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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Younger Guy
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a_pugs_person posted:
Sorry for posting here in the Couples Group, but the Singles Group seems to be a bit dead. I hoped someone here might have some insight.

I have a friend who is always trying to set me up. She thinks I need to get laid (her words!), even going so far as to suggest a one-night stand. She is most often trying to set me up with guys who want her but she doesn't want; guys she's messed with but decided she didn't want; that sort of thing.

First off, I'm not into sloppy seconds! LOL And I've told her this. But she says, just talk to them, get to know them, have fun having someone to hang out with every now and then. Which, honestly, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with more.

Anyway! This latest guy she's trying to set me up with is younger than my little brother. This is a HUGE issue for me. Not because I don't want to hang with someone my brother's age - we actually get along pretty good now and he can be a lot of fun. But I know I wouldn't want someone my age dating my brother, it would be weird.

This guy is 24, I'm 30, which I realize isn't as ancient as it feels sometimes. He's just starting out in life, looking for a girlfriend or at least a fling, and I'm coming off a divorce, sorta in an LDR with someone else, and not interested in flings.

Is it reasonable to think that he's too young for me - at least at this point in our lives and/or for a relationship? Or am I being too picky? Like I said, I don't have a problem hanging out and getting to know him. But I've been very blunt with both of them that I'm not looking for a relationship, especially not a sexual one, and neither seems to be hearing that.

How do I handle this situation, when it's very clear that we're after two different things?

And, since I can't tell my friend about my other relationship for reasons I won't get into here, how I can make it clear to her that I don't want to be set up, especially with her cast offs?
Reply
 
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fcl responded:
I don't see your age difference (given the age you are) as a problem. What I do see as a problem are the following points:

  • Your divorce is possibly too recent (less than a year?) to be looking for a new relationship.


  • You're already seeing someone (and that seems to suit you) on and off so, again, you're not looking for a new relationship.


  • You have an interfering busybody of a friend.


I think it's time you told your friend that your private life is your affair and that, although she means well, you don't want her to set you up with any more guys because if she does you will simply not turn up.

Just because she sets up dates for you doesn't mean you have to go! Stand up for yourself! If you don't want to offend her then just remember that everytime she sets you up that you're offended!

Also remember that if you'd like to have other people to just hang out with that you're perfectly capable of making friends without her assistance
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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3point14 responded:
You both want different things, and you seem to not want him. What's the point in working something out? Especially if you're already in a "sorta" relationship?
...oh, you know me...I love the universe, I love all the listeners, watch it! Here's fifty-thousand watts of goodwill! (thepixies bam!thwok)
 
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MrSnowy responded:
6 years is not that much. Can you have a fling while you still have a LDR? You could just settle for a LOTR. I hear that is more adventurous.

Why is your friend trying to get you laid is that not happening in the LDR?

What is a LDR?
 
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fcl replied to MrSnowy's response:
LDR = Long Distance Relationship

My question is - what business is it of her friend's whether she is getting laid or not?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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a_pugs_person replied to fcl's response:
My friend does not know about my LDR. She knows I speak to this person, but not to the extent our relationship has grown/developed because she does not/would not fully approve of certain aspects of our relationship. She and I have been through a lot together and have realized that sometimes it's just better if we don't tell each other everything - even though we usually can.

She does not set me up on dates, but rather gives me guys phone numbers, email addresses, etc. or has them send me email or Facebook messages, etc. They're perfectly nice to talk to, but I make it clear up front I'm not looking for sex. Or at least not for just sex. That seems to shut many of them down.

She thinks I need to get laid because of the crapiness of my sex life with my ex and the fact that he was the only guy I'd ever been with. In her view (I think) if I had a few more sexual experiences I might find that I actually enjoy sex rather than seeing it as a chore and/or having no sex drive as seemed to be the case with my ex.

And, in that regard she might be right, because the LDR I'm in includes sex and it is absolutely, gloriously FANTASTIC. LOL

But, in general, no, none of that is her business, although were it not for the circumstances of the relationship I would gladly tell her. Not only to get her off my back and ease her poor worried mind about my unfulfilled needs, but to brag and share my extreme joy at finding such a wonderful and attentive lover. Who also happens to be an all-around good guy.
 
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cjh1203 replied to a_pugs_person's response:
If your friend wants to give you guys' numbers and email addresses, that's fine -- you can just throw them away. But she needs to know that it's not OK to give your numbers and email addresses to other people, no matter who they are. I would be furious if someone I knew was handing out my contact information without my permission. Not only is it presumptuous, it could also be dangerous.

I would just tell her you're really not interested in going out with anyone, and she'll be the first to know when you are.
 
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IslandL replied to a_pugs_person's response:
Why can't you tell your friend about your wonderful, attentive lover who also happens to be an all-around good guy?

Let me guess: he's married and your friend would not approve?
 
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a_pugs_person replied to IslandL's response:
His divorce is not final, no. We were both going through similar things with our exes and rekindled our on again off again 10 year friendship. We did not set out to have a romantic or sexual relationship, but as we spent more time together, old feelings were brought back to life (we semi-dated a loooonnnnnggggg time ago) and things just happened.

She does not approve of the fact that we were talking and hanging out before he was officially separated, even though nothing had happened at that point. And so, would not approve of the romantic nature of our relationship now.

Nevermind that her divorce is not final either, although she's been separated over 2 years, and she is seeing other people.

Island, I sense that you want me to affirm your suspicions about his relationship status so either he or I or both can be made out to be bad people. I don't think we are. I think sometimes things just change in relationships. Maybe they were never right to begin with. Maybe the right one slipped through your fingers. Maybe the right person for the moment just comes along when the moment is right.

My friend is not a bad person either. But she was cheated on and had it thrown in her face and she doesn't want to think of me as the 'other woman'. Again, all this is speculation on my part, but from what we have discussed this is where her feelings spring from.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to a_pugs_person's response:
I don't think IslandL is trying to make either of you look like a bad person. She's simply pointing out that it doesn't seem that any of these "relationships" are working out for you in a positive way and that maybe you need to re-evaluate where this is all going altogether.

I could be wrong in all that but I really don't think she's trying to say you're a bad person.


Does your friend have suspicions that your LDR is still IN his relationship and is telling you otherwise? Something doesn't sound quite right about the LDR, jmho.
 
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IslandL replied to a_pugs_person's response:
If he is separated I don't think that makes you "the other woman". Possibly a difficult position though, if his wife is under the impression they may reconcile.

Seems to me you would be better off "putting your big girl pants on" and either telling your friend the truth about your relationship, or as others have suggested, telling her your sex life (or supposed lack thereof) is none of her business. I mean really, those are your choices if you're tired of her comments and throwing other men at you.
 
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a_pugs_person replied to IslandL's response:
I appreciate all the opinions offered.

I have told my friend that I am not looking for another relationship, but it is one of those instances where she was going through a bad divorce a few years ago and knows what she needs/needed and thinks I need the same and just don't realize it. We're working through our issues - like friends do.

I'm actually very content with the way things are in my LDR. We talk often, laugh a ton, and have a good time when we're together whether there's sex involved or not. That's the great part about him having been a friend for so long beforehand. I don't believe he is still with his wife, nor do I think she has any hopes of a reconciliation.

I chatted a lot with this younger guy earlier in the week. He seems like a very nice person. One I might even enjoy spending time with at some point. But I was very frank (some people might call it b!tchy) about what I am and am not looking for. Sex being very high on the not looking for list. He has not been as communicative since then, so maybe that's that.
 
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IslandL replied to a_pugs_person's response:
Far better to rule out "booty call boy" before ever getting attatched I say pugs.


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