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myRaymond posted:
I pray and hope that eveyone is taking things one day at a time. And handling their greiving process the right way. But I am curious to know if some of you ladies feels as if you are losing your mind sometimes?? There are times when I feel as if I am doing good then it hits me. I feel as if I am going in circles emotionally, I think I feel as if I'm not moving at a speed that family or friends think I should be, i'm not dong good. And I don't like to be fake or put on as if everything is ok. It has only been 1 month and 1 day today and I still feel hurt and pain. My hubby is very supportive but I feel like he is ready for me to move on a lil faster. Just curious ?? Much peace and love "Raymond mommy misses YOU!!!!"
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KDM31 responded:
Don't ever feel crazy. Everyone has their own way of greiving. It will be two months tomorrow since I have lost my triplets and I still have my ups and downs. I know how you feel when you say you have to put on a happy face even when you aren't feeling like it. I started counseling and she says that everything I am feeling is normal. Please don't ever feel like you are alone. I'm so happy I found this discussion group because it has helped me to learn that I'm not alone. Hold your head up!
 
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mendezwife responded:
Helly myRaymond~
I understand how you feel, its been 1 month since I delivered & lost my twins. So I understand your pain & feelings.
I too just started counseling ( we my husband & I, I mean!) & the feelings come in waves.........denial, anger, frustration, extreme sadness, feeling "why us"

And in no way should you feel you have to "put on a show" for anyone. I understand that there are days you feel pretty good, considering & then some days everything makes you cry. (its been a month for us & I'm doing better than last wk, but filling out our twins baby book broke me.)

Its funny you say how your husband is "doing better" because mine is too. We talked about that & I think bc he didnt carry the babies & vag gave birth to them like in our case, its just a different feeling. But not to say that men don't grieve, men & women are very different, & don't feel he doesn't care or it didn't affect him. You dont know if on the way home from work he did cry a lil in his car & by the time he got home to you, he wanted to be strong for you. You just never know. My husband & I are going to counseling together & he said to me he didnt want to be insenstive to me, but he feels a cpl sessions will be good enough for him.

We had to arrange funeral services 4 days after we had our babies...& now dealing w life insurance & other important things.....that's what my husband is doing....handeling those things....we are military so we have a lil xtra support..but I'm home ,not working, which is fine with me & dealing with the bedroom & returning things & figuring out what to do. So we take on different roles in handeling & dealing with things.

If you have a higher power faith & belief, take comfort in that. We do & we know that God who does all, knows all & he does what's best for us. Even if we feel having our babies here is best, God knows truely. We trust in that.

good luck to you!
 
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myRaymond replied to mendezwife's response:
I really appreciate your reply, it was a month for me on 3-15-2011. I definetly agree that the emotions run in waves. One moment I feel as if I have a handle on this thing and the next moment I feel as if I am not making progress because I feel as if I am going in circles with my progress. The counseling my husband and I are going to does seem to help and he even gives me homework to do when I go through those different emotional phases. But you are very right men do grieve differently. And I do feel as if he is trying to be strong for me through this difficult time. I did not elect to bury my son, the hospital took care of that for me. And sometimes I say I regret that but the process was so unfamilar to me. The way I cope with it is by telling myself our bodies go back to dust and our soul lives forever. So Raymond soul still lives. I do beleive in a higher power and I do beleive I will see Raymond again. You are right God knows truely what is best. Thank you again for your encouragement. Much peace and love
 
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myRaymond replied to KDM31's response:
Thank you for your reply. You are right everyone has their own way of greiving. I have always been the happy go lucky type of person. People has always brought their problems to me so I can help them come up with the best solution for the problem. So this is new to me, me having to talk to others about how I feel and solutions. So I think that is why I put on as if everything is ok and I also don't want to bother people. But I am going to stop that habit, I do not think that it is good for me or healthy. I am in counseling and my counselor say the same too. That how I am feeling is normal and I am on the right track. Unforunately, it is hard for me to tell because I have never had a close death to happen to me. My mom, dad, grandmothers, sisters etc. are all still here on earth. So that is why I question LOrd am I doing ok is this part of the process. The close death that I had was my child Raymond. But I really appreciate your encouraging words and advice which I will take heed to. Thank you we are not alone. Much peace and love
 
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mendezwife replied to myRaymond's response:
Bless you all! Its normal to question the Lord, I think I did a lil in the begining...till I felt bad for doing so. But like everyone said the Lord does know & we have to trust in him.

We've been to 1 counseling session & it was a meet & greet get to know us type thing....but I am looking forward to the future ones bc I feel I have more questions. But I do think time makes it seem easier to deal & move on.

We will never forget our babies, the beautiful children that we never saw smile or run or call us "mommy & daddy" but one day the Lord will re-unite us. When God closes 1 door for us, he opens another. Trust in the Lord for all things & know that we are not alone. Surrounding yourself w family helps a great deal!

God bless
 
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myRaymond replied to mendezwife's response:
I do appreciate your words of encouragement and at this point in my life trusting in the Lord is all I am able to do. I think the most hurtful part of this is all the broken dreams and hopes that we had for our children and their future we can't not see. Well at least right now we are not able to see them just yet. It has been 5 weeks and 2 days and it has got a little easier. So time does heal things, even though I have moments were I break down in hurt,anger and pain. But I do pray for all of us that one day the Lord will reveal what His will was in all of this. Thank you I'll keep you in my prayers. Much peace and love
 
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mendezwife replied to myRaymond's response:
Well it seems we are on the same time frame, its been 1 month for us. & it is a lil easier. I have my moments, & we will continue to have those moments, but they will differ & change.
Its hard to believe that something so tragic has happened...I'm sure you feel the same way. But if we can educate others who have gone through it, tell our stories & share moments, we can help someone else feel better. & who doesn't love that!

Have you given thought to counseling? Do you have family support?
I started exercising & feeling healthy helps. Gets your mind going & feeling good. Or start a hobby. We gonna give it some time before we try again...maybe in the Fall. Still on the table about that. But whats meant to be will happen.

Good luck to you!
 
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myRaymond replied to mendezwife's response:
It is very hard to beleive something so tragic happened to us. I remember when I went to our ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby and they told me my membranes had ruptured. I remember calling my sister and saying "I can't beleive this is happening to me, never in a million years I thought this would happen to me". But I have to remember the Lord doesn't put more on you than we can bear. He loves us just like we love our kids and He does just what is best for us. Not to hurt us but what is in our best interest. Sometimes it gets hard and we do question Him and his will. But in do time it will all make since. At least I hope it will one day. And you are right I do find that retelling my story makes it a little easier and healing comes from it. I am currently seeing a counselor and making sure I attend my church on Sunday. I do anything to keep a positive mind and to encourage healing. My husband has been very supportive, well my entire family has been supportive. I sometimes think they really do not understand what I am going through. My mom made a comment like "you are going to have to get to a point to let Raymond go". This comment offended me because you do not understand the pain and hurt I am in. But I had to realize she has not gone through what we been through so she does not understand. My husband wants to start again he says in about 7 or eight months. But I am not sure if I even want to try again. One of the fear it happening again and two I do not one to feel like I am replacing my child. Had Raymond been here my tubes would be tied and I would have my three kids and be a happy women. But we'll see, I guess Lord not my will but your will be done. Thats the place I am at in life. Very hurtful but I am happy when I see I am not going through this alone. Thank you Menedezwife and I pray much peace and love
 
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mendezwife replied to myRaymond's response:
MyRaymond,
It seems like we have alot in common with the same feelings. Thank you for responding....as usual I agree with what you said....When I went into labor & water broke in the parking lot of our house....We too were like "this isnt happening" we must of said that a million times that day. My husband referred to it as a nightmare. (many times that day) I just couldnt & still cant believe I had twins 1 month ago & they are not here with me. Just feels like it never happend & my fear is one day I will forget them. (But I know I wont)
Its funny that your husband welcomes trying again & your hesitant.....for us its the other way. Im wanting to try again & my husband feels a lil hesitant. I think we will in a cpl months...but now its kinda hard to put into thought. We have 4 kids between us already...but none of our own. So we really want to be parents together & these twin boys were all we focused on for 6 months....to have them gone is just alot to handle & even think about trying again.
Oh & having another baby won't "replace" any baby. Children are a blessing, just keep your faith & focus on that if God blesses you again, expecting it or not, it is his will. It sounds like you have a great hubby & good support from your fam. You will gain happiness again. We both will.
Its been nice chatting with you! I'm on the East Coast......waiting for summer to come! Birds chirping, flowers popping up & the warm breeze blowing always makes you feel better!
 
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myRaymond replied to mendezwife's response:
It really has been nice conversating with you as well. I live on the east coast too, Georgia to be exact. You have said something that I haven't told anyone. And that is I am fearful that I will forget my Raymond. I don't know why I feel that way and it has been an awful tramatic experience. Like your husband says A BAD NIGHTMARE. My counselor is telling me I have to move foward and not stay stuck in the past. And I feel by staying stuck in the past I won't and can't forget Raymond. My husband and I have engraved Raymond's name in our wedding rings. Because my angel has brought me and my husband even closer than we were. You are right children are a blessing, the two I do have keep me smiling. And I do pray you alls wish comes true SOON to have a baby for the two of you. I have faith the Lord will bring it to past for you all. Thanks for your replies because I can't lie after I read them I do feel better and encoraged. I to am waiting for the summer days, bright sun and happy spirits. Much peace and love
 
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mendezwife replied to myRaymond's response:
Hello
yes it has been nice chatting with you too! Im in MD, eastern shore. We are Marines so we will move to VA in Nov. No more beach!
Yes I understand.....we won't ever forget our babies...staying in the past will only harm you. We know that...but I too felt I would forget my babies.....but as my counselor says the grieving process is long & comes in waves. Nothing can ever let your memory forget such sad things...but time does heal.
Take it 1 day at a time,,,if 1 day you feel like crying, do it! 1 day you might feel fine. That happens with us.
Just for saying, my husband & I are going to Puerto Rico in April for a much needed vacation & for our wedding ann. Maybe you can do the same, take a vacation or lil getaway with your hubby, just you two. Time away & new sights & something different will be good for the 2 of you!
Take care & thanks for responding. (sry it took me 3 days!)
 
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myRaymond replied to mendezwife's response:
I really hope you and your hubby enjoy your vacation. You all have really earned it and deserve it. We just came back from the Bahamas and we enjoyed. Even though there were times when my mind would wonder. But overall a good trip, so please enjoy for all of us on here. Much peace and love
 
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mendezwife replied to myRaymond's response:
Aww thank you! Sounds like your vacation was well enjoyed! We leave this coming Monday for PR & can't wait!

My mind wonders too at times. But I'm finding not as often anymore. We went to 1 session of counseling & honestly I don't think my husband & I really liked our counselor..he was kinda "weird" I don't know how to describe it. But we are finding that since that app we kinda dont really wanna go anymore. Talking about it was kinda uncomfortable & brought up alot of sadness. But mainly talking to a "stranger" about a very personal, tragic situation...kinda made us feel worse. I don;t know if anyone else has or is experiencing that feeling....but thats kinda how we feel.
We just spend time together & do what we always have, going on vac we are looking forward to. So we feel good in that.

I hope your doing well & continue to find happiness in every day. Take care
Mendezwife
 
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myRaymond replied to mendezwife's response:
I am sorry you feel that way towards your counselor. If you do not feel comfortable with him, then I agree I would not go back as well. Apparently you are not getting the right vibe from him and that is not what you need right now. My counselor is pretty good. He ask me questions, gives me insight on things and then gives me excercises he wants me to complete before the next session. But I must admit that I was afraid at first about going to him for such a personal and tragic matter. So your gut maybe right it is him and he is "weird". But you have to do what works for you. I still go to him because even though my husband says he feel I am doing well. I do not feel like I am doing well. My mind still wonders everyday, I guess getting over the fact it did not work out as planned. I can not get over how I dreamed and wish everything was supposed to be. I guess our ways are not His ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts. Very hurtful!!! But I can say I am better than 7 weeks and 2 days ago. Not having to cry everyday, now just a couple times a week. But it does sounds like to me you are do well, taking things one day at a time. And please again I reiterate enjoy your vacation and know that your angels are with you. And I pray that you all have a safe return home. Let me know how your vacation goes. Take care. Much Peace and Love


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