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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
My Husband is a Muscle Worshiper
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AutumnElectric posted:
Hello all,

This is the first time I've posted on a forum about my relationship so please bear with me. I've been with my husband for five years, and have known from early on in the relationship that he finds muscular women attractive. Not just fit or toned women, but the bronzed body-builders that you'd see on American Gladiators. He is very open about his attractions and spends a good portion of his time collecting videos and pictures of buff women posing and attends conventions dedicated to female muscle building and fitness. It has caused me some emotional turmoil in the past, but we love each other deeply and, because this is something he can't change even if he wanted to, all of our squabbles end with me "dealing with it."
But, try as I might, I can't seem to be completely OK with his behavior. He spends hours talking to men and women online about his and their sexual attractions/desires, trading or buying pictures and videos (most of them pornographic), and even blogs about his favorite muscular women.
He was so ashamed of his feelings when we first met that he was afraid to tell even me, but my support has drawn him out of his shell. He's still very sensitive about it though, which makes it difficult to talk about, especially since he knows I'm not completely on board with it.
We've tried leaving fantasizing out of the bedroom and restricting his internet trolling to when I'm at work, I've even tried working out to keep him happy but it's almost like he NEEDS to be surrounded by these pictures/videos/people who share his interests.

I just can't help but feel insecure and sometimes jealous of these women that he gawks over and the people he talks to about them online. I've talked to him about it many times but being a guy, he can't understand why I'm so bothered by it. Is there anything I can do to help myself feel better about this? I don't want to hurt or offend him, and I certainly don't want our relationship to end, but I'm not happy with the way things are. Please help!
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GuardSquealer responded:
I can understand why it would bother you. Basically it seems he is telling you that he is really sexually attracted to extremely muscular women, and I am guessing you do not fall into that catagory.

Personally I find asian women very attractive. But I don't go telling my wife about it. And I don't let her know if I am looking at them online. I am sure she would feel bad, and insecure knowing that I found something that she was not, more attractive.

Really at this point it seems you are probably going to have to go to counseling to help resolve the issue. He is going to need some help dealing with his fetish and he needs to learn some descretion. While it is ok to find them attractive it seems he is going way to far with his desires.

Honestly it would seem to me that the next step for him seems to be actually persuing this type of woman. So he really does need to back off. So unless he gets some help I don't see too much else that can be done for you.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to GuardSquealer's response:
Really at this point it seems you are probably going to have to go to counseling to help resolve the issue. He is going to need some help dealing with his fetish and he needs to learn some descretion. While it is ok to find them attractive it seems he is going way to far with his desires.

Honestly it would seem to me that the next step for him seems to be actually persuing this type of woman. So he really does need to back off. So unless he gets some help I don't see too much else that can be done for you.


That is 100% right on the money.
 
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MrSnowy responded:
"I've talked to him about it many times but being a guy, he can't understand why I'm so bothered by it."

To be honest I am little offended by this comment since I am a guy.

I dont see this as your problem but it is his. He needs to make a choice to be more sensitive to you, to chose you. How did he hide something like this from you before marriage? I wish you the best but I thought I should let you know that men can control their desires and be respectful.

sincere hope for you
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to MrSnowy's response:
  • *clap clap clap**

    Very well said!!
  •  
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    AutumnElectric replied to MrSnowy's response:
    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend! All the guys I know are very open about their porn. They watch it together, critique it, etc. And they are very quick to point out attractive/unattractive qualities in people we know/people we don't know. The guys I know just aren't very empathetic. I don't think they mean to hurt people, they just don't realize what they're doing.
    I shouldn't have made the generalization to include ALL guys, and I apologize.
     
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    luvmy2babiesmuch replied to AutumnElectric's response:
    no wonder your hurt, mad, insecure and jelous,, RIGHTLY SO!! I have never had any sort of situation, but if I were in your shoes, no matter what, I would give him an ultimatum. He either goes into counseling, or he stops this cold turkey, or I leave. He can stop his behavior, IF he really wants to!! We all have favorite things, like, i like hairy, big men, with nice trimmed beards- BUT i don't have posters in my house, on my cell phone, etc.. I like pasta, but I don't eat it every single night, or subject my family to do and eat and see only what I like. we all have issues, but you don't push them down someone elses throat, and make them miserable b/c of your addictions, etc. and above all, we don't tell our spouses that "someone" other than them turns us on. I would literally kick my husbands butt if he told me that he only gets turned on by brunetts/Asians/ etc women. I am NOT that, so how could he enjoy being w/ me, when i am not his "ideal" women. Your DH has issues, and he would stop that right now, or love or not, he would have to go! I love my DH very much, been together 20 years, BUT he would not make my life miserable, he would not be in my opinion worshiping anyone other than me and our kids. PERIOD! IMP, I think your beingto passive for letting this continue, and just b/c his friends are disrespectful and down right ugly, I wouldn't tolerate it for a single minute!!! JMO
     
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    An_229225 responded:
    Explain to me why you told him that none of this was a problem while you were burning inside? Don't you think that youir feelings count??? WHY the HELL didn't you tell him form the start that this bothered you and that you were not prepared to deal with it??? Why did you accept that he continued? For goodness sake woman, stand up and BE a woman. Tell him that this is going to stop or you are OUR OF THERE. You do NOT have to pander to his fetishes. He wants the unreal. You live in the real. He needs to understand that his fantasy just aint gonna happen. If he wants a normal life then he gotta wake up and get back into the real world.

    Go out there and kick ass ... or contact a lawyer about your divorce. DO NOT WASTE any more time on this loser. He either gets his ass into gear or he gets divorced and gets to keep his playboy mags ... How pathetic is that?
     
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    3point14 responded:
    While he is being incredibly disrespectful and showing signs of real sex addiction, having it make up such a huge portion of his life, I do just want to say one thing.

    Having a fetish that is borderline unable to be realized is incredibly frustrating. Add to that that he felt much shame before sharing it with you, he could be merely (in a dumb, selfish, inconsiderate way) be going overboard because he doesn't understand to what extent it's bothering you. It could be that, because he feels awkward about it and you're a merciful person not to harp on it (though you'd be within your rights) he could simply not get how bad it hurts your feelings. He was probably so ecstatic when you were accepting of the fetish that he had so deeply internalized, that he might not even be truly realizing how obnoxious he's being about it.

    Have you been alright with any of this behavior? I hate to say it, but in my somewhat extensive behavior dealing with weird fetishes, sometimes the best way is to immerse yourself in it, only a little and only as an observer. Learn some of the lingo, be open to discussing it in his drooly, wild-eyed way, and maybe try to understand it a little. I understand how frustrating that sounds, but maybe understanding WHY he has this fetish will help you. Also, if you treat it as part of your relationship, it will show to him how lucky he is to have someone so accepting. He already is that lucky, but he needs to appreciate it more, and you taking a more active role might help that.

    In terms of the contacting other people, the blogging, the pictures, explain to him that it's not the CONTENT--not his fetish-- that's bothering you, but that it's the extent to which he's taking it. If it was any kind of pornography, it would be the same issue. You feel insecure because he's holding you to a standard you can't compete with. Explain to him that you accept him, accept his fetish, but cannot accept playing sexual second fiddle to ANYTHING. Set clear limits that allow him to indulge in his fetish, but can still uphold the sanctity of the two of you.

    And, if it's any comfort (which I hope it is, you sound like a wonderfully accepting person) people with huge fetishes like that, on some level, usually realize how unlikely they are. They don't see being with someone who does not fit their fetish as "settling", if that makes any sense. All porn is fantasy, most fetishes are fantasy. While the way he is expressing it is totally unfair to the woman you are, and while it is insensitive to you sexually, it's probably also nothing really "personal" if that makes any sense. I wish you only the absolute best of luck.
     
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    AutumnElectric replied to 3point14's response:
    Thank you so much. You pinpointed us exactly.

    I've tried some of the things you mentioned (immersion, observations, participation and the like) and I think it's more him overstepping his bounds so to speak and becoming a little too forthcoming with it all. I think I just have to bring some of his disrespectful behaviors as well as some of my feelings to light because he's probably not even completely aware they exist.

    Again, thank you for your wonderful reply. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
     
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    GuardSquealer replied to AutumnElectric's response:
    I think it is also a matter of respect. He needs to have some respect for you as his wife. I used to go to strip clubs a lot when my father lived nearby. That was his fun and I wanted to have fun with him. I didn't realize how bad it made my wife feel when I would talk about the dancers or how hot I thought they were.

    She finally brought it to my attention after years of me making her feel bad about herself. And I quit going to them as much, and if I do go I am very careful about what I say in front of her or about the dancers.

    I actually realized how much damage I had done to her self-esteem and wrote her a long letter apologizing for my behavior. And I let her know how much I loved her.

    So I think if you explain to him how much it hurts you and how he needs to have some boundries, if he loves you he should realize how good you have been. And love you more and respect you more than ever before.
     
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    3point14 replied to AutumnElectric's response:
    Yeah, like I said, that kind of just...inconsiderate, but rejoice-ful overdoing is really common in people expressing their fetishes for the first time.

    He's lucky to have you, and you deserve to feel appreciated. I hope you can both come to a happy medium.


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