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Confused and hurt and don't know what to do
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KristiK77 posted:
Hello, everyone. I had an ectopic back in January and am waiting for my period to come so I can get scheduled for an HSG, though I don't know what good it will do. I know my husband doesn't want any more kids (he has 4 grown girls from previous marriages and we have an 8-year-old daughter together), but the idea of never having another child is just too hard to take. I have already given up so much for him, including going to law school and having our own home (we have lived in his aunt's basement apartment for the last 3 or 4 years). He is never home and hasn't worked in 6 months since he had shoulder surgery. He is always with his friends and his precious camaro that he spends all his money and time on and I am feeling so taken for granted. My grandmother died 2 weeks after my ectopic, and he had the nerve the next day to yell at me that I had already wasted too much of his time with my grieving and was keeping him from his precious shop (which in reality he only stayed 1 week with me but he claimed he wanted "the last month of my life back." I have given up 16 years of my life and I want them back. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to anymore and feel trapped. The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, and right now I'm scared because she has to see a specialist in a couple of weeks due to her birth mark turning black. If something happens to her, I don't know how I can handle it. I just feel so alone. I have no one I can talk to and am so tired of being so unhappy.
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mlk240 responded:
Kristi,

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. It sounds like there are mulitple different issues that you need to cope with. If you still haven't gotten your period, you should call your doctor to see if they think that is normal, or if there is something else going on with you. You should do that regardless of whether you and your husband plan on having more children, you should do it for yourself and your health. I know after my ectopic, as painful as it was to get my period the first couple of times, it also made me feel better, like I had healed, and was going to be able to try again.

As for your husband, it sounds like you two are long overdue for a talk about your relationship. You can't force him to agree to more children, but if you really want more, you need to decide whether it would be better to stay with him and not have more, or leave him and go for the chance of having a second child. Only you know which choice is the correct one for you. Beyond that, it sounds like isn't doing his fair share of work in your marriage. You shouldn't feel taken for granted if things are working how they should. There will always be times when one spouse gives more and the other takes more, but there are other times when the situation is reversed. You should do those things out of love for each other, and because you know your spouse would do the same for you. If he isn't willing to work to improve your situation, or compromise on something that is important to you, maybe you should try seeing a counselor together.Life is too short to go through life without happiness in your marriage.

For your daughter, just take a deep breath, and try not to get worked up about the unknown. Once you find out what is going on, then you can do some research and take steps to correct whatever the problem is. It sounds like you are an attentive and good mother, and by noticing this and doing something about it quickly is the best thing you could have done for her. There are things in your life that you have control over, and things that you don't. You just have to take a deep breath and do your best to cope with what you can't control, and be strong enough to step up and deal with the things you can. Once you feel like you are in control of the things you can be in control, I think you will start to feel better.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you want to talk to someone, please feel free to email me at randikramer@hotmail.com .
 
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An_240941 responded:
At the risk of sounding too bold & pleas understand I mean no disrespect, but it sounds like maybe you want another one so badly now because of the recent loss in January & the loss of your mother. I think it's important for you too see your doctor just to at the very least make sure you are healthy & to know if you are still capable of continuing to try for another child, however I think...or at least it sounds like from your post...that you have a lot of other issues that need to be worked out first. First off your daughter has health issues that I would think would be a priority over trying for another pregnancy (& I'm sure they are), but also it doesn't seem like your finances really allow for another child. & most importantly, it sounds like your marriage is too rocky to bring another child into it would be unfair to the child until the issues with you & your husband are resolved. He sounds incredibly disrespectful towards you & more interested in anything but you. I don't know what the underlying issue is that's causing that, but I think it would be best for the 2 of you to talk or seek couples therapy or something to figure it out (perhaps it's hard for him to not be working & to live at his aunts & know your upset with life right now & I'm sure in his own way he is grieving the loss of your baby too). I think you need some changes in your life & to get your self happiness back before you start trying for another child. Also the OP is right, you're going to have to make a decisions at some point of being happy with staying with your husband & not having another child or leaving him so you can have the chance at other child at some point.

I'm sorry you're going through this, all of it. I hope you find your happiness again & get what you want in life & hope your husband comes around & straightens his act out. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who puts their friends & car ahead of me & tells me my grief over the death of 2 loved ones in one month has taken a month of his life from him. I'm sorry, but me personally, I would be seeking a divorce at the rate.
 
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jossanasmomma responded:
Kristi,

I am so sorry. It sounds like you've had a really tough time and it makes sense that you'd feel so overwhelmed. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds like you need someone who can help you sort through all of this and deal with your grief too.

Try not to worry about your daughter until there's something to worry about. You have enough on your plate.

I wish you all the best.


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