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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
What am I supposed to say to this?
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queston posted:
Me: Are you angry at me?

Wife: No

Me: Why does it seem like you are angry at me all the time?

Wife: I'm not mad at you.

Me: OK, but that's not the question that I asked you.


Wife: I'm not mad at you.

Me: But that's still not the question that I asked you. Why does it seem like you are angry at me all the time?

Wife: I guess I'm just a bitch.

???
Reply
 
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cjh1203 responded:
She is angry about something, and she expects you to magically figure it out. I've been guilty of this myself -- it's a lousy thing to do.

All I know to try is to sit down with her and tell her that it's obvious she's unhappy with you about something and you'd like a chance to fix it if you can, but you can't do anything unless you know what it is.
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
Have you explained to her what she is doing to seem that she is mad at you? Her reply seems like one that was made in exhasperation.
 
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Luca_Brasi responded:
cjh is dead on with this one, as I have experienced it firsthand as well.
Her anger will peak with frustration, and will clear the air.
 
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a_pugs_person responded:
Oh Boy!

I hate to say it, but I think I've been the bitch in this conversation a few times. And when I was, I was generally mad or frustrated about something. Sometimes I could put my finger on it but just didn't want to say anything and other times I really didn't know what was causing it I was just generally aggravated.

From your previous posts, and if I am recalling correctly, you help out a lot around the house. My ex didn't. That was a source of a lot of my frustration. Which led to encounters like the one above. And problems elsewhere in our relationship - like the sexual issues you've talked about.

I wish I could offer some sage advice; something that would make you feel better about your situation and would help you be able to fix it. But I never felt comfortable opening up to my ex (I know, so many warning bells should have gone off there!) and so I couldn't, wouldn't, or didn't tell him more when things were bothering me. When I did try to talk to him I felt like he wasn't hearing what I was really trying to say and that made matters worse.

I would say first off, assure your wife you do not think she is a bitch (whether or not that is the case). Explain to her how YOU feel, as much as possible without blaming her for your feelings. Give specific examples of behaviors (again trying not to blame her) that lead you to believe one thing or another.

Given the recent news about lawsuits and whatnot, you may or may not want to do this, but I also say, SNOOP! My thoughts tend to go round and round and I never get anywhere with them myself, but even so I was trying to journal or talk to friends to try to resolve some of my/our issues on my own. Your wife may be doing the same. You very likely won't like what you find, but if you're really intent on working on the issues - or on the fence about whether or not they need to be or can be worked on - then anything you find will help you come to your own decision.

Just don't tell your wife how you came about your knowledge. Some things are better that way. She doesn't need to know you looked through her personal life; the one she tried to keep hidden from you. It will make her feel violated and untrusted and disrespected.

Maybe it's not such a good idea after all! LOL I just know that I sometimes wished my ex would come across my ramblings and see that it wasn't just him I talked in circles with and there were some actual small things he could do to change. They weren't things that were big enough I felt like fighting about them (pick up your socks!), but adding up day after day after day they pushed me to my wits end.
 
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queston replied to a_pugs_person's response:
update:

She came to bed last night (after we practically didn't interact at all last evening) and said "I'm sorry I've been so ornery and mean to you--I'll try to do better."

I had been sleeping until about 10 seconds before she said this, so I really didn't reply at all (I don't remember for sure if I said anything or not.) She got into bed and snuggled up to me, and I just held her for a while until we went to sleep.

So, still confused, but this is better, I think.
 
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a_pugs_person replied to queston's response:
Sounds like she's trying to deal with some things that she doesn't want to let you in on. For whatever reason.

Sometimes we do just need to have someone point out to us that we're not acting like our normal selves or treating others the way we should or whatever.

I know depression runs in my family and I think I have some trouble with it as well as other mental health issues. These all color my view of the world, my interactions with others, my moods (obviously), everything. Sometimes I don't even realize I've fallen into a 'funk'. Is it possible your wife is experiencing similar difficulties?

Or you mentioned menopause at one point. Is that upsetting her? Other than the hormonal changes she may be feeling old and worn out; useless; undesirable; etc. I haven't experience that yet, so I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas.

I think it's great that you are trying to work things out and talk with her on a regular basis. All I can say is, Keep trying, even those of us who don't seem to want to talk about things need to know that there are those who love us and that we can talk to them whenever the urge strikes.


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