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loss my daughter at 21 wks 3 days after i fell in the bathroom on my 23rd birthday
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An_243275 posted:
it has been almost 6 years since i loss my daughter and i still feel sad about her death.it was a very hard loss and honestly a very hard year in my family.my daughter was named after my aunt who passed away the day i found out i was pregnant. i knew i would be blessed with a little girl who would beat all odds like my aunt who was born in 1930 with scoliosis and was told she wouldn't live to see the age of 15.well those doctors were wrong and she lived to be 75.also while all this was happening my grandfather was dying of prostate cancer.2006 was the worst yhghyear of my life cause i loss 3 members of my family in may,august,and december.i still have not reovered and blame myself for slipping on the bathroom floor.i just got married to the love of my life in septemb er and we've been trying for a baby and it scares me cause i feel t he past might repeat itself.every month when my period starts i cry.i met my husband 2 months after the loss of the baby and if it wasn't for him i don't know where i would be.i feel my lil angel blessed me with my husband and i just wish she was here to see how wonderful her life would have been with us.my husband has always been supportive through it all and tries to understand but its hard when you have never had a child or gone through a loss like this.right now i just hope i can finally open up to others who have gone through a loss.i miss eleanor ivy,but i know she's in heaven with my aunt and grandfather watching over me.the whole time in the hospital i kept asking what's wrong with my baby and i had no understanding and was never answered.this was my first birth experience and i went through this all alone without the father who didn't want her.i just think that men have a diferent way of showing hurt than women.while all this happened and i was getting no answers except my baby was gonna die and there was no hope.i felt there was hope and the doctors and nurses
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eleanorivy830 responded:
had no hope my daughter would live.no compassion,no heart,no answers.i didn't understand what was going on with my body i was alone,scared,and tried my best to stay positive.my daughter was the size of a coke can and as litle as she was she opened her eyes looked at me and then in my arms took her few last breaths.i feel the hospitals these days should have every doctor and every nurse who works with mothers and babies have compassion,give as many answers as possible,and be required to take bereaved baby courses.shortly after i gave birth i was sent to the mental ward for 3 days and was not able to be there when eleanor was buried,but my family and her father were there for her.its so hard to look pass a situat ion that is suppose to be the greatest gift any woman can receive and turn it into the worst experience of my life.my daughter was my everything and still is.i just hope that after posting this story someone can make more sense of it cause its been so long and i dont want to feel im replacing her but adding on tothe legacy eleanor left
 
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teacherbeck replied to eleanorivy830's response:
I am so sorry for your loss (((hugs))). It so so difficult to be so connected to your baby and have so many hopes & dreams and then have them all taken away in a split second. It is very hard to recover from.
I lost my first child, a son, at 20 wks of pregnancy. When we went to the 20 wk u/s to find out gender, they couldn't find his HB (even though he was fine at the 16 wk appt, heard his HB and did the bloodwork panel, had just gotten the news that everything on the panel came back great... then just a few days later he was gone). Labor was induced and he was stillborn. I really thought I would die of heartbreak.
I can't imagine what you went through as you held your sweet baby girl. I am so sorry.
I am so sorry you were unable to attend the funeral. That was out of your control, so I hope you are at peace with that now. Please don't beat yourself up for it; your sweet little girl knew you loved her the entire time you carried, her, as you birthed her, and as you held her in her final moments. Hold onto that.
We waited until after his due date before trying again, and now have a healthy 1 yr old. Her due date was the same month as his, so its a bittersweet reminder that she would have a brother just one year older that I would also be planning a party & celebrating with. You are right, it is not a replacement but it is OK to have and love more children, your heart just fills with more love it doesn't take away from your love for the baby you lost.
I am not on this board as often, but I am glad I stopped by today. The best advice I can give is what worked for me: I leaned heavily on God, spent a lot of time in prayer and prayed for healing for my broken heart and for God to fill up all those holes with His love, and I found ways to remember my sweet baby Jackson. I made a baby book of his footprints, wrote down the visitors that came to the hospital (to see me, I didn't let anyone else see/hold him except my husband, one of his brothers, and our parents), and a few pictures from the funeral (not of him, but of his casket, the flowers...). I also put a few precious things I bought for him in there, and some of them I bought AFTER his death. I had so little to hold on to, so I went shopping and cried my eyes out but bought a beautiful soft baby blue blanket, a christening outfit, a baby bible with his name engraved, and a keepsake box. I had his name engraved on the box and put the memory book, bible, blanket, footprints, and hopital bracelets in there.
I am not sure, but if there are things you do not have, like footprints, you could contact the hossy and see if they have anything? Some will even issue a certificate of life if you were not given a birth certificate. The hospital I went to was really great and have an infant bereavement program; I am so sorry you were treated the way you were.
You may not need to do any of those things, but those are some suggestions if you feel you need to do more in memory of Eleanor in order to move forward (I don't say move on, you never move on from losing your child, but you CAN move forward and have joy again).
We understand your feelings and your hurt. Sending (((((hugs))))
 
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teacherbeck replied to eleanorivy830's response:
Also, you mentioned you were trying to get pregnant again? If you haven't been there yet, check out the Trying to Conceive After Loss message board on webmd. Super supportive ladies who have all been through losses and are trying again despite fears. I am on there again as we are TTC again also. I hope to see you over there!


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