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How do you move on from a loss of pregnancy?
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js_626 posted:
Hi, I just had an ectopic pregnancy August 16,11. Still recovering from surgery, I find myself crying all the time. Other times I feel fine but I am not myself anymore. I can feel myself changing and I don't like it. I get the attitude from some people that its not a big deal and I should just get over it because I was only 4 weeks along. It is still is painful. Not only that but I am reminded of it all the time. I am going to school to be a medical assistant and that's what we are learning about, pregnancy. I have a ton of friends who are pregnant. And its like more and more are shoving it in my face. Planning baby showers and posting online their ultrasound pictures. I know its not on purpose but everything all at the same time feels like it. My boyfriend is very supportive and someday wants a child. But he seems relieved that this happened. I have a 5 year old son with someone else, but my boyfriend just seems like everyone else and says I will get pregnant eventually again and I was only a month prego. What if I can't? I have never been so scared in my life. I had my son just fine before. I mean the pregnancy was so easy I didn't even have morning sickness. AND NOW THIS???? Doesn't make any since to me. I don't care how far along I was, I wanted a second child. This is the 2nd time I have been pregnant and hearing the doctor tell me I couldn't keep it, hurts. I have never been through this before. How do you cope with pregnancy loss??
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mlk240 responded:
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. Can I ask if your tube was removed during your surgery for ectopic pregnancy? I have had 2 miscarriages, and one ectopic in which I lost my right tube, and each and every time, I break down and am depressed for a few weeks. But what pulls me through is the thought of healing and being able to try again. I still to this day, think about how far along I would have been, or how old the baby would be now, and what they would be like. I am still sad that I never got to hold any of them in my arms, or hear them say their first words or see them take their first steps.

My husband tries to be supportive, but I don't think he really knows what to do as I am the one that is feeling everything physically. He has even suggested being happy with the one we have so that I don't have to keep going through the heartbreak. But I know I am meant to be a mom of 2 kids, and I simply won't give up. I don't forget the ones that we lost, but I can't allow myself to give up. In my mind it seems like if I were to quit trying to have another baby, the ones we lost would somehow get lost with their future sibling. I know that doesn't make sense, but I almost feel like I have to keep going for them.

If you need to talk about coping/healing from the surgery, please feel free to email. I went through the same thing in December 2010. randikramer@hotmail.com
 
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js_626 replied to mlk240's response:
Thank you. I feel the exact same way. Everything you said I have been feeling. The doctor said he cut out an inch of my left tube. He said the cause is unknown and some people just have bad luck. I don't think so. I know there is a cause. Like I said before I had my son with no problem at all. Then I had a IUD for 2 years and had to go to the ER to get it removed. That seems like a cause to me. I have no symptoms at all when I become pregnant so I went to dentist and drank for my boyfriends birthday, could that slow down the process and leave it attach to the inside of the tube? It has to be one of those 3 things. I know the dentist sounds weird but I had x rays done...anyway. Everything you said makes total sense. I tried talking to a therapist but they just seemed like I was wasting their time. Pretty much everyone tells me "you'll get over it just don't think about it." or "Well, at least your alive" No one understands until they have been through it. Thanks again. I will save your email.
 
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mochabanana responded:
I came across your post this morning and I know it's been about a month, so I'm not sure if you're feeling any better yet or not. I lost conjoined twins in April at 12 weeks and felt much the same way you do, in trying to find a reason why it happened. I know everyone is different in their dealings of death, so there I can't tell you what would make you feel normal again, but I can tell you what I've done.


Because I had to have a D&C to remove the babies we decided to have the remains cremated, and put in a little urn. We had discusses taking it and spreading the little bit of ashes somewhere nice, but at the time I couldn't part with them, I needed them near me. Because my husband is not hot about the idea of an urn sitting around the house, I keep them in the memory box (box of ultrasound pictures, the positive pregnancy test, the pregnancy journal I had started, etc.) I had started for them. The box was in our closet and whenever I missed them or was sad I could go visit them. And I know it may sound a little morbid but just holding the urn and looking at the ultrasound pictures made me feel so much better. And over time I have stopped needing to visit them so often now, but if I do they are still there and I can have time with them.


If I could give any advise, I would say that you need to take your time and find something that is going to work for you to get you through the grieving process. Don't worry how odd it may seem to other people, and don't put stock in the crazy looks they give you. No one knows what it was like to carry that baby but you, and no one knows what it was like to lose that baby but you, not even other women who have lost babies, we are all different. If you are sad one day, be sad, and don't apologize for it. If you are happy, be happy and stay in the moment. Be whatever emotion you feel, it's natural to be emotional and all over, that is a grieving process. But if I can tell you anything not to do, don't let guilt have a place in your mourning. There is nothing you could have done that would have made it any different. That baby was going to be in your tube regardless of having a drink before you found out or an x-ray. None of that caused it. It just happened, it happens to many women, without reason.

Try to stay hopeful. It may be hard now, but just tell yourself that you will get pregnant again and you will have another perfect baby. I don't know if your religious or not, but faith helped me through. Knowing that maybe this just wasn't my time, but when it is that God is going to bless me again with a pregnancy and children that I will cherish them even more because I know what its like to loose one.


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