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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I've been dating my boyfriend for three years and about a year into our relationship, I had found out that he hoards pictures and videos of muscular women. I kept it inside me for a long time, but it wasn't great for our relationship because I would become insecure and pick fights with him about little things when this was the thing that was really bothering me.
At first, he told me to just "deal with it" and that he likes "fit" women. I thought I could just accept this about his and deal with it, but I keep having these horrible nightmares that he's going to leave me for a girl with a better body. And he always makes comments about girls that have "fit" bodies or that he thinks are "hot" and it really hurts my feelings. Most of the time, he thinks it's my problem for being overly sensitive because "he thought we could say these things to each other."
Anyway, I know it's not normal that he could have hundreds and thousands of pictures of fit to super muscular/bodybuilding type of women, not to mention videos. I don't collect pictures or videos of ANYTHING! Well, except pictures that I take.
Most of all, this has really affected our sex life. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do, I can't help wonder if he's thinking about other women and getting turned on by them while we're having sex. A couple of months ago, I broke down about this issue again and asked him outright if he was attracted to me. And he said "Well you know what I'm attracted to." He claims that he cares about me more than anything, but this is eating me up inside. My ideal body type is more like Ashley Greene and nothing at all like body builders.
Other than this issue, everything else about him is great. He makes me laugh, he's smart, we can talk about anything, my family loves him, he's mature and responsible, and most of the time, I feel like he challenges me to be a better person. If it weren't for this one thing, I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But I guess this one thing is a pretty big deal.
The collection of pictures and videos aside, he's being extremely insensitive toward you, and not very respectful of your feelings. When you tell him how much this bothers you, telling you to "deal with it" is trivializing something that is very troubling to you and affects your feelings about him and your relationship.
When he makes comments about how hot other girls are, that shows a total lack of respect for you, and to justify insulting you by saying he thought you could talk about things like that is just bs. Telling you some other girl is hot isn't talking about anything -- it's making a completely thoughtless and hurtful remark to someone he is supposed to love.
It sounds like he isn't making the slightest effort to reassure you or to make you feel that he is attracted to you. And he just doesn't seem to get why this is such a big problem, not just for you, but in your relationship.
Have you ever asked him if he would be bothered by your telling him how hot other men are, and that he doesn't fit your idea of hot, but you care about him even if you aren't attracted to him?
It sounds like you've talked to him and not gotten anywhere. Have you considered couple's counseling? I would find his treatment of you in this regard to be unacceptable, unless he's willing to do something to change it.
OK, I have no idea who Ashley Greene is, but I google imaged her, and she has a gorgeous body. (I am a man, BTW.)
Are you saying that you have a body like that? If so, he should be on his knees thanking God every day, not complaining.
But, seriously, it doesn't matter what your body looks like, he is treating you very poorly, as cjh1203 said. It's normal to have certain preferences or "hangups" about body types that one is attracted to, but it is not normal to rub your SO's face in it like that.
Thanks for your Reply!
Agree with PPs about his behavior.
Also, you can be fit without being all sinews, stretched skin and fake tan. You can be fit and still have curves (think of swimmers, for instance). You can be fit and still be feminine. You can be fit without looking like a guy.
Did you post here a while back with the same issue?
And you are correct, it IS a big deal. He has no right to rub it in your face.
You have to look at the big picture here. It's not about how you're feeling now, in the moment. You love him, you could see yourself being with him EXCEPT for This One Thing...
Let me tell you. If you marry him, This One Thing will not go away, and you will have secured for yourself a lifetime of not feeling good enough.
No. You have a right to feel accepted, wanted, and needed by the person you love. He's not willing to change, so you're going to have to. No matter how much you love him it will never be enough if you are not WHAT he wants in a woman. You are the complete opposite of what his ideal woman is, and you shouldn't have to try to convince him that you are good enough.
And it doesn't matter how funny he is, if your family loves him, etc..if you can't deal with this (and I don't see how you could, I sure couldn't) then it can be a dealbreaker for you. You are NOT obligated to put up with that.
The ball's in your court.
Thanks for your Reply!
No offence intended but why do you allow him to demean you like this? Have you no self respect? He is treating you like a piece of meat and you are looking for ways to persuade him to accept you as you are? Seriously? Look at the situation face on. He wants body builders. That in iteslf is not a problem. Fantasies are supposed to be impossible. However, he thinks his fantasies can become real ...
He can not understand that we are not all genetically programmed to conform with what he sees as his ideal. So either he accepts that women in the real world are not bodybuilders and pumped full of protein and hormones (how natural is that?) or he jumps on the miss universe bandwagon. How likely is he to conform to what those women seek in a man?
He's living in a fantasy world. Don't let yourself be dragged down by it. Please don't waste your time trying to be what he desires because if he doesn't love you as you are, he doesn't love you. Honestly, he's way too much in love with himself and his dreams ...
For the sake of your sanity move on... find a man who loves women and not just pictures.
To the person that asked, this is the first time I'm posting about this problem.
I had a long talk with the bf and he felt really horrible. He said that he understands how hard this is for me and he was surprised I didn't break up with him when I found out. And he said he was willing to do anything to make me feel better.
He has never asked me to change nor does he want me to look like those women. He's just physically attracted to them. He says he wishes he wasn't, because it's a huge thing he's kept from his friends/family. He would never date a girl that looked like them.
Anyway, I asked him to delete his entire collection of this stuff and if he absolutely has to look, he can browse the internet without saving the images or videos. I imagine it's like porn, only less socially acceptable, so it would be unrealistic for me to ask him to quit cold turkey.
Thanks everyone for the insight, except Anon_475, who provided a really poor analysis of the situation.
There was another post a while back titled something like "My BF is a muscle worshiper" from a member called AutumnElectric. You may find more helpful insight reading those replies since it's pretty much the same scenerio as what you are experiencing. GL
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