I am 29 years old and suffered what my doctor called a "complete" miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant on December 17, 2011, and by January 3, 2012 I had miscarried. For 17 days my husband and I prayed everything would be ok. The previous year at the same time I had had an ectopic pregnancy that devestated us. We thought maybe this was God saying we could have children, but weren't ready. when this pregnancy came we thought it was a sign. But then the spotting started, and 2 different ultrasounds 2 weeks apart showed very little change. I felt something was wrong, but wanted to share my husbands hope. My OBGYN said some women spot a little right after conception and said not to worry but keep an eye on it. I visited the OB floor of our hospital 3 times between Dec. 31- Jan. 3rd. On the morning of the third I woke up with super severe cramps, and constantly had to go to the bathroom. I kept passing clots, and finally passed a huge "clot". My doctor had told us to bring anything that looked pink or grey with us to the hospital and we did. The did a total exam and I had passed everything and didnt need a D and c. I feel very blessed about this, but I felt empty, and I still do. My husband rarely slept in bed with my after, lost all affection towards me, and failed to be supportive. I know he was hurting too, but I went through it physically and emotionally, TWICE! We are currently seperated, but doing counseling and trying to work it out. But I was due at the end of July/ beginning of August and now when I see people I know (or even strangers) who are pregnant I get sooooo jealous and hurt. I feel like a monster that I can't be happy for them even though I want to be. I want to know how to manage the hurt and depression I feel. I don't want these feeling to ruin my marriage, keep me from being myself, and keep me from moving on. can't even look at the calender, knowing it just keeps getting closer to when I should be having a baby shower, or check-ups, or delivering. How has anyone else dealt with these emotions?
I lost my baby 9yrs ago at 8wks gestation exactly. I was 17yrs old. Sometimes I still get sad 9yrs later when I think about my babies "birthday" or how my baby would be 8yrs old now and in elementary school (3rd grade). I hated all pregnant women. I was angry and bitter for about 2yrs. I locked myself in my room for 3months after it happened. I hardly ate, I wouldn't go to school, I just cried and slept. I was also a teenager who didn't know how to handle my emotions or my pain. Now as an adult I can look back and see that for me it happened for a reason. Now I'm 26yrs old and married with 2 daughters.
My point is that you will get better. It will never be "ok" and there will always be some level of pain and sorrow, but one day you will be ok. Take it one day at a time and let yourself grieve even if your husband wont support you.
Sometimes holding a day of honor for your baby can help. Sometimes naming your baby a unisex name (if you didn't know boy or girl) can help. Mostly just let yourself feel what you need to feel, and if you get to a point of excessive depression call someone for help before you do harm.
I can tell you from experience, fighting your emotions and not letting yourself grieve only makes it harder and makes your grieving and your pain last longer. It is easier to move on if you let yourself feel what your body, mind, and heart are telling you to feel. I hope that helps some.
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