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So mad at the world and don't feel like I belong anywhere
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KristiK77 posted:
Hi, everyone. I don't even know that I belong on here since no one seems to know what is going on with me. I found out on Christmas Eve that I was pregnant, by then my period was a week late and the home pregnancy test was only faintly positive. I was already immediately worried, because I had no symptoms that I was even pregnant unlike 9 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. My hubby was also very upset when he found out, because he has 5 daughters and doesn't want any more kids. I have always wanted another child so bad and have given up so much for him over the years, including my dream of being a lawyer and the dream of ever owning my own home, but the thought that I will never have another child is too unbearable. On Christmas morning, I started spotting and cramping and have been doing so ever since. The doctor's office was closed on Monday, so I immediately called on Tuesday morning. The eurine test there came back negative, but the hCG confirmed I was pregnant. They told me they wanted to keep monitoring my hCGs because of the spotting and cramping. My numbers never doubled, only went up very slightly. On 01/06, the doctor's office called me to tell me that my hCG had dropped a few points and they wanted to try another ultrasound (I had one in the ER a few days previous that didn't show anything) and then the doctor wanted to see me. The ultrasound was very painful and only showed possible site of implantation in the uterus but nothing definite and fluid around my right fallopian tube. My hCG went up again but only slightly. On Tuesday morning, while working (I do medical transcription at home), I started bleeding like a period. I called the doctor and they told me to come up right away. My cervix was now open, and the doctor confirmed there was a lot of blood coming from my cervix. I was devastated. I came home and tried to relax in the tub, and when I got out and glanced in the tub, there were several clots in the tub including one very large one the size of my hand with several black circles in it. I called the ER and was told that I had miscarried and there was nothing I or they could do, just to come up if the bleeding got too heavy. I went back to the doctor's office to get my hCG checked on Thursday and was told it went back up again but only from 651 to 738. On Friday, my cervix was still open and only slight oozing of blood. Today, I had another ultrasound and no signs of gestational sac in my uterus even though I am 8 weeks now. I have PCOS and the doctor had originally said that might be affecting my hCG levels not being where they normally would b, that I might also not be as far along as they thought, but I know that the only time we had sex was on 12/02. I am now waiting to hear back if my hCG has dropped yet and if nothing else happens have to go back and repeat sonogram and blood work next Monday. I can't even watch TV without seeing babies or pregnant women. I can't go to the store. I can't even get on Facebook without seeing all the weekly baby announcements (including for my 2 youngest step-daughters who are pregnant, which how do I cope with looking at my step-grandchildren and knowing that my baby should be their age?!). I feel that this was my last chance to have a baby and God was just dangling it cruely in front of me before taking it away. I don't know how I can go on. I'm tired of everyone telling me I should be happy I have at least my daughter. Yes, I am happy I had her and love her very much, but that doesn't make this any less painful, especially coming from others who have had several kids of their own. My daughter was so excited about being a big sister. How do I tell her it won't ever happen. I am so angry at God right now, and I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. I am angry at my husband also, because I feel that once again, he's getting exactly what he wants and while I'm in so much pain, he's sleeping!!
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mlk240 responded:
Kristi,

First, I am so sorry about your loss. I am also sorry that it seems like your DH isn't being very supportive of you during this difficult time. I think I left you a message on the First Tri boards. I still really think this sounds like an ectopic, but being that I'm not a doctor, I can't say.

I would strongly encourage you to tell your husband how you really feel, and also be up front with him about what you need in terms of support. A lot of men don't get subtle hints, and this is a time when he needs to be there for you. When I had my ruptured ectopic, and was told I may never be able to have more children, I was really devastated, and was a total wreck. If I had told my DH I need support, he wouldn't have the slightest idea what I needed or wanted him to do. But if I told him I really need a hug, back rub, help washing my hair, etc, he was very happy to help me in any way he could. But, I had to explicitly communicate my needs to him. By allowing him to be there for me, and help me, he didn't feel so helpless, and I think it helped us to feel more like a single unit that came out stronger on the other side because we made it through together.

I think you should also discuss how much it would mean to you to have a second child once you have given yourself the necessary time to grieve and heal. If you try and talk too soon, your grief and intense emotions right now might get in the way of trying to see your DH's point of view. I don't agree with him necessarily, but I do always think that you should try to understand your spouse's perspective in a disagreement about something this big, just as he should try to understand yours. If you can't come to an agreement, then you need to consider whether you would be happier moving on and trying to have another baby with someone else, or staying and being content with your DD and step daughters.

I have had 3 losses myself, and I do understand your emotions right now completely. Personally, I felt that giving up trying for another baby made the ones I lost be lost in vain. i wasn't willing to quit trying until I hit menopause if that is what it took. The journey to becoming a parent isn't always easy for everyone. My DH and I had to sit down and have really hard discussions about our family plan after the losses. It really took a lot of open and honest talking for us to figure out how far we were willing to go to keep trying, and what would happen if we weren't blessed with a second child. I really hope that you and your DH can come to an agreement that you both can live with and without regrets. Good luck to you, and please keep us posted!


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