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This would have been the month...
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KDLGO posted:
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage on 4/27/10 (D&C) and my due date would have been 10/29/10. Although I feel I am in a much better place today than I was weeks or even a couple of months after my miscarriage, every month it turns out I'm not pregnant I regress. Every month is a disappointment. Every month tears come to my eyes and as I get closer to what would have been my due date I find sadness and anger reenter my life.

Unfortunately I am surrounded by family members and friends who are pregnant, having baby showers, and celebrating. I am excited for them but can't hold on to that excitement without folding within myself. There are days when FaceBook is my enemy with all the posted ultrasounds and birth updates.

I wonder and worry, what if I can't have a baby? What is so wrong with me? Is it because i'm overweight? How much better can I eat? And all I want to do to make myself feel better, even if its only for a second, is have a cigarette, but oh i quit.

I'm tiered of being anxious and afraid, but I see no end to this. Not right now.

I already know i'm not alone. I know several people who have all miscarried in their 30's just like me, but as time goes on I have fewer friends that are there for me to help me through these difficult times which makes things difficult.

In the end I return to the one phrase that continues to hold true, This Sucks.
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ConnorsMama1979 responded:
I am very sorry for your loss, and that you're going through this.

Yep, it does suck. :: hugs :: Losses are never easy and I completely understand what you're saying and what you're feeling. You're happy for your friends and at the same time, it's heartbreaking. And while so many others go on about their lives and such, we (the ones who've lost our angels) don't really forget. We remember our milestones, our due dates, etc., when others don't.

I now have 4 angels (the last two got their wings in August). The first due date is the hardest. It will get a little easier after that.

If your heart tells you that you want to have children, don't give up. :: hugs ::
 
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FrmGirl responded:
I'm sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) I understand about every month wanting to be pregnant and every month it being negative. It is hard and yes, "This Sucks" sums it up well.

First off, know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Try not to blame yourself for this loss though I know that is difficult.

Also...you don't have to go to the showers. My son's due date was in Sept of 2008 and I didn't go to one of my SIL's showers b/c I couldn't handle it...even though she was having a girl and I lost a boy. She understood and if your friends are true friends, they will understand also.

I know deep down you are excited for your friends and family. I had to tell some of my friends and SILs that I was excited for them even if I cried each time I saw them. They understood.

I hope things get better for you. 10/29/10 will be hard but you can get through it. Hold on to hope b/c sometimes it seems that is all we have. Stay on this board and even though I am a new member I'll be here to offer any support I can. (((HUGS)))
Hannah(28)DH(26) M/C 2007(blighted ovum) Early delivery 2008 (23wks) Jude: May 21, 2008 - May 31, 2008; Gabriel: (adopted) Feb 2010.
 
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KDLGO replied to ConnorsMama1979's response:
Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry to hear about your losses. Its strange to see how everyone continues to go on while you feel like you are treading water or sometimes it feels like mud.
Again, Thank You.
 
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KDLGO replied to FrmGirl's response:
Thank You. You're right, sometimes hope is all we have. I have found hope is with me even if only on a subconscious level. It's just so hard to be positive or optimistic. I hope November will bring me some breathing room.
 
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bbylove21 responded:
HEY KDLGO,
Im so sorry to hear about you're loss. I feel that we have a similar story . I mc at 9 wks in may and have yet to get pregg. I feel like a failure, im only 21 years old & married and we want a baby so bad , i too am sorrounded by pregg friends and just wonder why it had to be me , i feel that those are fair sentiments. i have the support from my husbnd and family. but its getting to be around my due date and its freaking sad but writing to other mothers w/ mc helps. i really hope that you get ur miracle baby.

love adri
 
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KDLGO replied to bbylove21's response:
Adri, Thank you and I wish you your own miracle in your future. I agree it helps to have other mothers who have had miscarriages. No one else understands that even when you are in a better place down the road it doesn't mean the hurt, sadness, anger, and all other emotions disappear. I wish you the best. I wish and hope the best for us all.


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