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I lost my little girl Wednesday...
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Pink_Kisses posted:
I just lost my daughter Wednesday. And I was on the Webmd boards during my pregnancy and also for the previous pregnancy of my son. I had to get my feelings out and talk to others who understand what Im going through. I am having an extremely hard time coping since ive been home. Everything reminds me of her and of me being a joyous expectant woman just a week ago. I didn't feel her kicking for about 2 days and I usually feel her everyday, a huge difference from my son. He wouldn't kick for 2 days and I would panic and run to the ER for a stress test. And as soon as I got there he would move around like crazy. Practically sending me into a panic attack. So With this pregnancy I tried to not be so paranoid, figuring she would be as stubborn as he was and do the same thing to me. So I wanted until my doctors appt. the following Monday..I felt her Friday. I told the doctor, He thought it would be too early anyways to feel something every single day and not to worry. I was 22 weeks, 23 weeks Wednesday. We did an ultrasound and right away, you couldn't see a heartbeat. I felt as soon as I lied down on the table that something would be wrong. I just had this gut feeling that I didn't want to believe.

It was my first labor experience. I had a c-section with my son the first time and never got to experience labor or the horrible contractions. But, boy I did this time. I just wish that my first experience would have turned out to be a joyous experience instead of this nightmare. I was beyond excited to find out I was having a girl. I had my boy and my girl. I was planning the baby shower. I just had so many plans for her. And of course, nobody ever expects this to happen. But I had a normal, healthy full-term pregnancy before this. Why now??? All the doctors can say is that ive had a full term pregnancy before so I should be okay the next time. And this is probably just some fluke that happened. Ive requested to have an autopsy done, even though ive been told they probably won't find anything to answer my many questions. I am terrified to go through this again. Im so scared that the next pregnancy will be the same, IF I can even get pregnant and keep the baby. I can barely breathe. Im okay one second, and the next minute Im bawling my eyes out and I can't stop. I can't sleep at night, I wake up every hour. And I can't stand being alone. I feel like Im being a horrible mother to my son because I can't think of anything else but her. I just miss her so much. I feel like I had my little girl that Ive always wanted and now she's gone...She was so beautiful and perfect...I just don't understand why this happened to us.

Anyways, I appreciate anybody who will read this. It's mainly just me rambling on, but I had to get it out and this was the best place to come.
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jamiejo78 responded:
I am so sorry for your loss and that you have found yourself on this board. I too am experiencing many of the things you are. The sadness, the fear, the guilt, the questioning why. I lost my twin girls on July 26th. I was 24 1/2 weeks along. Like you, my birth story isn't a joyus one. My girls came out silent, no crying, no kicks, just silent.

It's been almost two months and it just doesn't seem that it should be that long ago. I still can't believe they are gone. I am seeking counseling to help me with some of the emotions that I am feeling. When you are ready, I would advise that you consider doing the same also. I know it's not easy for you, but after some time, it will get better. Just hang onto the thought that one day you will see and hold that beautiful little girl again. She will always be in your heart and no one can replace that. I pray that you find peace in knowing that she is safely in the arms of Jesus.

Sending hugs, prayers and thoughts your way.
 
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michigan29 responded:
((((((HUGS))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible experience... no one should have to go through that. I'm sure in some way, your little girl knew she was loved. I hope you will find some peace as time goes by. Please take care...
 
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crys1582 responded:
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my DD at 22 1/2 weeks to PROM and like you that was my first vaginal birth experience. I know right now there seems to be no end to the grief but I will tell you it gets easier to handle. It's been over a year since I lost Brooke and it's easier to deal with. Not a day goes by where I don't think of here, but I know it all happened for a reason as crappy as that is it did.

Please don't expect much from the autopsy since most people with stillbirths don't get answers. Try to do something for her, have a memorial service or if your family choses a burial. Maybe find a local charity to donate in her name. I bought Brooke a star and had it named after her. And maybe look up the SHARE website they can offer you resources like consuling and support groups.

I promise it will get better, and one of the main things that helped me personally and I know some women aren't as lucky yet but was spending time with my son. Children are so understanding and whenever I was down I would go hug him or take hium somewhere and it really did help me out alot.

Best wishes for you and your family in this tragic time. I know your little girl is in heaven with all our babies waiting to meet us again one day.
 
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FloralMom responded:
I wish I could give you a hug. It's so heartbreaking. I think that all of the feelings and emotions and worries that you have are normal for what has just happened.

Nobody knows why these things happen. I, myself, don't think that I would want to know why... because I'm pretty sure that whatever the reason, it wouldn't be worth it to me. I know that's selfish, but I just don't think that my childs life was worth giving up for anything.

I wish I had something to say that would make things better, but I don't. It's going to hurt for a while, but you should reach out to the people who can comfort you - friends, family, church, boards, whatever and whoever help you heal. ((((Hugs))))
 
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Pink_Kisses responded:
Thank you to all who have replied. I couldn't ever picture myself on this board..but I am glad there are other people out there, like you...who understand. If I didn't have that, I don't know what I would do. I have been planning her service. We are going to have her cremated and buried with my Sister and my Grandmother. My Mother also went through the same thing, even in the same month. She lost my younger sister at 38 weeks. I never could have imagined what she went through or that I would ever have to go through the same thing. But at least I do have her to help me through this. I wanted her to be buried next to family. I couldn't picture her being out in a cemetary alone. I still can't wrap my head around how this happened. I can't help but wonder if maybe Picking up my 3 year old son contributed..or if maybe I ate something that made her sick. If maybe I should have taken it easier at work. I know none of that is going to help, she's already gone. But I can't do anything but think that I failed her in some way...something happened while she was inside me and she didn't make it. I know I shouldn't think that way...I hope that soon I can be at peace with what has happened. I think Im more scared now of going forward. Could this happen again? Will this happen again? I am beyond scared. I wish I had answers.
 
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cmason1783 responded:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had 3 miscarriages (the most recent on the 9th of September) and the only thing that has helped me is being with my little boys. I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.
 
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nmbr2 responded:
I am so sorry for your loss and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel like I keep saying that on here, but it's what we all need. Thoughts, prayers, love and lots of hugs. Sending so many your way at this time. I lost my child early so I can not say I know completly what you are going through. I wasn't going to respond but I saw your second post. Please in NO way think that you did something to make this happen. By your post you are a very loving caring mother and nothing you have done has caused this. We all think that at one time or another exspecially when it first happens, but these things just happen. For no reason that we know of or that we can understand. As in a few others I have found that when I need that momment to cry, I give it to myself and after that I spend all the moments in the world I can with my daughter. Shes 5 and doesn't like to see mommey cry. I had a melt down last Thursday and when she saw she went and got her favorite stuff dog and brought it to me and told me it always makes her feel better. They can be your savor at this time when you really need them. Please take time for yourself and not to beat yourself up about it. Take time to grieve, remember and to heal most of all. You will be able to move forward and if the doctors say you will be ok to try again in time then trust that. Just know you are going to be paranoid, but to try to relax. I know it's easier said then done but the doctors will watch you knowing the past. I hope in time you find peace
 
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TeacherBeck responded:
I am so sorry for your loss I lost my son at 20 wks, and like you he was my first birth experience... it is awful to go through birthing while your heart is breaking, knowing you won't be having a happy ending. It helps to know that others have been there and understand your pain. But you know, we did it, we had our babies! We did everything we could to keep them healthy and safe, and when we got the terrible news we still LOVED them and gave birth to them, planned memorials for them, missed them, grieved for them. Your little girl had the most precious gift, a mother who loved her and who will always love and remember her. I am so sorry for what you are going through now. It's been 6 wks for me now, and though I still have both panicky and sad moments/days, I am also able to enjoy life again, and I know I have a hope for the future. I remember well the days you are going through, so many unanswered questions, so many fears, I couldn't even make plans more than a day in advance b/c I would break down into tears... I could only handle one day (or one hour!) at a time. Like the other posts have said, you are in our prayers, in our thoughts... it WILL get "easier" and there is a HOPE for the future (Jeremiah 29:11). This is the most heartbreaking thing a women can experience, and you just have to do what you can, when you can, and get whatever help you need to continue healing. If you like to read, there are several great books. I just finished "Empty Arms" and just started "When a Baby Dies" Also, on another of my posts I listed some things we did for our baby, Jackson, if you need/want ideas you can click the link "other posts by..." The most comforting was wearing a baby ring on a necklace chain... helped me feel he was still with me, helped to ease a little of the loneliness. I pray that the intensity of your grief eases soon. ::HUGS:: I
 
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kbrennan94 responded:
I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through labor - I chose a D & E .... I also feel better checking in here every so often especially on those rough days.....

I can tell you that the rough times get further apart as time goes on - we lost our LO in July but didn't find out until the beginning of Aug....... I still feel sad at times (especially when I am running errands for some reason) but keeping busy has really helped - I also have a great DH who is very understanding of my swings.......

((((( hugs )))))

kate
 
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Pink_Kisses responded:
Thank you so much for all of your responses. I feel so much better after reading them. I really needed the extra support, so im glad I came here. We did recieve a call from my doctor today. He explained that only part of the Autopsy was completed. The other half is still "pending" and he will know more in a few weeks. He did say that what he has now..shows nothing wrong. The baby shows no signs of chromosomal problems or anything genetically wrong. Which gave me and my dh a sigh of relief. But we still have unanswered questions. He said that he would like to see me back in 3 weeks and by then he should have the rest of the results. He also mentioned that we could do additional testing on myself now and When I get pregnant again..he sees no problem with me being able to. And that My body should be healed in 3 more weeks. So...that was that. I hope he has more to tell me when I go in for my appt. I am slowly accepting what has happened. I still don't understand it and never will...but I know that it wasn't preventable. I wish there was something that could have been done still, but I know there wasn't. I Just know that when we do get pregnant again, I will be in the doctors office as much as I Feel I need to. Just for my sanity. Her service will be this Saturday and I am going to make it nice for her. She deserves the best . I am going to take this one day at a time and look to the future. I still have days where I forget im not pregnant anymore, And I find myself rubbing my stomach. I know it's going to take time. But Im so grateful that everyone has been so supportive. I have read all of the books the hospital has given me so far, and they are great. I have "Empty Arms" and "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". They have been great books. And I would like to get more. But again, thank you for all of your words. I appreciate them more than you know.
 
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Naked_Lizard responded:
Pink_Kisses, There really isnt much I can say or offer in the way of words that heal and take the pain away. Its never fair that this happens to any woman, NO matter if its your first or your last. or even your 10th.. I know how you feel, I know all those feelings, I have lived them for many years. I want you to know that there is NO set time on healing, or set time on how long to greive or question. Its a journy that we have to go through... Well more of a RollerCoaster from H*!!.. If you look at my sig, you can tell that I have been here many many time. I burried, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th baby's, 3 M/C's........ trust me, its NOT FAIR. But all I ask is that you are gentel on YOURSELF. take time for YOU. And even though it sucks, all we have is time. As far as being scared to get PG again. Give yourself time. Really dont think about it until YOU are ready and dont let anyone rush you into doing anything, BIG things yet. Take time to think about them. Sending many many (((Hugs))) and remember that your not alone. I promise you. I am sure that your little girl is haveing wonderful tea parties with my Daughter's Jeneh and Lynli.

Toni
 
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sclucky responded:
I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my first daughter (second child) to preterm labor in May 2007. It is a painful, heartbreaking journey but it will eventually get better. It is good that you are trying to find out what happened but don't be surprised if you don't get all the answers you want or need. As advanced as medicine is these days there is just so much that still isn't known or understood about stilbirth or preterm labor.

TRIGS - as for trying again, there is no set schedule. Some are ready right away and others take longer to heal. I was in the latter category. I thought I was ready after 6 months but in reality I wasn't. I think subconsciously my body knew that and I didn't get pregnant. About 18 months after my loss, I finally accepted my loss and was really able to deal with it completely. About 3 weeks later, I found out I was expecting. Unfortunately, my innocence about being pregnant was lost. It was hard initially to really accept that I was going to be bringing home a baby this time. However, the further I got along in the pregnancy the better I felt about it. I'm having another little girl and my c-section is scheduled for 3 weeks from today. I just wanted to let you know that it is a very long and rocky journey that no woman should have to make. But there is hope out there.

Kimber
 
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mckenzien18 responded:
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I lost my daughter too. I was 36 weeks pregnant & the same exact thing happened with me. With DS I remember going to the hospital bc I hadn't felt him move all day & right when I got there he started moving around & everything was fine. With DD the same thing happened, except when I got to the hospital - they couldn't find a heartbeat. I still remember the nurse moving the doppler all over my stomach and she kept saying "all I can hear is your heartbeat" my heart was about to pound out of my chest bc I KNEW she was gone. She was born sleeping January 5, 2009. Just like you, I wanted a little girl soooo bad, and now she's gone. Why?? It just doesn't make sense & it never will. I'm glad you requested an autopsy - I didn't, bc my dr told me there's a 50% chance they won't find anything & now I wish I would have done it bc what if they were able to find something? I didn't hold my daughter either so I hate myself for that. What I don't understand is why doctors don't talk about stillbirth, it's happening everyday, and why didn't somebody tell me to do kick counts??? I wish I had a reason or someone to blame for this, sometimes I think it would make it so much easier. Sorry to ramble, but I'm glad you decided to share your story, I've found this board is kind of slow, so I joined a support group @ www.dailystrength.org/stillbirth - the women on there are amazing!! One of the ladies does sand written names - she goes to the beach and she'll write your babies name in the sand & take a pic & send it to you. Also, another good website is www.october15th.com - they have all sorts of pregnancy loss items & since that date is coming up you could do something in memory of your daughter. I know it's hard to stay strong, but you just have to remind yourself that your DD wouldn't want you to live in grief or pain. Live your life for your DD. She'll always be with you. If you ever want to talk, I'm on myspace & facebook, my e-mail address is kenz018@yahoo.com

  • *HUGS***
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    Shadwick80 responded:
    My prayers are with you! I hope you are doing better and that you do try again!


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