dealing with my dad). And I cut him out. But he haunted me in my dreams....with my dad...because he'd seen me up to the almost end. So I decided to confront him...we met....talked.....had a beer or 2....and i drove him home because he was completely intoxicated over me explaining i was never returning. On my way back to his house.....it was raining, dark....a dark back road I never recognized....an unmarked hairpin turn and a standard tranny....i slammed on the brakes, hit the clutch, turned the wheel and spun. I remember hitting the dumpster on my side. I vaguely remember him getting me into the passenger seat....getting me to his house. I was hyperventilating asking for my ex whom he called as well as EMT's. We've refound each other too. Just as strong as I am too.

I'm going home soon. He knows everything that has happened. I've hidden nothing. He's supported every decision I've made in the last few months. But most of all he's opened this window to my life I'd forgotten existed. That confident, brazen, flirty woman I'd always been prior to getttin married. He's reminded me of who I once was and who I was when I was with him. So many firsts. Jewelry. Last xmas I ever celebrated.

So....with all that out there...what cha think????