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Heart Broken
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Anon_142575 posted:
My husband and I had tried for well over a year to get pregnant, and finally in October, I found I was pregnant. We were overjoyed and had so many big plans for our future with our baby and at almost 5 weeks I spotted for exactly 7 days, then it went away. Of course, I went to the doctor and the doctor checked me out and said everything was ok, which was a huge relief. The doctor, at first, thought I was 10 weeks pregnant because of the way my period was, but then later discovered that I was only 5 weeks and wanted me to come back in 10 days to have an ultasound to make sure the baby was growing properly, out of concern from the bleeding. I went back ten days later and the baby had a low heart rate. The doctor then recommended I come back in 10 more days and that was when tragedy struck. The baby had no heart beat. I refused to accept this, so I told the doctor that I wanted to get a recheck, so I went back in a few days and still no heart rate and there was no blood flow to the baby. My husband and I are both so heartbroken over this, I just don't know how to cope with it. To make matters worse, the doctor gave me medication to pass the baby and I will never take the medication again, if this ever happens again... I pray that it does not happen again, but I was so miserable with pain and bleeding, and having to see my baby come over like that, it was a horrible experience. My husband wants to try again, right away, but I do not know if I want to... I'm so scared this will happen again. I already had a miscarriage almost 7 years ago and I haven't gotten over this and it happened to me again. Does anyone have any advice or counseling for me? Please please help me get through this.

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jenkoelenko responded:
I'm sorry you're heartbroken... Its a hard thing to lose even one baby, I can only imagine about 2! I didn't answer your poll, because it takes different periods of time for women to be physically ready to get preggers again, depending on circumstances before pregnancy, the pregnancy, misscarriage, and resolving the misscarriage. The best person to poll would be your OBGYN. They'll be able to give you best answer for a happy and healthy pregnancy. Last, but NOT least: don't feel pressured to get pregnant again right away. Go at your own pace. Being physically prepared for pregnancy is only part of getting ready... take care of yourself and make sure that you are mentally and emotionally ready to try again. feel free to give us a holler whenever you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, or heart to mourn with. This is one of the best ways we can help out not only eachother, but ourselves as well. I wish you good luck and happy moments of peace.
 
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mrsb10 replied to jenkoelenko's response:
Thank you for your support. I appreciate the advice. I did speak with my doctor and he told me that he didn't recommend any waiting, just whenever I'm ready. I told him I was scared to try again and he told me there was no reason to be scared, but after losing two babies, I am very weary about trying again. My husband is dealing with this in a weird way, as well. He will not even talk about trying again, which hurts too... I will just have to take it day by day and see what happens then.
 
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myRaymond responded:
Hello Anon 142575, first I would like to say that I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very heartbreaking experience. It becomes a huge hole in your heart and I feel not even my own worst enemy should go through it. I know because I lost my son at 23 wks about 10 months ago. I am still hurting suffer with depression from time to time. I can be driving down the road and just start crying because I opened my heart to something that is no longer there. The only thing that gives me comfort is that God did this for a reason and I have to trust Him. It hurts like crazy & for me to had to vaginally deliver my deceased child was very hurtful. So I do understand the hurt that you are going through. My advice is take all the time you need to grieve & cry. Get it all out and I hope your hubby is suportive so that you may talk with him when you need to. I do have a supportive hubby but I did have to go to counseling because it became so hard to just get out of bed. And I have 2 other living kids and I know that they need me. One thing I also try to remember is I know my son would not want me to be sad over this. My Raymond would not want me all depressed and sulking and I do not want that to be the end to his life. Where there is a scenario of I got prego, my son lived to 23 wks, and then he died, and I lost my mind. That is not how I want his life to be remembered. I want it to be I got prego, helived to 23 wks, he died, and something positive came out of his life. Make some kind of change so your 2 deceased kids living will not be in vain. On a positive note you statrt back trying when you already for it. Three months after I lost my son this same year God allowed me to get prego again with another boy. I was not trying at all to get prego again. And I must admit that I was scared and devasted because of fear of the unknown. The pregnancy went well until a week ago he decided he wanted to come 11 wks early. I was fearful the first few days but to God be the glory he is really progressing well. He is really giving them a hard time in the NICU. LOL But they are saying that if he keeps progressing well and gaining weight by the middle of next month he should be able to come home. So, don't be discourage it is going to happen just TRUST GOD. And I know how hard that can be. It all will work out. So I have a kind of crazy story I lost a son this year and gained a son this year. Crazy I know but it will happen for you as well. You never know it just might be double for your trouble (TWINS) next time. Keep smiling & much peace & love
 
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mrsb10 replied to myRaymond's response:
I am so sorry for your loss. I was really thankful that I did not find out what the baby was, because that would hurt even more and my heart hurts for you, having to go through that. I am so happy that you had another baby, that is amazing. Your little one can give them a hard time in the NICU all he wants, because that just shows it is strong willed and it is God's will for you to have that child. My husband is supportive, for the most part, but he still doesn't understand the depressing side of this, where I break down and cry, at random times. I want to try again, right away, but he will not even speak of it. Maybe he will change his mind soon... I know that it bothers him to think it could happen again, but if we don't take the chance, then we will never know. Thank you so much for your support and replying to my post. Good luck with your baby boy and God bless you!
 
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myRaymond replied to mrsb10's response:
I hate to feel this way but it is my belief that our husbands as good as they are will never understand how this takes a toll on us. We carried our babies and nutured them and took the necessary steps for them to be healthy. So, I felt the same way as you that my husband doesn't understand and he admitted that he really doesn't understand the depth of all the hurt. It has been ten months and four days and I still have spells were I break out in tears, you would think it happend yesterday the way I get at times. I too also have depressing spells. It is something that I have told myself you will always have this pain but you must learn how to cope with it. For me it was the opposite way around my husband was eager to try and I wanted to wait and get myself together to see if I wanted to try again. I feel that your husband doesn't want you to hurt again. He knows you are hurting and it's hurting him that you're hurting and he doesn't want to take you through that again. But I feel since you have the courage to do so try again. So in do time we will hear about you being pregnant again and how it's progressing along wonderfully. Take care much peace & love
 
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An_240941 replied to myRaymond's response:
I lost my baby almost 9 yrs ago now....I still cry at times....even though I have 2 beautiful & healthy daughters now. It's still hard on me, especially at holidays. I was only 17yrs old when it happened at 8wks gestation. It wasn't meant to be & I was in no way ready to be a mom, but none-the-less it was devastating. It happened for a reason though & I understand that now although it took a long time to come to terms with. I feared every day of both pregnancies & went to the dr.s office & hospital more than I needed to & had extra ultra sounds taken during both pregnancies, & my girls both came early...one at "term" (37wks) & one preemie (35wks) but healthy. All I wanted was to be a mom & when I was ready it happened. My husband didn't know me back then & only knows of my loss because of my opening up to him. He doesn't fully understand of course, but is as supportive as can be. I found that talking & being fully honest about everything usually helps things...even when it's hard to get those things out sometimes you just have to. This website is the first time I've ever discussed this stuff with anyone other than my husband....but it's important I talk to him.

Anyway, I know women who had several miscarriages only to end up having children later (my sister had over 10 miscarriages in between the 2 sons she did end up birthing, they are 8 yrs apart), I have known women who had already birthed healthy children who have had miscarriages later & no more births (a co-worker with 7children), I have known women who weren't supposed to be able to carry due to double uterou (my sister-in-law has 2 sons shouldn't have had, 7yrs apart), tilted uteri( my friend was on birth control & had a tilted uterou & shouldn't have conceived but has a daughter), or natural development of scare tissue via uterou( my sister) all conceive & birth healthy children, I have seen women who were deserving of a child & healthy not be able to carry only to end up adopting or fostering parent-less or abused children or infants & being the most amazing mothers & truly rescuing these children ( my daughters preschool manager).

There is something in the cards for all of us. There is a reason for all of this. This has happened to us all for a reason. It's up to us to follow our hearts & our paths in life & find our reason...or we end up fighting the paths we should be on & the butterfly affect occurs & it hurts more lives than just our own. We need to trust our intuition even if it's painful so we can reach our places in life. Listen, pay attention to your lives, your minds, your hearts, follow your paths, & in time you will know why this happened, you will come to terms, you will understand it...but only if you don't fight it. Hope you all think about what I have said today & I truly hope it helps you in someway. I have given clear examples of true life occurrences proving these things happen for a reason. I don't care what people believe in...God or no God... these things aren't accidental...there is a greater purpose for these occurrences.
 
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tag27 responded:
im so sorry for your loss.....i know it isnt easy. i had my m/c in 7/11 and since then i have relied on my faith more than i had before. in doing so it has really helped me to say you know what its up to god and in time it will happen. He as well as those around you will help you get through this. not sure if your religous but in faith all things are possible. hope all goes well!! take care.
 
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mrsb10 replied to myRaymond's response:
My husband has changed his mind about trying again. He doesn't want to really talk about trying, but yet he doesn't want to prevent it either, if you know what I mean. I have been very bad, the past few days, I just don't know what to do to make me feel better about this. I always think, what if I would have done this or that different, would it have made a difference, but I know it was meant to happen, or it wouldn't have. I was hoping I wouldn't start my period this month, but I did and that made the anxiety worse.... I don't even know what to feel or how not to cry anymore...
 
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mrsb10 replied to An_240941's response:
I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know what God knows why he took my children, even if I never do. I have come to terms with the first time that it happened, it was because I was young like you, I was 19 and I was scared to death to tell my parents and I was selfish. I didn't know what to do with a kid, but now I am ready and it still happened. I can't make my heart and mind understand why I do not have my babies anymore... I feel like the rest of the world should stop and morn with me, so to speak, but it doesn't... Life goes on and I feel that it should stop for me to grieve. My husband has a child from a previous relationship, so he has something to feel that void, but I don't. His son pushes me away, because that is what his mother teaches him to do, so I don't have the love of a child to make me feel better... It's so hard, I just keep on praying that things will feel better and I will get pregnant again soon, and have a happy, healthy, pregnancy. I prayed that last time, but God had other plans. I know I can't give up and I can't lose faith. I have hope that things will work out.
 
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mrsb10 replied to tag27's response:
I am SO sorry for your loss... I know all too well what that pain feels like. Yes, I have faith in all things. I have faith that God will bless us with again, it's just so hard at this very moment, that I can't see anything but pain in my future. I know that God doens't want to see me hurt, so that's what gets me through. God will heal this pain, but in his time will he bring us another child.
 
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An_240941 replied to mrsb10's response:
When I was 17 I told my parents, I saw my ob/gyn, I was on prenatals... I did everything right...but it wasn't meant to be...right now it isn't meant for you & in time you will learn why. If you were ready for the answer of why then you would already no it, but at the time of loss your heart isn't completely open to learning the true answers...that's what I believe. Maybe you're not meant to birth a bio child, but to adopt & GIVE a child love that otherwise wouldn't have it & in turn RECEIVE that love back ( I speak of adoption because I myself am adopted). You will learn what the plan for you is in time. When I 1st had a period after my loss I felt as you do...it just made the pain worse. You do need to grieve, but for yourself & not with the world grieving for you. I grieve for you having been in that same predicament & so do the others on here who have or are going through the same thing. Even now having 2 beautiful daughters I still grieve my past loss. I was just talking to my husband on sunday about it actually...I would have a 9yr old right now....it seems so strange to even think of that being reality. He is a trucker so he left that afternoon & once he was gone I thought about it for a bit & cried while my daughters napped & then felt guilty for still grieving while I was blessed with 2 healthy girls, like it's not fair to them for me to hurt over the 1 I lost when I have them...I'm so grateful for the daughters I have with my husband & understand my loss, but I still think about it & still at times fell sad. You can't replace the loss of a child with the birth of another you know? I use to think it would make me feel better if I could just have a baby, but it didn't make my loss in less real or painful, no matter how happy or grateful I was to have her. I doubt that your husbands already having a son eases his pain of loosing a child. I'm sure he still hurts, but me can't & wont ever understand what we feel when we loos or birth a child because it is something they can't experience like we do. They can't hold a child in their bodies & feel a little life inside them. But for his sake don't under-estimate his pain. You 2 need to talk about all of it. what happened, how you feel about it, what you want to do from here. & you both need to be honest 100%. You can't move on from it with out the other. Sorry, I feel like my typing is become erratic. When I read these posts & when I respond I'm usually in tears. It's so hard to read these things & remember what I went through & I hurt for everyone who has or is going through this, & yet it's therapeutic for me as I assume it is for all of you. It's nice to be able to get these feelings out with other people who can relate...to release my thoughts....to cry. I've never done this, I've never talked about this with anyone but my husband & only to limited extent considering he didn't know me at the time & has never experienced anything of the sort. Don't give up on yourself or will to have a child. I was blessed with 2 & I'm sure in time you will have your baby to hold physically & not just in your heart. Much love for all of you & your SO in your time of need. I keep you, your families, your lost children in my heart every day.
 
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myRaymond replied to mrsb10's response:
Mrsb10 you have every right to be sad you have lost a child. Just because your baby is not here with you that doesn't make the baby not your child. My advice is mourn your baby. My Raymond would be 11 months on the 15th of January and when it is necessary I mourn him. I take the time to do so, so I don't become a bitter person. And I went through the guilt stage, well I still do from time to time. But what gives me comfort is if it was meant for him to be here he would be here. I am a Christian and I do beleive in the Lord. He tells us to lean not to our own understanding. So when things go bad we try to figure them out instead He just wants us to trust Him and not question His works, The Lord has the power to give and take life and He would never intentionally hurt us. We will always live with these thorns in our sides. But I am in search of trying to do something or change something so I can make a difference in someone elses life like my son did in mines. We must not let your babies lives be in vain. They do not want you to become sad or depressed. I do beleive in due time this will all make sense to you. My situation doesn't make sense to me yet but I know in due time it will. Please communicate with your hubby or other family when you get sad so you can talk your feelings out. I really hate you are going through this I can empathize with your pain. Keep praying and start lessening your depressing and let's start to make a change. But it will take one day at a time. Much peace and love
 
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Guennie replied to mrsb10's response:
Hi- I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to your pain...I lost a pregnancy in July and had to have a D&C. My hormones went completely haywire and it has taken months to get my body back on track. My husband won't talk about what happened or whether he will want to try again, but we aren't using any protection now so it is very confusing trying to figure out how he feels. We have been through a lot in a very short period of time and I know that he has a lot to work through, but it has been so hard feeling like he doesn't understand me or my grieving process. He pushes me away a lot and that really hurts because what I really need is to be close to him. He's hardly ever in the mood and when he is I am the one who initiates it most of the time, and I don't know if this is just stress or if he doesn't want me to get pregnant again. It seems if he wanted to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant he would simply mention using protection. So anyway...it sounds like we are in a similiar situation and I really feel for you. Feel free to chat with me anytime.

Also, I am going through the same feelings about starting my period. I started cramping a couple of days ago and I know I am about to start any second...it just makes me want to cry. Sometimes I get so emotional out of nowhere and just start crying uncontrollably. I've started trying not to do it in front of my husband because it frustrates him and makes him angry.

I wish this could be easier.


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