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    In a blur.
    hlvmom10 posted:
    Hello everyone.
    I have been reading comments and discussions for a few days, trying to learn how others deal with painful memories and how to be present now. Here is a little bit of my history...had my DS in July of 2010. A perfect baby boy I felt okay during my pregnancy with him, but I knew that I would have..issues after he was born. I didnt feel that bond that most moms tell about. I knew I loved him, but I didnt want him. So! While batteling severe postpartum his dad got laid off from work!! So I had to return to work ...after planning for 9 months to stay home. I was not ready to return to work, people were so happy and had nothing but nice things to say about how adorable my son was..I didnt care to hear it. So after 3 different types of medication. I have given up on trying to use medication to get better. My Son is now 18 months old and I am still not happy. Please don't think that I havent tried..In september 2010 I had a 8 weeks i started spotting and my doctor had me come in to " put my mind at ease for the weekend"..yeah a whole lot that did..I had seen my little " DOT" at 6weeks, I saw it's tiny heartbeat..and that day seemed like the worst day of my life. I was really hoping that maybe another pregnancy would " knock it out of me"... it only made it worse. My OB promptly started me on medication..knowing my ongoing history.. I took the meds for a while..but stopped..nothing helps. I don't know how to get out of mom says i need to snap out of it and be a mom. I just don't know how.. Like I said I love my son I know I do. I just would rather not be around him. And then a miscarriage..I feel so Lost.
    jenkoelenko responded:
    I'm so sorry for your loss and all the pain that you're feeling! This may seem like an odd suggestion, maybe unwanted, I say it only to help and not be hurtful/offensive in any way. Whenever I feel despair and beyond hope, I find that helping other people is EXTREMELY healing for me. When I went out, it was solely to focus on another individual who was feeling pain, forgetting my own. I don't know if it is simply because I'm getting out of my house, but diving in and helping someone else was a HUGE help to me. Maybe it can be for you as well. wishing you happy and healing moments
    hlvmom10 replied to jenkoelenko's response:
    Thank you for your words. It didnt offend me at all. I might give it a try
    An_240941 responded:
    Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a family practitioner or an ob/gyn for your postpartum depression? If it is at the severity that you have it, I really hope you are or consider seeing a psychiatrist. Sorry but no other doctor can truly help you with this kind of situation. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to be honest. I'm so sorry you feel that way about your baby. It has to be hard to struggle with that kind of an emotion.
    hlvmom10 replied to An_240941's response:
    Yes I am seeing my obgyn. He is very helpful. Just trying to find a way to stop feeling like this is so hard. I know it will get better.
    An_240941 replied to hlvmom10's response:
    Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to you. My college courses just started last week & they are online (& I' not that hot with computers) & my 1st school classes in 9yrs or something like that.

    I'm glad you're seeing someone to help with your postpartum depression. Just make sure you keep a clear mind & if you feel like you're not in the "right place" go to a room by yourself till you pull it together so as not to hurt yourself or anyone else. Just keep working on it & hopefully in time it will improve. Maybe you can go on a "personal vacation" by yourself, no husband & no kiddo, take some time to reflect & try to figure things out? You never know, the distance & privacy may help. Good luck...I hope you figure it out.

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