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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    honest response its all making sense
    An_229087 posted:
    To keep this short but interesting, only going to hit the main points and if you want more detail just ask?
    So a friend of ours sent me a text yesterday asking if we were getting the fight, and if we weren't I could go watch it over at their place. Talked to my wife and she gave me a list of reasons why we don't get the fight. Now our youngest was a little whiny and maybe sick, but he would have loved to see his friends and have them come over and play. And I think everyone would have rather watched the fight here, b/c we have a media room. Long story short I ended up going to his place to watch the fight. While there he made a comment on why we hardly ever invite them over to our place. We all laughed about it, and moved on to something else. But it got me to thinking?I love to entertain but my wife doesn't mind it, but she will never suggest it and when I do she tells me why we can't. Saturday is for family?Sunday is for her to rest and get ready for the workweek. Other times, she said we didn't have a baby sitter. I finally mentioned to my wife that by not taking our son with us when we go see them, it doesn't give him a chance to play with others outside of daycare and socialize with others and in the long run, it may hurt him socially. She finally gave in, and we started taking him and he has a blast and we get to spend time with our friends. Other friends of ours in the past have said that they won't invite us over anymore until we start to invite them. When people invite us out, she give every reason why we can't go?finally I get her to go and she has fun and is usually the last one that wants to leave. Now looking at the big picture, I feel like this is kind of what is what is going on in our bedroom as well. Please read my post and thread "what to do when she keeps changing the rules?" I feel and I think our friends do as well (not for sure but just my thoughts on them) that the "emotional bank" that I/we have with my wife is being depleted. I feel like I am always making deposits into our emotional bank and it is not that she is "taking" from our bank without me knowing?it's just that if it is offered she will take it. I tend not to make as many deposits now and I have noticed that our friends don't invite us out as much. If I were them?I think I would do the same. Why continue to invite someone if they continually say no or not invite us out in return. Am I reading too much into this? Keep in mind my other thread as well?
    a_pugs_person responded:
    My first question is, are these your friends as a couple or your friends as an individual?

    My ex was hesitant to go out with or over to the houses of 'my' friends, and I was probably also hesitant to spend a lot of time with 'his' friends. We didn't really have any friends that were couples that we met as a couple.

    Neither of us had any issues with the other person's friends, but we also didn't have a lot in common with them, or the talk revolved around work or whatever group the connection had been made in and it always left one of us out.

    Since we split up, I have realized that many of my (and his?) friends were aware that we were having trouble, maybe even moreso than we were. I think that may have influenced their desire to hang out with us.

    Knowing that you are your wife are having some issues, perhaps others are picking up on this, or on the fact that you seem to be having to ask permission and/or convince her to do things and it just seems easier for everyone to not put that pressure on you and wonder if you will or won't ultimately come through.

    I don't know about your wife, but my ex's friends - even those who now know me well - are/were put off by me. They don't really think I'm a bitch, I don't think, but they're not quite sure how to take me or how to act around me. This could be another factor with your wife, especially if she doesn't get out much or takes a while to warm up to folks, etc.

    My parents had a rule when I was growing up that I couldn't go to a friends house or have them over to my house until the visit had been reciprocated. Occasionally this was bent to allow 2 visits in a row or something, but for the most part I think they felt that the responsibility needed to be shared amongst all parents. The same is true of friendships. I think about that all the time when I'm invited somewhere - how will I reciprocate this invitation?

    Perhaps you and your wife could start a date night and meet other couples at a location instead of going to someone's house. Then you can interact with other folks, but avoid the implied responsibility of hosting an evening.
    IslandL responded:
    Have you mentioned to your wife what friends have been saying? About invitations to socialize drying up? Perhaps it's not something she has noticed enough to care about.

    It may be that she just doesn't want the responsibility of entertaining, planning and preparing the food, the cleanup, the expense of it all, and simply allotting the time to spend with people when she could be doing something she finds less taxing and more enjoyable personally. If that's the case perhaps the two of you could reach some kind of compromise...setting aside just one night a month, you taking more responsibility for the work involved, limiting the number of people, etc.

    If I were you, I'd try discussing it in a non-judgemental way and listen, really listen to what she has to say. I would not try to tie it into your bedroom issues, that is bound to backfire and make her resentful.
    When faced with a dilemma ask yourself, WWJBD... What Would Jimmy Buffet DO
    An_229088 replied to IslandL's response:
    I love this site. you guys are great!!

    I have mentioned to my wife what our friends are saying but the only time it really changed anything is when i brought our son into it. What i have done (thinnk she finds it kind of cute) is walk around the house talking to Paul on the phone. Paul does not exist but i talk to him about what he is doing and what time and answering questions that she would understand like "oh you know i cant come over...its Sunday" she laughs about it but dont think it really sets in. The "responsibility" makes a little sense as well, although i try to do as much of work as i can. i like to cook, and grill and people usually stay behind to help us straighten thngs up.

    i would never tie this to the bedroom...but i was comparing the two as far as the "emotional bank" goes

    I would be okay with once a month but that month quickly turns into 3-6 months that just passed by and we havent done anything with friends
    An_229089 replied to a_pugs_person's response:
    the friends in question are "our" friends and they are all couples as well. we met them through some other friends that since then...everyone has really had a fallen out with the other friends and that is another thread for another time...

    all of our friends talk about how much they are happy with we are in the cirlce now vs the other ones that introduced us...and i don't think that they pick up that we are having issues...but you never know my biggest concerns is that bit by bit and i think it is already happening we will get invited to less and less events b/c they don't know what the excuse will be and we dont ask them out to dinner or over to do things. usually they are doing something almost every weekend at someone house so it would be hard to continue to go to someone house yet not invite anyone over to ours. you want to share what you have with your closest friends and family so it hurts a little when i cant invite our friends over. i feel like i have to ask permission for someone to come over and "play" when i mention it say something for 2 weekends from now...she says we will see and wants to wait until the thrus before to say yes and invite them but i think that is a little unfair b/c that does not give them enough time to make i try to just plan out a week in advance and still get the response "we will see" i think part of it is...when we do something she wants to go all out to make sure everything is perfect while i want to keep things simple and BYOB and do some easy light grilling
    IslandL replied to An_229089's response:
    What would your wife and friends think about doing "pot lucks"? For a time I was in a circle where we did this every few weeks. Always BYOB, everyone brought what they wanted to throw on the grill and a side dish to share. Kept the cost down to what you would spend on just your own family, but was alot more fun. Since most of us had kids, they came along and the older ones watched the younger ones. Cards and conversation for the adults. Everybody packed up their leftovers when it was time to go home, helped with whatever dishes, so there wasn't beaucoup cleanup.

    Entertaining that way never felt like a drain to me, and the majority of these parties took place in my apartment. If this idea would appeal to your crowd maybe you could have one of the other women run it by your wife?
    When faced with a dilemma ask yourself, WWJBD... What Would Jimmy Buffet DO
    An_229090 replied to IslandL's response:
    we did this thing that we called "the budget club dinner" a couple of us were buying our house and we knew that we would have to tighten up on a few things but still wanted to entertain so it was like a "pot luck" where everyone would bring somthing and someone would suggest a movie to watch and everyone took "their" stuff back with them. we havent done it in a while so maybe i can bring it up to one of the other gals
    An_229091 replied to IslandL's response:
    BTW, i havent metioned what was said by this group of friends this time b/c right now we are trying to work through some other things and i dont want to seem like all i am doing is complaining or ganging up on her
    IslandL replied to An_229091's response:
    Yeah, "ganging up on her" would not get you what you want, which is an improved social life.

    A variation on the pot luck thing is gourmet group. Once a month a group of friends meet at one's home for a "theme" meal: appetizers, mexican, italian, chinese, soul food, what-have-you. Each couple/individual makes one dish representative of the chosen cuisine. Great way to try new foods without having to make a bunch of different things yourself. Along with rotating the type of cuisine, the party rotates to a different friend's home each month. Depending on how many people you get to participate, you and your wife would only have to host every several months. Would she enjoy something like that?

    I think it would be great if one or more of the women in your circle would call her to chat and invite her personally to get together, rather than have invitations go through you. Knowing her company is enjoyed and has been missed might go alot farther than what might be perceived as "nagging" by you. Know what I mean?
    When faced with a dilemma ask yourself, WWJBD... What Would Jimmy Buffet DO
    An_229092 replied to IslandL's response:
    now that i think about it...doing things once a month, the last time we had anyone over was for my birthday party back in Aug (which i had to organize) before that it was for a surprise bday party for her about 5 months earlier (again i organzied) i play flag football and have told my wife for the past 2 season that i wanted to have everyone on the team over for a get together. last season she said we will see and whenever i brought it up, it kind of got swept under the rug. this year, we are expecting our 2nd next year, so she told me that as soon as i got our son ready to move to the big boy room, i could have everyone over. Well i got the his room ready over a month ago and she never said a word about the party. I think i am just going to have to put my foot down and say i want everyone to come over this weekend, to watch the game and fire up the grill.

    I feel like the little kid that always goes to others people house to play...but noone every comes to his house to play. maybe she wasnt allow to have many people over when she was younger. if so..that is why " its all making sense"
    darlyn05 replied to An_229092's response:
    My H would never want to entertain unless it was for his childrens birthday for his family or Thanksgiving and Christmas for his family where I would put out the spread of food and sit in the back ground making sure everyone was having a good time and good meal and taking the pictures.
    IslandL replied to An_229092's response:
    If you "put your foot down" and invite all your buddies over are you prepared to do ALL the shopping, cooking, keeping the mugs refilled, and cleanup afterward?
    When faced with a dilemma ask yourself, WWJBD... What Would Jimmy Buffet DO
    An_229093 replied to IslandL's response:
    The few times we do entertain, I do that now... so it is nothing new. But as far as keeping the mugs filled...they can make and fill their own drinks. i will do the grilling but they can make their own plate
    An_229094 replied to darlyn05's response:
    those times are given...i want to entertain all the other times. in the last year we have had people over around 2 times, while our friends usually have something once a month or at least once a qt. not trying to be like them...i just want to have friends over and have a good time. i think it would be good for our son too b/c most of them have kids and it is good for them to have playdates too
    IslandL replied to An_229093's response:
    The only reason I brought it up is that, stereotypically speaking, sometimes when a man wants "to have a few friends over", his idea of what's involved is turning pieces of meat over on the grill with a beer in hand. For his female partner it means cleaning like mad to make the house immaculate and the bathroom spotless, planning that there will be more than enough food for everyone, also taking into account any guests restrictions like food allergies, veganism. It means shopping for all the food, and an appropriate selection of alcoholic/non-alcoholic beverages and desserts. Then there is the potential hours of food prep/cooking, properly set tables, making sure the guests drinks are replenished throughout the party and the often considerable clean up afterward.

    If you are willing to do all that leaving your wife free to be "a guest" herself ....maybe that would quell any objections she may have. But you would have to follow through and do ALL the work yourself if you commit to it.
    When faced with a dilemma ask yourself, WWJBD... What Would Jimmy Buffet DO

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