Coping with Pregnancy Loss Community

When I was 17 (mind you this was 8yrs ago) I lost my baby at 8wks gestation. I had a d/c to & I can honestly say that even though I recovered physically I still haven't completely recovered emotionally. I have 2 daughters now & they are well & healthy after 2 very difficult pregnancies, lots of bed rest, & one being premature. I feared every day of both pregnancies & even now although they are 3yrs & 1yr old. I locked myself in my room for 3months after my loss & would just cry. I didn't want to see anyone at all. I think you're doing better than I did right now. Just take it one day at a time. Eventually it wont be so bad, although you will never forget. Sometimes I still cry & beg my unborn child for forgiveness even though I know it wasn't my fault. Anyway...everyone deals with it differently, you just have to find the way that works for you & if you don't want all the "helpful" people helping you then just be honest & ask them for a little space for now. You need your own grieving period. Sometimes it helps to just have some time to yourself, although probably not as much as I took...that obviously wasn't healthy. I don't really talk about it much....I was just a kid, but telling your story here might help you. I have talked with my husband about it a little, since he didn't even know me at the time he doesn't completely understand but he does his best. I think finding an outlet to just vent everything would be helpful & healthy & this just might be the place for you to do that...maybe even me. I wasn't even planning on responding to any posts...just wanted to check out the community, but I thought about what I went through when I read our post & just wanted to let you know my experience & that life does go on & you will be ok & maybe even have other children if you decide to try again. I'll keep an eye on your post if you want to talk anymore. You will be ok in time & don't let people be pushy with you or overbearing if you really just need the space than stand up for yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad that I'm not the only one to go through this. It seems like it would be easier to cope but all the difficulties I had with my old OB are making it a little more difficult to say the least. I've been trying to take it one day at a time. It seems promising that I may be able to get pregnant as soon as the waiting period is over because I ovulated on November 27th, a couple weeks after my m/c and d&c. It's just the waiting that is really hard to get through because I would like another baby now but i know that my body isn't completely healed. I'm in the middle of my first AF since everything happened, I was hoping that I could get tghrough it without more birth control pills but unfortunately the bleeding was so heavy that my new OB had me to start taking one of the sample packs of pills. One every 8 hours until I finish the pack. I'm praying that after this I won't have to take anymore birth control. But my doctor said that on the off chance that I do nave to go back on them to control my hormone levels and keep them stable, we would have to go a different route as far as having another baby. Praying though that my body gets with the program and doesn't have to be back on the hormones again. I just wanna find the easiest way to cope with the loss. It's so hard just coping.

It's gonna be hard for a while hun, but you will be ok in time. Just make sure everyone else allows you the time you need. There is no easy way to cope, you just have to allow yourself to feel what you feel & to grieve & at some point it will start to stop hurting so much.

When you do decide to try again make sure you are not only physically ready but mentally & emotionally ready as well. You're lucky in some ways that I was not. At least you have a supportive family & a man who seems understanding & caring. I had a family that seemed almost happy about my loss considering my age I suppose I understand it some, but they surely didn't have to show it so much. & since I was a teen I had no man @ my side to be supportive or help me cope. I was 100% completely alone & just a child at that. Sometimes life just sucks & it isn't always fair, but I just try to think about as everything happens for a reason. I hold my children more dear now then I would have then & I'm more mature because of it, I wasn't ready to be a mom at 17, I would have had no help, I would have gone down a different road & probably not finished school or gone to college, my babies dad was a dead beat druggy, I never would have meet my husband to have the daughters I have now. When I put it in perspective years later now I see that it happened for a reason. I'm still sad about my loss & wish it never happened, but at least I feel I have some understanding of my reasoning & that does help.

Please just don't push yourself to feel ok because that makes it harder. Take it one day at a time & allow yourself to feel what you feel so you can move on when you're ready. You will be ok in time. You really will. & I'm here for you if you want to continue to blog with me. Post any time & will respond as soon as I see it. I'm on here almost everyday. ok?

Hi, I'm new on here and I was hoping I might find a way to help me cope. Last summer I got engaged and we found out a month later I was pregnant. I was not happy at first- I really freaked out actually. We got married the end of June and I moved out of state to be with my husband. So much happened in such a short period of time. I got a migraine in the moving truck on the way to my new home- never had a migraine in my life. Started trying to unpack after arriving and had a horrible fight with my husband over the dog sleeping in the bed...then got another migraine. Long story short, what started as a recurring migraine turned into a migraine that never went away and I was in pain 24/7. Ended up in the er with bleeding and found out I was carrying twins and one of them had stopped developing. Then a week later the OB/GYN discovered the other had lost the heartbeat as well. I was stuck in bed for over a month because of the migraine and I couldn't even take care of myself. I ended up having a D&C after losing the pregnancy because my body just wasn't letting go. This was end of July.

At first my husband was supportive. I realized how much I wanted a baby from this experience, and he had wanted the baby too. He had been very happy about the pregnancy from day one. But when I wasn't healing after losing the pregnancy he changed. I ended up having to go to a neurologist to get rid of the migraine. Then I had to go back to the OB/GYN because I was getting a period every other week. My body wasn't getting back to normal on it's own. The OB/GYN put me on birth control pills to try to kick start my body back into a regular cycle.

My husband lost his mom last March, and he never had a chance to work through her death before all of this happened. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past five months and he is not able to be there for me emotionally. He doesn't want to ever talk about what happened or think about whether he wants to try again. I am going to be 39 next month and I am so scared I won't have the chance to become a mother.

Anyway, I know this is a little disjointed and I apologize, but I am so stressed out and I feel like my husband does not understand my grieving process. I have been off the birth control pills now for 3 weeks and he will not talk to me about wanting to try again but we are not using any protection...it's pretty confusing. I keep thinking that must mean deep down he really does still want to have a baby if he is taking that risk. But on the other hand, he is hardly ever in the mood so I guess our chances aren't that high.

I have started looking for work because my husband is upset that I'm not working, but all I can do is think about how much I want to have a family and be a mother. I know I'm not supposed to say I don't want to work, and it sounds terrible, but I don't. I wanted to have a baby and be a mom. I have worked as a nanny for over 20 years taking care of other people's families and I am ready for a family of my own. I'm trying to give my husband the space and time he needs because I know he has a lot of feelings of his own to work through even though he doesn't want to talk about it. I just wish men and women worked through this stuff the same way. I need to be close to him and he needs space. It's so unfair.

I keep seeing friends announcing pregnancies and other friends or family members are having babies and it is breaking my heart. I am happy for them, but I feel like everyone is allowed to have a baby but me. I am trying to find ways to relax because I can't help wondering if all the stress contributed to my miscarriage. I worry about everything, including what if I actually can't get pregnant again or what if something is actually wrong with me and even if I get pregnant I have another miscarriage...I know I need to try to be positive but it's so hard.

So I could use a good support group while I go through this.

Hello, I'm glad you're seeking some type of help & support since your husband isn't currently able to give it to you. I would like to start by telling you that you could always contact the national share organization. They have a web site & numbers for each state & provide one on one counseling, family counseling, & have support groups. I have my local number for share that I can post for you & they should be able to give you the number for your state... It's 812-485-4646. It seems as though your husband is conflicted right now, but it is really important for you two to be able to communicate. You need to know where each other stand on this issue of whether or not to continue to try for another (hopefully) successful pregnancy. Perhaps you two should discuss the concept of adoption or becoming foster parents. I think that you both may need to seek some couples counseling to help you though this issue together. Try to be patient with him & understand he is grieving too, just in a different way...& to top it off it really sounds like he has a lot going on emotionally. You are right though...he doesn't understand your grieving process, at least not fully, he is a man so for starters he can never know what it's like to not only create life but to carry it inside you as well. It will always be different for a woman than a man. Maybe you guys can work out some kind of compromise to you needing him & him needing space that makes it to where you both get some of what you need & want. I doubt your stress caused your miscarriage...my doctor told me that it's very unlikely & there are always other contributing factors. Personally I think you need to look at this a little different. You need to grieve...we all do. Second you need to be patient with your husband, but you also need to be able to communicate with him. Third try to remember everything happens for a reason. Right now I know that is hard to except, but it's true. Check out the post on here called "heart broken". There are a lot of wise words in that post that may help you come to terms to some extent & begin to grasp the concept that this was suppose to happen & in time you will find the reason. You have a lot going on in your life as it is right now & this just may not have been the right time for you, but when it is right it will happen & if you're not meant to carry a bio child there are other options, invetro or serigate or adoptions are other avenues you could look into & see if they might be for you. Keep an open mind & an open heart. You don't have to be positive. It's so normal to be scared or depressed or anxious...the list goes on. Just be you & if your scared be scared, but don't give up. All in all you will in time be ok. Really though I think you should join us in the "broken heart" post...I think it will help you.

Thank you. I will go check out the heartbroken thread. I so appreciate your reply, and to the author of the original post- I hope you are doing better. I hope you have had luck balancing your hormones...it has been a nightmare for me. My fingers are crossed that my body has finally jumped back into gear. It's nice anyway to find a place where I can "talk" to other women who can relate to what I'm going through.

Guennie, I can understand what you're going through. My husband's mother died of colon cancer on October 1st last year (the day after he had shoulder surgery) only about 6 months after being diagnosed. He was already negative and angry at God before I found out I was pregnant. He has 5 daughters (1 is mine) and 2 grandchildren with 2 more on the way and kept saying he feels too old to have another (he's only 42). He had a bad attitude about the pregnancy when we found out, so then I in turn was having 2nd thoughts about it. I told him about the pregnancy the day after Christmas, and then the next day our beloved pet guinea pig (which he was closest to the most) died. He got really negative after that. I knew a few days after the positive test that something wasn't right with the pregnancy, because I never had any symptoms and had started spotting and having cramping right away. To make a long story short, I went through heck the last several weeks having my hCGs continually checked and continuous sonograms looking for any signs of viable pregnancy with nothing showing and had heavy bleeding and clotting last week and told that I had miscarried. My hCGs continued to go up, though, even though not doubling like they should but never did. This week it was confirmed by an OB/GYN that I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have an injection of methotrexate to get rid of it. So, now I'm waiting to confirm the ectopic is going to be taken care of and waiting for my hCG to drop to 0. I was especially devastated, because I knew how my husband felt about having another and had even made the comment that he was afraid to have sex again that this would happen again. I finally told my husband how this was even harder for me knowing that this was my last chance for another baby, and he made a comment about not being so sure about that which got us talking quite a bit about we both felt, and he has agreed now that as along as the nerve conduction study on his hand (he's been having tingling in it since the surgery) comes back okay and his hand can be fixed so he can go back to work as a mechanic, then he would be open to trying again if that is what I want to do. So, maybe if you can get him to sit down with you and both of you discuss your feelings, maybe he'll start to turn around. Maybe you can approach it by telling him you know he is hurting with what happened with the pregnancy and the loss of his mother, but it would be very helpful for you to heal if you could talk together about how you feel. Maybe he would be open to meeting with your doctor and discussing the options for you and what the doctor feels are your chances of having a healthy pregnancy. Perhaps he is afraid of losing someone else and afraid of what it will also do to you if this would happen again and in turn losing you. Talking about it with others who have been there does help a lot. My email is mom52be@yahoo.com if you need to talk. Good luck to you and hope things are going better with you.

Hi Guennie,

I am just purely guessing here, but maybe your husband is worried about something happening to you. I had a miscarriage, a ruptured ectopic and I almost died, and then another miscarriage before getting pregnant again. After the ectopic, and next miscarriage, my husband and I did a lot of talking. He told me that he felt really helpless seeing me in so much physical and emotional pain, and that by continuing to try and get me pregnant has done nothing but hurt me. He said he felt like he himself was a weapon, and wanted to stop having sex so I didn't have to hurt anymore. It took weeks for me talking to him and telling him that this was a risk I was willing to take again and again if it meant we got a baby in the end. He only saw me in pain, and felt guilty for causing it. If I hadn't talked to him at length about everything we went through, I don't know that I would have guessed that was his take on things. I really strongly urge you to sit down and have some tough, open, honest discussions with your DH.

The other thing I will tell anyone is that you need support after a loss. Most men I know don't get subtle hints. If you tell them you need support, they have no clue what that means. When I told my DH that, he just went about his normal business. When I told him I needed a hug, a kiss, back rub, help with putting on shoes, washing my hair, etc, he was more than happy to help. It actually made him feel like he was able to do something to take away some of my pain, and he didn't feel so helpless just watching me suffer. Just explicitly tell him what you need, and try to be patient with him. He probably has no idea what to say or do for you. Teaching each other what you need in difficult times, and what kind of support and nurturing to give is immensely important as you go through life together. I am sorry you are both having a difficult time so early in your marriage, but when you get through all of this together, you will hopefully come out stronger on the other side.

Good luck to you!

Thank you, ladies. I so appreciate your responses and your support. I am sorry for what each of you have been through as well.

I think that my husband is definitely worried about going through the same thing again if I were to get pregnant. I'm sure he did feel helpless and it was probably magnified by the fact that he had just lost his mom to cancer and felt helpless in that situation as well. I've tried to acknowledge his feelings but he is one of those men who was taught that showing any emotion makes you weak, so he really hasn't let me be there for him. I keep trying to work on our communication but so far he's just not able to talk to me. He just shuts down.

I think I'm going to have to accept that it's going to take more time for him to move past everything that has happened. He isn't ready to start talking about the future again. It's so hard, because I do want to move forward and I don't want to wait until I'm any older to try again...but I have no choice but to be patient. I'm trying so hard to believe everything will happen the way it's meant to happen.

It took 5yrs after my lose before I conceived again, but it happened & now I have 2 beautiful healthy toddlers. It's almost 9yrs now...

I have wonderful news!!! So February was a very difficult month for me...both because February 7 was my due date and I was depressed about turning 39. My husband and I continued to struggle and I was feeling rather hopeless. But last Monday I suddenly felt a very familiar feeling come over me so I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!!!

I was so scared to tell my husband because I didn't know how he was going to feel about it. More good news- he is happy!

We are both so scared after what happened last time but I'm trying to stay positive and focus on taking care of myself. I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks and I cannot wait to see that heartbeat. I am just going into my fifth week and so far the biggest change is that I feel tired a lot and I can feel that my uterus has grown. Crossing my fingers!!!

Oh my goodness! I'm so happy for you! I will keep you in my thoughts & please keep us updated. Stay positive ok. Positive thinking is a powerful thing. I'm glad your husband is happy.

I had my first ultrasound today and I am a nervous wreck. According to the calendar I should be at 6 weeks 2 days, but the sac only measured 5 1/2 weeks and we couldn't see anything inside. The doctor said either it's too early to see anything or I have a blighted ovum. He told us we are going to remain cautiously optimistic and I go in for another ultrasound next Wednesday to see if there is any difference.

I'm trying to stay positive but it's so hard.

Oh, Guennie, I'm so sorry you're having to go through the waiting game. Sending lots and lots of positive vibes that it is just too early to see anything. Please keep us updated. xxx