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Husband watching porn at night
An_229291 posted:
Hi, I have been with my husband since 2002, recently I wanted to see what he does online and I saw he watches porn every night after I go to sleep, two nights in a row we had sex so I thought maybe he won't go to see these sites but he still goes, I afraid to talk about this with him cause he will say i spied on him so i don't know what to do, yesterday after we had sex, he said "2 nights in a row", i said " yes so you don't go to watch porn online" and he said " if he did watch porn he wouldn't have to have sex" so he is in complete denil, this morning i checked his computer and i saw he watched porn last night again after i went to sleep, i don't know what to do and i am so so sad about this, it is killing me.

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stephs_3_kidz responded:
Whether he gets mad or not is beside the point. If it's upsetting to you, then you have to talk to him about it. You've been together 9 years and you can't talk about this?

I'm not sure how seeing on the computer that he's been viewing porn is spying. If it's there, it's there.
An_229292 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
you are right, it is killing me inside, the thing is that we had so many fights that I am afraid that will be another one, i was looking at his security program tonight and I saw the site so I am afraid it may be more than watching porn, tomorrow i am installing a keylogger on his computer cause it is not clear all of this, thx for the reply:))) thx a lot!!
cjh1203 replied to An_229292's response:
Installing a keylogger is only going to make things worse. How are you going to explain that to him when he finds out? If he isn't doing anything wrong and he finds out about the keylogger, he will never trust you again and it could end your marriage -- I don't think that's something I could forgive.

If you find that he is doing something wrong, you're still going to have to explain how you found out.

No matter what, the result is the same -- you will have done a lot of damage to your relationship.

Before you let this get out of control, just confront it. The adult way to handle this is to tell him what you found and discuss it with him, without yelling or making accusations. Don't let it turn into a fight because that's not going to accomplish anything.

Obviously, you know he's been watching porn. In itself, that's something the two of you have to discuss and decide if you can make a compromise about it. Porn is an emotional issue for most women, but men don't attach any emotion to it at all. If he's watching it every night, though, that's probably too much. Is it something you could live with if he only did it occasionally, and if it doesn't interfere with your sex life (it doesn't sound like it is now)?

Don't escalate this into more than it already is. You know he's watching porn every night, and you have evidence that he's visited What else do you need to know? Talk to him, calmly, without letting your emotions take over, find out what's going on, and decide how to deal with it. You may decide you can't live with any of it, you may decide to try marriage counseling -- just bring it out in the open and go from there.
GuardSquealer replied to An_229292's response:
I personally don't think that you should place a keylogger on the computer.

My wife and I went through a similar issue several years ago. I have done a few things in the past to cause her to doubt my intentions. One of which was viewing porn. I also like to occasionally look at sites like match dot com and some others. But just because I look doesn't mean I had any intentions of doing anything. I just find the ads interesting and and I am curious about who is looking. Before such websites I liked reading personal ads in the paper. I never answered any and never had any intentions of doing so.

I would bring up the matter with him before doing anymore investigating into his activities on the internet. If you don't discuss it first it will lead to a fight, that I can assure you. Discuss it and see if you can't come to some sort of an agreement first. He will find it embrassing and will probably feel threatened if you do anything else before trying to talk to him about it.

I have visited sites that I wouldn't want everyone to know I had. And when my wife looked at the history on my computer and confronted me about it, it almost ended our relationship. What she felt about me doing it and how I felt about it were completely different. And after me sleeping in the basement for a few weeks we finally came to an understanding and agreement and have gotten along fine since.
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I don't think a keylogger is a good idea, either. Open, honest communication is the way to go.

Sometimes in life you have to discuss painful, embarrassing, or touchy situations. It's part of life, we're all faced with it at some time or another.

My husband used to have quite the porn collection, unbeknownst to me...until I found it hidden in a locked suitcase while doing spring cleaning. There was a huge blowup, I almost divorced him over it.

The best advice I can give you is, even if he promises to stop, give him time. It took my husband about 6 years to fully kick his habit. I couldn't have waited a month longer, either. But be patient. People get addicted to all kinds of different things, and like any addiction it can't be kicked overnight. If it's a huge deal for you, then that's fine. You are certainly allowed to feel and express your emotions. To some people (me included) porn use in a marriage is unacceptable. That is an individual thing and you are the only one who can say whether or not you can live with it if he doesn't change.

Best of luck to you.
An_229293 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
Great advice.
sandyloulou replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
yes you are right, i do not tolerate that either, i tried all morning to install a key logger but i was not able to, not sure why so i decided to give up, last night i slept on the couch until he went to sleep because i didn't want him to go see these sites, i am doing same tonight, staying up and watch, i cannot help myself by looking at his web history, this morning he caught me on his computer when i was trying to install the key logger and i found an excuse but i know now that he knows that i know something is up, so i hope he will stop that stuff he does. thanks a lot for your replies to all of you.
sandyloulou replied to GuardSquealer's response:
replied but message got deleted, all morning i tried to install a key logger but was not able to, he caught me on his computer so i found an excuse but i know that he knows that i know something is up so he is carreful now, last night i slept on the couch til he went to sleep, he asked why i don't go to bed, we don't sleep in same bedroom since 2005 cause i snored and so that doesn't help so since last night i go to sleep in his bed, i don't care if i snore or else, i am doing same today, waiting on the couch that he goes to bed, i don't know how to talk about this with him really, cause it will be another fight as you all say. thanks a lot for the replies:)
stephs_3_kidz replied to sandyloulou's response:
You're sleeping on the couch to keep him from viewing porn?

I'm going to state the obvious here--it might be a temporary deterrent but it doesn't fix the problem. Playing watchdog will only cause more issues.

Why can't you talk to him about this?

And it has to be said: You are angry with him about sneaking and watching porn, yet you are sneaking and trying to catch him up in it. You ALREADY know he's been viewing it. So TALK to him about it!!!
3point14 responded:
Just curious, why does this bother you so much?

Would it bother you as much if he was just masturbating?
cjh1203 replied to sandyloulou's response:
You're acting like a child!

You have to talk about this. How do you think it's ever going to get resolved if you don't? It's not going to just magically go away because of where you're sleeping. Are you going to keep treating him like a criminal for the rest of your life?

You can set the tone for the discussion. If you are calm, unemotional and non-confrontational, then maybe the two of you can talk about it without it turning into a fight. First, though, you need to let go of the idea that he is wrong and you are right.

If he accuses you of spying on him -- well, you did. That's a big breach of trust. You hadn't said before that it was his computer you were looking at. That makes a big difference. You obviously didn't just stumble across this stuff. When you spy on someone, you have to be prepared to find something you don't like.

Most men look at porn -- maybe not as much as your husband is, but it's a pretty normal thing. What is it that upsets you about his watching porn?

If you don't think that you can talk to him about this, then what about going to a marriage counselor? This seems to have brought up more issues than just porn-watching and you could probably use some help in working through them.
mariecc_14 replied to sandyloulou's response:
Why does it have to be a fight? why can't you just explain that you know he is looking at porn and have a grown up conversation about it? I know your hurt (i would be too) but what your doing is passive agressive and im 100% sure its going to start a fight. If i was him i would already be defensive and when people are defensive thier ears shut down. By sleeping in the computer your fixing the symptom (for a little bit;) but this is just putting a bandaid on a broken arm. I hope you find the courage to tackle this head on and with patients and understanding. Good luck
butterfly19790424 replied to cjh1203's response:
I would talk to him about the porn. I know its a hard subject to approach. I was in your shoes before. I didn't look in the history file, he left it on the computer. I didn't understand it, but after we talked, the issue was fine. Porn to him was a way to relieve stress before I came to his house.

Also, you putting the keylogger on is going to cause all kinds of issues. He is going to feel betrayed (which he should).
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
cjh1203 responded:
When you talk to your husband about this -- as you must -- you can't approach the porn thing as something he is doing wrong. The problem here isn't so much the porn itself as it is your feelings about it.

Let him know that it bothers you, and why. Listen to his response. His point of view is just as valid as yours, so you can't just TELL him not to watch porn -- that wouldn't solve anything and would only make him resent you.

You may need to compromise with him or, perhaps if he understands how much it bothers him, he will volunteer to stop watching it. He needs to be part of the decision about how it's handled, though.

As Guard said, the fact that he's been to doesn't necessarily mean there is anything bad going on. Just ask him about it and see what he says. If your gut tells you he's lying, you need to talk more, not spy more.

I do think that counseling would be very helpful to both of you. Besides the other things going on now, communication has obviously been something you've both struggled with.

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