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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
A question for those who have been cheated on
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butterfly19790424 posted:
When you see your ex and the person they cheated on you with is it a slap in the face? How does it make you feel when you see them together?
A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked
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Contemplating19 responded:
I guess it depends on how you personally feel about your ex.
Daughters, lock up your mothers! I'm single again!
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to Contemplating19's response:
I guess you are right.

Maybe if someone would settle down and leave me alone unless it deals with a child, then it might feel normal.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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cjh1203 replied to butterfly19790424's response:
I'm sort of surprised this still bothers you. If I were you, when I see them together, I'd just be thinking that they deserve each other and how glad I was that I'd gotten away from him.

What's he doing?
 
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Foreverinyoureyes2 responded:
I am sorry this is tough for you B-fly.

I was cheated on, many times by my exhusband, and he was such a bad husband, and I was SO ready to be away from him, that after we broke up, I was relieved when he got a new girlfriend. When I saw them together I was like, " WHEW, he is her problem now!" Plus he picked at me a lot less when he was in a relationship, so again, I was happy and peaceful when he was with someone.

(And yes, he was already involved with the woman he ended up with right after me, while we were married.)

My situation is slightly different than yours because he picked quality women that I eventually grew to like, so I felt very sorry for these women, that were a lot like me.

Wish I could offer more in the way of advice. All I can say is that I am sure it's a process and you will heal and accept in your own time. Allow yourself to think what you think and feel what you feel.
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to cjh1203's response:
The list could go on forever:

Im being accused of teaching Kara to say she doesn't like his fiance'. Kara is smart and only goes to and talks to people she likes. I am not teaching her anything. Kara told her to "get away I don't like you". That automatically means I taught her that.

Im still being accused of cheating on him and getting pregnant with Kara because she looks nothing like him. I cant help my family side has strong genes. He wont get a test because he is afraid that Kara isnt is. I guess that part goes with the cheater feeling guilty and pushing the blame on someone else.

Our joint savings account was closed but because he can still log into the website he feels I am lying and wants to know why I left it open (btw, the balance is 0.00)

They both think enough time has passed where I need to be friends with her. I can be friendly and smile when needed. But I dont think I need to be friends with her.

Im just having one of those days because he tried to pick a fight. I was good and just listened without retailiating.

FYE: Thanks!
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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cjh1203 replied to butterfly19790424's response:
That does sound really frustrating. Would it be possible to go to a mediator and discuss all this so you don't have to keep defending yourself to your ex?

For instance, have the mediator tell him to either take a paternity test or stop making accusations about someone else being the father. Maybe you could go through the things he keeps bringing up one by one, answer them in front of the mediator, and make him agree not to bring them up any more. I would include in that the idea that you should be friends with his fiance. Tell him in mediation that you will be civil but you are an adult who can choose her own friends, and he does not get to do that for you.

Or, maybe when he starts bringing up things that do not directly involve Kara, you could keep giving him the same response over and over, like "I'm not going to discuss this" and hang up or walk away if you need to. If he hears it enough times, maybe he'll get the message. There's no reason you should have to hear him make the same accusations and complaints over and over.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to butterfly19790424's response:
B-fly, I'm sorry you're having to do with this. He's a world class loser and I agree with what cjh said..when you see them together, just thank God he is no longer yours to put up with.

Although ironically, he seems heck-bent on making your life miserable, why he feels the constant need to aggravate you and hurt you is beyond me.

((HUGS))
 
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kristinmarie722 responded:
Your ex is a freakin d bag. Really. Reading your post annoyed me to know end. My ex is the same way.

I wouldnt be bothered by them being together. They deserve each other. It's not like you want him. And he cheated on you, likely he will cheat on her. She didnt win some prize either. He is a LIAR and CHEATER. She did you a favor by taking him.

As far as his acusations- a mediator would be a good idea. Really he is trying to ruffles your feathers because he is miserable in his own life. Happy people do not start trouble for no reason. Tell him to make up his mind. Is your DD his or not? Tell him to quit flip flopping. Tell him to grow up, quit harrassing you and quit being a jerk. He has obviously moved on with his life, so why does he need to pick at you?

I think just laying it all out on the table, addressing the issues and then telling him to move on.

Sorry if I sound bitter- but this type of behavior just really annoys me. My ex does the same thing to me and it drives me crazy!

(((HUGS)))
 
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3point14 responded:
(hugs)

In general, it reminds me of why I'm over my ex. He's tried to mend fences since our break-up, but whenever I debate talking to him, I picture them together. It's unhealthy, but that little feeling of abandoned-ness and ugliness helps me to stay away from and not forgive him.

Butterfly, you know he's just a sick person deep down. I agree with the encouragement to seek a mediator, and to hang up on the jerkface. He's getting less and less secure with his role in your life, so he's going to try harder and harder to manipulate him. It can definitely be frustrating, but you're doing the right thing by not verbally attacking back. It's a pattern that's not going to make your life any happier.
 
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3point14 replied to 3point14's response:
  • **manipulate you
    i can't type today, sorry.
  •  
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    An_229240 responded:
    I guess it would depend upon how happy they are together.
     
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    tlkittycat1968 replied to An_229240's response:
    But you can't tell how happy a couple is or isn't just by looking at them. Look at all the Hollywood romances/marriages that died much to the shock of everyone. I thought a friend of mine was happy with her now ex but she hadn't been happy for a number of years.
     
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    Spankyrae responded:
    I would say typically, how you feel seeing them has to do with your level of closure over things. But even if you're glad not to be together anymore, sometimes our old baggage comes up out of the blue.... and not necessarily for the reason we think (jealousy). There's nothing wrong with you feeling put off by it. What matters is how you react to that feeling. Just let it roll off you and continue moving on.
    http://www.AConleyCreation.com/ http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com


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