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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
How can I turn on my wife?
mortboy01 posted:
I'm not what you would call a creative man when it comes to my love life. My wife and I will be married for four years this year and our sex life has really gone down hill the past couple of years. We have a 19mth old daughter and one child on the way. I know kids can affect sexual relations but whenever I ask for sex she usally shoots me down.She says it's not me it's her but I don't believe that completely. Sex is a two way street. The blame should fall on both of us.
That being said I wish I could think of better ways to turn her on. I can never think of any creative ways to ask for sex. Most of the time I request her sexual company by pressing my erection against her, touching her breasts, or kissing the back of her neck. Sometimes a soft whisper of 'I want you' comes into play.
Most of these attempts fail. If they don't fail I feel like she's just giving into me and not really 100% on my page of sexual desire. I'd really like it if she would actually attempt to instigate more often. I feel like I'm the one begging for it 9.5 out of 10 times.
Does anyone have any suggestions on this topic. This is my first posting so forgive the scatterbrain outlay of my thoughts.
BalconyBelle responded:
Do you touch your wife without asking her for sex--or without that being the end goal? Do you hug her, caress her, massage her--kiss her lips, her cheeks? Saying "I love you", or "I love the way you ----", can also help. Spontaneous gestures of affection usually go over very well--they help a woman feel cherished and loved...and may help her be more affectionate in return.

If your wife is under the impression that you don't want to touch her unless it's to have sex...that alone can impair her drive. Women want to feel wanted and adored for more than just what's between their legs. Foreplay is really important--pressing your erection against her or going straight for her breasts may be fast forwarding events a little more than your wife might like. Try kissing her, massaging her, and getting her warmed up before moving forward. Ask her what her favorite thing to do is, what her favorite thing for you to do is...take your time.

The are tons of resources out there for erogenous zones, romantic gestures, could even take a nice long shower together or bath together and enjoy the hot water pouring over you while you enjoy each other. If your wife is open to spicing up your love life, there are lots of resources for toys & different positions to use ( and the kama sutra are good ones), but if she says no, don't press the matter.

I wish you both the best of luck.
An_229227 responded:
Hi, first, I would like to say, good for you for wanting to work on your relationship and seeking help on it. This is a great start.

I was on the other side of your situation. My husband and I don't have kids, however, I was ill and that sort of put us in a situation that is very similar to yours.

What I am about to say is from my experience and hope this will help you some how.

I totally agree with BalconyBelle's post. Pick a time that when your 19 month old baby is asleep. Perhaps, sit your wife down, massage her (of course, first find out what type of touch is ok for pregnancy). Although, I never gone through a pregnancy but I have many friends and families who did so I know that it is a tough job. Perhaps help her with the tough time of the pregnancy, make her feel that you are there with her. Connect with her also on the emotional level. Maybe some people will disagree with me but being emotionally connected to your other half and feel appreciated and loved will go a long way for a woman to open to wanting sex and enjoy one.

At times, my husband would show me how much he wants me... I am sure in his mind, he is being playful and showing me that he loves me. However, the times when I don't feel well or in pain, all I can think of is ..." I am in pain (and he knows it because I expressed that I don't feel well) and all he can think of is "sex".

Now looking back, since I am not in such a painful state. I know that he didn't know what else to do and he was trying to get my mind off of my pain but when I was bothered with pain, I couldn't see clear of his "good intention".

As BalconyBelle said, be patient, I know it's hard. You want to see result soon. It might take a few tries for her to realize the change, then she might be slowing turning around to having and enjoy sex.

Again, compliments to you on seeking help. Best of luck to you too. Feel free to ask more question if you have them.

This is my first posting as well, so if I had said something offensive to some, my apologizes.

Wishing everyone a great day!
stephs_3_kidz responded:
Have you talked to her about this?? Is she experiencing morning sickness?

I'll be the first to tell you, pregnancy does some weird things to your sex drive. There were times I couldn't get enough, and times I just didn't even want to be touched. And it was NOTHING against my husband, it was all about my hormonal state. lol

Instead of just pressing yourself against her or touching her sexually, I suggest telling her exactly what you want to do with her. Tell her you love her, tell her that you desire her.

Also, I think it's a bad idea to assume that she doesn't want to have sex with you. It sounds like you have convinced yourself that is the case but it might not necessarily be so. You need to have a heart-to-heart with her and hash it out and not make assumptions.

And yes, kids can put a damper on your sex life but you have to make an effort. I've been married 14 years and we have 4 children, 9 and under, and it takes some effort but you have to be creative and take advantage of any free time you can squeeze in.
mortboy01 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Thank you all for your input.
My wife and I are very open about this subject. It's been discussed several times and she's told me it's not that she doesn't find my attractive. That is something that I have to keep on telling myself but I do believe 100%.
I massage her almost every night. Mostly foot rubs but hey, that counts for something. I scratch her back and usually massage before or after.
All of your advice is appreciated but they all seem repitive of things I've already read.
Thank you.
Any more advice out there?
darlyn05 responded:
It's been so many yrs since I was pregnant that I don't have any suggestions to give you. I know when my DD is pregnant she doesn't want to be touched in a sexual sense at all. So again, no helpful suggestions.
stephs_3_kidz replied to mortboy01's response:
You didn't say if she's like that when she is not pregnant. If you did I must've missed it, so I apologize if I did.

Have you ever considered marriage counseling? Even if there aren't other pressing issues in your marriage, the sex thing IS a big issue and often brings on other problems, so it's a good idea to nip it in the bud before it escalates.

If the problem is that she does find you attractive but just isn't in the mood for sex or not as into it as you are, then there might be a problem with her libido. She could even have a hormonal problem, that drs can fix! So it's worth looking into. I hope this helps, and I realize we might all sound like a broken record but we are just trying to help.
mortboy01 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
She's had the lack of sexual desire for a couple years now (when not prego and when prego.) I failed to mention that.

Marriage counseling is almost a four letter word to me. I feel like she and I are so open in our relationship that we'd be almost waisting our money. Maybe an outside view of our relationship would help. Thank you for the suggestion but that action is way down on the list.

She feels like it might be her libido and she's talked to her doctor about it. I don't know what they discussed as far as medication but one suggestion the docotor gave to her was to just try having sex and more of it. He thought maybe it was just a lack of consistency perhaps.

We had sex the other night. We actually had the familar discussion we've had several times before hand. I asked her if I could do anything different, touch her, massage her, do something better, etc. but she gave the same answers. 'I can't think of anything.' 'You're doing everything fine.' Then I said that I would really like to make love to her and things happened. Not our best time but I'll take what I can get.

I truly love her and hope we find something that works.
Thank you all for your input.
cjh1203 replied to mortboy01's response:
This is just a comment regarding marriage counseling.

You may feel that you're very open with each other, but that doesn't mean that she may not be holding back some things that she doesn't want to talk about -- or doesn't feel comfortable talking about -- for whatever reason. Sometimes, we keep things in because we're afraid of hurting our partners' feelings, or because we're too embarrassed, or something is too painful to bring up. It could also be that you both have issues that you're not even aware of.

When my husband and I went to marriage counseling, we learned a lot about each other, but also quite a bit about ourselves -- things we hadn't recognized before. Sometimes, it takes someone who knows what questions to ask to bring things out that may be buried.
naggingwife74 responded:
I will tell you from experience, when my ex husband would come up and grope my breasts or rub himself on me I would get very turned off. That would pretty much any sex life for the rest of the day.

To me, and perhaps your wife, there is nothing attractive about someone rubbing themselves on you when you are not primed for sex.

You have said a few times now that no ideas given are good and you have heard them all so I will not try to give advice. I just wanted to give you advice about something you may want to stop doing.
cjh1203 replied to naggingwife74's response:
I agree with nagging 100%. I think that probably most women find it a real turn-off to have a man just start groping or rubbing up against them.
a_pugs_person replied to mortboy01's response:
Hmmmmm - I'm going to go out on a limb here, possibly. She tells you she can't think of anything you could or should be doing differently and that you're doing everything fine.

How much sexual experience do either of you have?

My ex was my first (and I was his) and, although I wasn't swept away by the sex, I couldn't tell him anything to do differently because I didn't know any different. Does that make sense?

Perhaps things aren't working for your wife for whatever reason, but she just doesn't know what might work and so can't give you any pointers.

I don't know what either of you are comfortable with, but perhaps you could start by trying to learn more or different techniques. For foreplay and for sex. If the two of you are as open as you say, maybe you can ask her to tell you what she likes and doesn't like, either while it's happening or in a discussion before or after.

I would have had a hard time having that conversation, but a lot of couples are more open than we were.

Toys and watching porn together are often thrown out as options as well. But all that depends on what you are comfortable with as a couple. And building up to things there is hesitation about rather than just jumping right in.

You also say you don't think counseling would work. But do you have any idea of your wife's feelings toward this? Maybe it's something she needs to look into as an individual. If you think it's a waste going in, you might not be very receptive to it. But being able to get out all her female, and pregnant, and general fears and frustrations and emotions might be good for her.

Good Luck!!
Marianneme replied to a_pugs_person's response:
Problem here is, and no one has the guts to tell you!

Your wife has serious issues! She married you gave her world to be there for you! Unless it is a illness situation all other exscusses are equal =crap!

I can understand time to time not being in the mood but as an ongoing thing she is very selfish and has issues. Next stop should be the divorce court. A man can not function with a woman that would destry the dynamics of a family by being sexually lazy or sefish. I can bet she is an American woman.
Spankyrae responded:
I agree with the couple other posters who suggested you guys connect more with each other and how that can be foreplay. I consider intimacy to be more than just sex. Are you guys sharing other things together? Do you do anything romantic aside from the ideas listed on this board, like dates or other sharing experiences? For me, going out together, him planning trips, us having debates even on philosophical/hypothetical topics gets me aroused even more. When we go out for the night, I love to be able to come home and have sex. It just makes the date even sweeter.

I also wanted to point out that even though you guys communicate with each other a lot, it doesn't necessarily mean you guys are doing it well, and this is where counseling could benefit you. I don't understand why there's such am emotional resistance against counseling. What have you got to lose?

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