My husband the firecracker....
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ClosetRocker posted:
I'm at a lost and I don't know where to turn for advice so I'm coming here...

Yesterday I was pretty tired after cooking a big dinner and taking care of our 4 month old so hubby (after we fooled around) VOLUNTEERED to wash my work uniforms for me for the next day... Hubby did this with the terms that I keep the baby upstairs with me and give him some time alone to play Call Of Duty...fine. This morning I started thinking "I must have been tired last night because I never heard the dryer buzz". While I'm getting dressed for work I asked my husband if the uniforms were clean because they didn't smell like they were just washed and he says "yes". I start to iron the shirt and I notice a stain on it so I asked him "are you sure that these uniforms are clean because this shirt has a stain on it from my lunch" he replies "yes honey, I'm sure". Next shirt looks clean but doesn't smell clean.... Long story short he ends up telling me that he washed one of my uniforms so I must have gotten the dirty one(s)....really? Why not tell me that when I asked if the uniforms were washed. I looked in the dryer, the same clothes were in the dryer that were in there when I went to bed and all the clothes in the washer were still intact like they were just spun out!!!
I told my hubby that it's obvious that he didn't wash my uniforms and all he had to do was tell me and he starts to yell up the stairs while I'm getting dressed "Stop f****** talking to me! Just shut the f up. Don't call me a f****** liar" WTH! I didn't call him a liar but I didn't question if he was telling the truth. He's yelling so loudly that he ends up waking the baby and she starts to cry. Why is that ok?
I feel like it is so hard to say anything to him because if he feels "insulted" he will start to act a damn fool... He tells me that I play detective and it annoys him but sometimes that's the only way that I get the truth...I hate to be lied to and he lies to me about the dumbest of crap, from smoking to when he put gas in the car... It makes me nervous because he shouldn't be comfortable with lying to me regardless of if it's a little white lie or not. He blames me for why he lies, saying that it's too hard to tell me the truth because of how I react. What am I supposed to do? Am I just supposed to believe everything that he says even though all signs point to him lying... I could see if he has been completely honest with me about everything but he has lied to me on several occassions. I'm so upset and I don't get why he would talk to me like that... I get that people don't like to be questioned but why would I not question some things?! I know that this may seem pretty trivial to some if not most but this lying and blowing up has got to stop... I don't know how to approach him on the situation and I really need advice on what to do.

Thanks in advance for any input or advice on this issue.
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cjh1203 responded:
Some people are just compulsive liars -- they will lie about even the most trivial things, even though it doesn't accomplish a thing. It sounds like your husband may be one of those. Has he always been that way?

Here's a short article about compulsive liars (sorry, but it's not very encouraging): http://www.about-personal-growth.com/compulsive-lying.html .

Since he won't admit that he lies, it's probably going to be almost impossible to get him to counseling, but it's worth a try.

The blowups are troubling because he's blaming you for his behavior when, of course, it's 100% on his shoulders. A child should not be exposed to an episode like the one you describe and, if it happens regularly, it's going to start having an effect on your baby.

What you describe has some of the same characteristics as physical or emotional abuse -- where he blames you for his bad behavior and loses control of his temper and says you made him do it.

Is he at all controlling with you? Has he ever physically harmed you?

The lying would be hard enough to live with -- I couldn't do it -- but the violent episodes are even worse, not least because of the effect they'll have on your child.

I don't think you're going to be able to get him to change by yourself. I would insist on counseling and, if he refuses, you may need to think about whether this is a healthy relationship for you to stay in, and to expose your child to.
 
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3point14 replied to cjh1203's response:
I (as always) agree with everything CJH said. His behavior is NOT Ok, towards either you or in its' exposure to your child.

Be honest, are you sure you're NOT hard to approach with things? Would you have blown up if he admitted to not washing the uniforms? I'm not saying you're unjustified, just maybe that you tend to react more emotionally than a situation warrants. Again, not saying this is the case, but just saying that that could be where he's coming from.

Doing something "wrong" (or even not doing something "wrong"), lying about it, blowing up at and then blaming you. If your best friend said she was in a relationship like that, what would your advice be? What about this relationship makes up for that cycle? For how long have you been together? For how long has the lying been a part of the dynamic?

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It is really frustrating to be with someone whose word you can't put faith in.
...oh, you know me...I love the universe, I love all the listeners, watch it! Here's fifty-thousand watts of goodwill! (thepixies bam!thwok)
 
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Foreverinyoureyes2 replied to 3point14's response:
I agree with Cjh and Pi...

However, I think that where the hairs need to be split on whether or not you are difficult to approach is this:

Do you blow up if he tells you something up front? Or do you get angry when he finally comes clean after lying to you about some banal, silly thing for 30 minutes.

He may be intentionally trying to deflect your justified anger at being lied to, by turning around to you being unreasonable over small things.

I DETEST being lied to, about large or small issues. So if you are totally ticked because of the lie, and not the behavior, I feel you, sister.

If he had just come clean about not washing the uniforms what would your typical response be? Would you flip, or did your anger build as you knew you were being lied to straight to your face?
 
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queston replied to 3point14's response:
Some good points from 3point14

I know it's a stereotype, but there is a tendency for some wives to nag and mother their husbands. Sometimes, for example, my wife will come in and re-sort the laundry loads that I have sorted. The funny thing is, I do more laundry than she does! (And I never wreck her clothes or anything.) This is just a dumb little example of the principle. It can start to feel belittling after a while if one encounters that attitude all the time. It's like you're saying "You never get stuff right" or "you're too inept to trust with this" or whatever. No one wants to be getting these messages from their spouse, so they start lying or evading or whatever they have to do to aviod subjecting themselves to it.

Now, I am *not* saying that you do this, and I'm *not* saying that this would justify his lying or outbursts. I'm just saying that changing our own behavior is always easier than changing someone else's, so that's generally a good place to start evaluating.
 
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darlyn05 replied to queston's response:
The only thing I can add to what the other posters have already written is to ask you to look at our resource tab at the Domestic Abuse resource to see if there is a pattern of that in your relationship. Your post sounds too close and familar to me.
 
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isabellin responded:
honey...thats how u approach him with love and not pointing fingers or nagging at him. im not saying he was right, but at least he tried to valunteer, maybe he forgot idk...whats ur hubbies name? lol he sounds like my hubbie xcept for the cursing and constant lying...my husband did the same thing, saying he will wash MY uniforms and i notice he just took them out of the durty laundry and fold them back, lol, and i notice it also cause of a stain from lunch. its not funny but it is funny at the same time... i told him i cannot be going to wrk smelling bad and get fired. if you dont want to do it, dont do it, as simple as that...but one time i did the same thing to him i pretended that i washed his clothes and just fold them back ,underwares and everything, lmao, yeah he was upset but he got the point... so what i do i try not to argue, just put it like this, arguing is bad for our health. so when he does something that i dont like or it bothers me i'll ignoned it and do the same thing to him..it might not be right for some ppl or it might not wrk for some ppl, but it wrks for me lol.

and yes you have to mothered your husbands "sometimes"...
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to isabellin's response:
I had trouble getting past the first few sentences. He volunteered to wash your uniforms as long as you kept the baby out of his hair and he could immerse himself in his video games...Hmm...

And THEN when you noticed they weren't washed he blatantly lied about it.

I can understand why you're upset, either way. Obviously he lied to you. He lied when he said he would wash them (sounds like he was just trying to score some game time) and he lied when confronted with the fact that he didn't wash them.

Whether you tend to overreact or not, I have no idea. Not really an excuse in my book, but hey....My husband can be high strung sometimes and regardless of whether he gets upset or not I tell him the truth bc I'm not a liar.

What really threw flags up all over the place is the fact that he was screaming and cursing at you when HE is the one who goofed up in the first place.

I don't know what to tell you to do about all this, but I would advise you to strongly evaluate where your relationship is. Is this a normal method of communication between the two of you? If so maybe you need to research (together) communications skills, or seek marriage counseling.
 
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ClosetRocker responded:
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I will check the link out later when I'm at home.

He has NEVER physically abused abused me. We have screamed at each other before. He's not controlling but he rarely thinks that he is wrong and does try to force his opinion on to others. He's not ok with disagreeing, he has to make you see his point. It really does bother me that he yelled like that with the baby around and I told him that he's making his anger more important than our child...that is never ok.

If he would have told me that he forgot to wash my uniforms I probably would have talked a little trash but I wouldn't have went off on him. I hate that this ends up being my fault. "Stop questioning me" he says...how can I not??!!

We have been together for 5 years and he has always had somewhat of a temper but it's really easy to set off these days...IDK. We have some extra financial stress going on right now and our schedules are a little hectic with the baby so maybe this has something to do with it. I will admit that I can be mean and he has complained of me talking to him like a child before. We end up playing the blame game after an argument instead of trying to prevent it from happening again. It's like he is constantly trying to win a fight....UGH! I just called home and he wants to tell me that I should stop pushing his buttons and that I am at fault because I called him out of his name (by saying that he lied).

I will admit to nagging from time to time and ultimately I think that this is why he lied. This is one of the only times that I didn't remind him to do something or "nag" him and he forgot to do it. HA! I just want us to grow both as a couple and individually but that's hard to do when he feels like his actions (yelling and lying) are justified... What now?

I love my hubby and want to spend the rest of my life with him but this Incredible Hulk act has got to go....
 
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3point14 replied to ClosetRocker's response:
Therapy would be AWESOME for you guys. Both dedicated to your life and family together, but extenuating circumstances and poor fighting skills lead to increased tension. Your ways aren't working for you, but you seem to like him enough as a person to be willing to compromise on some things.
...oh, you know me...I love the universe, I love all the listeners, watch it! Here's fifty-thousand watts of goodwill! (thepixies bam!thwok)
 
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ClosetRocker replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I don't really have a problem with him playing video games..hell, I didn't even have a problem with his proposal but I do have a problem with the events that followed. I probably do overreact but I still stay in my lane (not yelling or cursing). I agree with you, he has some nerve to yell at me when he was the one that dropped the ball...wth??!!
 
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queston replied to ClosetRocker's response:
A book that I think could be very helpful for you (plural) is John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The premise is that while you may not be able to solve your problems and disagreements, you can learn to deal with them much more effectively and with less buildup of ill-will between partners.
 
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ClosetRocker replied to 3point14's response:
Thanks for your input...I have to convice Mr. Know-it-all that he is flawed just like the rest of us and could benefit from therapy but it's worth a try. And yes, I am definitely willing to compromise to make my marriage work because it is one worth keeping... I just don't want to deal with any yelling and disrespect. Thanks again for the advice!
 
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ClosetRocker replied to queston's response:
I have heard of this before and I appreciate you refreshing my memory... This is an awesome idea and I am at the bookstore this weekend to find it. I just want us to love each other and not have any animosity after a disagreement because after a while sorry is not enough.... Thanks again
 
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Foreverinyoureyes2 replied to ClosetRocker's response:
ClosetRocker,

I would encourage you to google Cluster B personality disorders. He sounds like he might fit into some of the catagories of a Cluster B.

Not that having a disorder excuses his behavior in anyway, but sometimes if you can understand why someone behaves the way they do you can better figure out a good strategy for reacting/responding to them.