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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Kept Secrets
    An_229186 posted:
    Dating this girl has brought stress to me but she means the world to me, is this ironic? Are they lies? Or is it the truth? Ex: party at friend's house, we had been talking for some time and she arrives to the party and is all over a "friend" when originally she came to the party for me. That night I am told from another friend that she cannot decide between the two of us. Another Ex: Christmas party, one day after we had been dating and spend the whole week together she arrives to the party and later that night I have passed out and two of my friends tell me a two weeks later that she laid down with the same guy from the first party and my friend told her to get up. Immediately after finding this out I send a text to everyone who was at the party if they seen her with this guy and everyone but my two friends who originally told me says yes. But, someone does tell she had seen my girlfriend at the mall with a bunch of guys. I had not heard from my girlfriend the whole day and then the day after I am told that she went to a party and got plastered drunk and also done other drugs. I do not know who to trust and believe. Oh! I cannot forget this one, Christmas morning my girlfriend goes to see her ex-boyfriends home to visit his family because they mean a lot to her. Is this feeling I get jealousy because I am worried and stressed? I find it hard to believe her on certain things. We barely spend time together and I feel like that may be why I get these feelings.
    In her past she has done drugs and every since with me she says that I am keeping her away from them. But she still does pills and admits this to me like I do not care. My record is clear of any drugs, I am very active and play sports and really down to earth and see live as realistic and what I try to do is keep her from these drugs and the people who has them. She means everything to me. I've spent four years chasing after this girl and finally got her in my arms and I want to turn around her life with me in it and drugs out. But what worries me most is that she tells me that drugs kind of control her life, she also cuts her legs so I cannot see the marks on her wrist and she faces harsh depression and I can see it in her eyes. Should I be the one to help her, she told me I do and I can see improvements, but will it be in the end that I am the one hurting inside because I find out the truths? She has asked for help and her mother does not believe her and will not face the facts. Should I be the one that talks to her mother since she does not believe her own daughter? Because her mother says she does not need help my girlfriend denies and says she doesn't need the help but realistically she does.
    When I am around her it feels like she will not go and is permanently with me. But she gets text and turns her phone away from me so that I cannot see, I am not the one to read over someone's shoulder but it seems that it is suspicious that she hides, feels almost like she is texting her old boyfriend that she admitted her love to but hated to be with him and she desperately wants to be with me. But the times we are not together, who is she with, where is she. To me I feel I always need to be talking to her because if not I would get jealous and insecurity. Feels as if our communication with one another is weak and there are hidden, untold secrets.
    We have not had sex but have been sexually active doing different things. I want sex and it seems like that is why I am getting the insecurity and jealousy, it just seems that could be a possibility. We have only been together for a month and a week but is it just my images that bother me? All I want from her is the truth. We did split up a couple of days because of the rumors and I felt like I was going through hell. I do not want to be obsessed but it may it, or I'm just scared waking up every day not knowing what could happen.
    *note we are still young and in our last year of high school
    GuardSquealer responded:
    In my opinion you need to forget about her. Your not going to be happy with her if she is going to act this way. And she doesn't sound like she will be changing anytime soon.
    Luca_Brasi replied to GuardSquealer's response:

    Move on , and now ! You are in high school for crying out loud, and you sound WAY more mature then her.
    It also sounds like she may have some home issues as well ?

    Better to let go pal.
    BalconyBelle responded:
    You're already feeling this bad after 5 weeks? Move on. Seriously.

    She's obviously got a self-destructive streak a mile wide, and trying to save her from it is a losing battle if every time she's out of your sight she's throwing herself into drugs, booze, and other guys.

    Your best option is to cut ties & get away from her. Trying to help her is only going to drag you down into the same mess she's in. While you may not do drugs or drink, you'll still be exposed to those situations, you'll still be stuck with someone who prefers to be trashed to actually having a life, you'll still have to deal with her mess, and you'll still have the drama. It's a lose-lose situation, so get out of it as soon as you can.
    cjh1203 responded:
    I agree with everyone else. You can't fix this girl, and it doesn't really sound like she wants to be fixed. It also doesn't sound like she wants you as her boyfriend -- maybe one of her boyfriends, but not the one.

    If you continue to try to build a relationship with her, you will go through hell, and still not end up with her. She is mentally unstable, addicted to drugs and addicted to the attention (if not more) of other men. You will never be able to have a relationship with her.

    You're so young -- please don't waste your time on someone who is only going to make your life more miserable than she already has. There's no future with her.
    ImMe26 replied to cjh1203's response:
    I agree and dont have alot more to offer that hasnt already been said...

    But PLEASE DONT let this girl drag you down! You sound way to mature for this type of woman. These things are only going to get worse the more freedom she recvs...which is going to happen when highschool is over. I seen no relationship. I see you chasing a girl who doesnt want to be caught, period. Move on.
    Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
    ImMe26 replied to ImMe26's response:
    I meant girl ,where is says "woman"...obvious mistake..
    Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
    MrSnowy responded:
    Keep her on the side but DO NOT MAKE HER YOUR MAIN GIRL.
    cjh1203 responded:
    Don't keep her on the side -- don't keep her at all. She's only going to torment you and break your heart. Find someone who is happy to be with you and, and who doesn't have so much baggage.
    beetle_juice replied to cjh1203's response:
    I would keep her. Sounds just like the kind a chick to keep life exciting at the clubs..that is when your old enough dude.
    3point14 responded:
    Gee, a high school aged girl who likes attention and partying? Yeah. To me, that kind of behavior is way more typical than a girl who's going to settle down, start knitting sweaters, and change herself for one guy that she's just getting to know.

    Let's be real here, it's your last year of high school. Even if you two were an awesome match, you'd be having a huge uphill battle once you both got into the college swing of things, workforce stuff, or whatever. You're right now in a little high school universe where all her exes are more likely to be around, breaking up over rumors makes sense, and you're all discovering who you are.

    You personally, are discovering that you're a really stable, straight guy who doesn't want to party, doesn't want to self-destruct and has high standards of behavior. Your girlfriend is more into "WOOHOO LOOKIE MEEE!". Maybe in five years she'll settle down and be a better match for you, but c'mahn. You're too young to be putting five years of misery into anything, besides college!

    You deserve someone who will cherish you and make you feel so secure and wanted. I say bail on this girl not because she's a party girl, but because she's insensitive to your wants and desires. You'll find someone with all of her good qualities (tellingly, I can't give you examples because you didn't mention any real good qualities), with less bad, deal-breaker ones. DIY repair jobs are fun only with houses and cars, not chicks.

    Don't forget to analyze what made you (sane, stable and sober) try to make a relationship with her (attention-seeking, self-destructive) and try to fix that impulse within yourself.

    Good luck!
    An_229187 replied to 3point14's response:
    IMHO, great reply 3Point.

    I'll add a touch more.

    People can't be fixed, they eventually may decide to change. Nothing personal, its just you are attempting the impossible. Bright accomplished men and women try this on flawed but attractive people on a regular basis. The vase is not the soil that grows the plant. And the soil is locked inside.
    My twin first married a social worker who thought she could fix him; that did not last long. Two years ago, he married a former social worker who seems to think going with the flow is about as good as it is going to get.

    To be true to yourself, seek someone interested in a similar kind of ride you will have through this life.

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