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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
why can't I stop this?
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An_229084 posted:
I am having an affair with a married man. It's a really long story but that is the bottom line. I have always loved him and he me, but at times we were just plain stupid. You see, he is also my ex-husband and yes we have a son together. We have been in and out of each others lives for 25 years, and I have NEVER cheated with him before. I don't know why I am doing this, and really don't want to stop. He says the same. I do know that it's wrong. I am not the type to have one night stands or affairs. I really do have great self esteem and I know it's not that. At the beginning, I did let the wife know that this was going on, (actually I was actually very honest with her.) so it's not that she doesn't know, I think that she just doesn't want too. I know what I should to, I just can't make myself do it. Help?
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cjh1203 responded:
The only way to make yourself do it is to do it.

What was the point in your telling his wife what you were doing? Rubbing salt in the wound? Were you trying to make yourself feel less guilty?

You're setting a terrible example for your son, and you are doing a terrible thing to your ex's wife. If he doesn't want her any more, he should be a man and get out of the marriage so she can find someone who won't cheat on her.

You and he may be having a lot of fun but you know that what you're doing is despicable.
 
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MrSnowy replied to cjh1203's response:
You see cjh1203 if she tells the wife then she is not being hypocrytical, she is being upfront and then it is ok.

It is only wrong when you live your life publically one way and do something different privately or make a mistake.

That is how Howard Stern can be much more moral than us since he does not pretend to be anything else.
 
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viviantheone replied to cjh1203's response:
actually my son is off at college 250 miles away and doesn't know any of this. (that's no excuse I know, just letting you in on facts.) And I wasn't rubbing salt in the wound, she called me up and asked me and I didn't lie.
 
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cjh1203 replied to viviantheone's response:
Just because your son isn't home doesn't mean he won't find out someday -- what is he going to think of you and your ex?

I don't know how you could cheat with another woman's husband in the first place, but I especially can't understand how you could admit to her that you're doing it and then just keep on doing it.

I have a feeling that you want someone to tell you that what you're doing isn't so bad since you were honest with the wife, and you used to be married to her husband. I don't think you're going to get that here, since many of us have been cheated on ourselves.

You know what you're doing is very wrong and, if you have any character at all, you'll stop. If your ex really wants to be with you, he needs to divorce his wife first. You and your ex have created a situation where everyone loses.
 
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MrSnowy replied to cjh1203's response:
It could be that he never really wanted to marry her in the first place, he just wanted some action. Well, now he is getting what he wanted. He is not married to her and she is giving him sex.

It is good she was honest?
 
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Foreverinyoureyes2 responded:
Help with what? Are you implying that you are powerless to make the right decision and do the honorable thing, but that your expectation is that some random stranger on a chat board is going to have some magic words that will cause you to have a complete change of heart?

You said yourself that you don't want to stop, so pretty much the buck stops there. If you wanted to stop, you would and thats about the long and the short of it.

I am certain that there are a lot of variables that make this an attractive, exciting and even fullfilling situation for you.

There is the thrill of the forbidden. That alone could keep the excitement going far longer than just a typical courtship turned relationship.

Also there are no responsibilities, just perks. You get to play non-stop, but at the end of the day you don't have to wash his dirty socks or discuss household finances or any of the other banal, mundane things that real relationships are made of.

In addition, you get the 'high' of winning the attention of a man away from another woman. I am sure it is a powerful and flattering feeling to feel as though you have been 'chosen' over someone else.

And you are apparantly at a place in your life that you are content and willing to be the 'side dish' and not the 'main course'. I would also nearly guarantee you 100% that the reason that the wife is ok is that he probably lied through his teeth and painted you as his psycho ex wife, just trying to make trouble for him. He is probably feeding her a line of crap as big as the Grand Canyon.

My exhusband was a chronic cheater. One of his standard lines to the 'other women' was that he and I didn't sleep together. Imagine the shock and surprise that one of his girlfriends got when I wound up pregnant. She went as far as to tell him he should divorce me because I obviously cheated on HIM, because she wanted so badly to believe that we were not still intimate...I chuckle when I think about the uncomfortable conversation he had to have with her to admit that the baby WAS his....(I found this out from a very reputable source, so I know its true...)

If your conscience and integrity and moral compass allows you to do this without batting an eye, then go for it. But just remember that Karma is a total bitch.....
 
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ImMe26 replied to Foreverinyoureyes2's response:
Karma can be a lovely beast...when it works in your favor....

My exhusband cheated with the woman he is with now and she cheats on him every chance she gets....lol..lol....

How do I know this?? you ask....Well once upon a time while trying to work things out , I found a notebook in a bookbag...his bookbag (he thought he was a rapper so he wrote lyrics and stuff all the time)...I started to read and it wasnt his writing it was hers, letters she would leave in his notebook ,about how sorry sheis that she (and I quote word for word) "keep her d@mn legs closed"......lol...she knows she is a s*** and admitts it...priceless!.....this and others (family)who im still close with at times..lol...have told me...I think its very fitting for what he did to our family....
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
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ImMe26 replied to ImMe26's response:
Above was supposed to read "Couldnt keep her legs closed"..my bad...
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
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cjh1203 responded:
More on the subject of your son finding out -- since you told your ex's wife about your affair with her husband, you can bet that she has told at least one other person. You are probably the subject of gossip among people who know her or you, and there's a good chance that someone who knows your son will say something about it at some point. It would be a different story if he was 8 years old, but some kid your son's age is going to think it's funny to tell him about it.

Do you want him to go into adulthood thinking it's OK for people to cheat on their spouses?
 
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Foreverinyoureyes2 replied to cjh1203's response:
Cjh...

I know that it is reflexive to appeal to the op's sense of right and wrong, but in this particular family (it is the mom and dad afterall) it IS ok for people to cheat on their spouses.

And it has been my experience that people that enter into these types of situations have a million and one justifications, and for every valid point that can be presented as evidence that they are wrong, they have a dozen justifications as to why their behavior is A-ok.

Bottom line is that they are getting way more out of the relationship than they stand to lose (they think!) and they have no intention or inclination to change until they do stand to lose something. And the sad thing is that generally what they lose is the respect of someone that they love, and it is already lost by the time they decide to change the situation.

OR the cheaters will ultimately end up together, and then they will realize what a 'prize' that they have won. Generally it takes them all of 30 seconds of being 'together' for real to realize that, "HEY! If you will cheat with me, you will cheat on me..." and then they never trust themselves, the other party or anyone for that matter, again...

Thank you Karma....
 
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Schmaylan replied to cjh1203's response:
I dont really know what to say because your not asking for help, you are looking for affirmation that what your doing isnt 'so bad' or its better that you told her.

You said you dont want to stop, so you wont. Simple as that. No one can change themselves without first having the desire to do so. Ask any one with an addiction, they arent going to give it up until they have a stark moment that puts things in focus and makes them find a want to change.

You arent there so why waste our time? I will be nice although I have a long list of things to say about women like you.

Ditto to everything Forever said, I couldnt have said it better.

Whenever you are ready to make things right then I will answer with advice. Im not wasting my time while you play out your little soap opera.
The pride of a lion is your disguise but the fear of a coward is in your eyes.
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to Foreverinyoureyes2's response:
I agree on everything Forever has says.

I have nothing more to add because it would just cause an argument sooner or later.

Just dont expect to get sympathy or instructions from most of the regulars. We have been cheated on and its not a fun experience.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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3point14 responded:
Why are you guys not just together?

And think about that reason, or those reasons.

And you're still having consentual sex with this man that you can't stop yourself from doing? That's hurting at least one other person, but probably disgusting/hurting/appalling a dozen others?'


And bad news. If he's good enough to just sleep with, not have a relationship with to you, he feels the same way about you. I would hope that someone with at LEAST 25 years' experience on this planet would have a better self image than that. It's a shame, really.

If you want help, not just to be told you're doing the right thing, get a therapist and stop having sex with this person. You'll find it's easier to refrain from having sex with someone than doing it. Get out of his life, get him out of yours, but in a real way. No contact. No casual conversations. No dinner to discuss the "issue". Just stop associating.

If you don't really want to stop? I dunno, go to confession or something. Because on some level you know what you're doing isn't right, and don't have the fortitude not to do it.
...oh, you know me...I love the universe, I love all the listeners, watch it! Here's fifty-thousand watts of goodwill! (thepixies bam!thwok)
 
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IslandL responded:
You and your ex are having a sexual relationship. His current wife knows about it. So what is keeping THEM together? Why isn't he leaving her to be with you? I find this a weird dynamic all the way around and you don't sound as though you want help really.
When faced with a dilemma ask yourself, WWJBD... What Would Jimmy Buffet DO


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