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Infant and Toddler Care
newlyweds10 posted:
I am in an infant and toddler care class this semester and have been learning lots of really great things that can be applied in the raising of my kids in 5-6 years. My husband and I have a difficult time communicating effectively and I am trying to learn as much as possible so that we can hopefully clear up discrepancies and talk about raising children or what our experience is in how we were raised and what our expectations are so that we can talk about it BEFORE we have kids. In my class part of our assignment is to talk with someone about what we learned in the class, For some reason we have a hard time communicating when we sit down to talk and it is very discouraging to talk to him about it. It is for an assignment that I thought would be good for me to talk with him about so we can get a feel for each other's thoughts. But what ends up happening is arguing, and fighting and no discussion. He seems to want me to ask him a question and then he gives an answer when I am trying to talk about it. I don't know how to discuss this with him. I would read my notes from class and then try to discuss things. Last night he withdrew and told me I needed to be more honest with him. Its not that I was being dishonest about the project, it is a hw assignment but I chose him to do the hw assignment with him since we will eventually be raising kids together. He says I should have just told him that in the first place. I feel that I did do that, but he keeps telling me that I am lying. He ended up sleeping on the couch last night and told me not to bother him at all or wake him up because he had to go to work in the morning. He just moved back into the house this weekend after changing jobs. I guess this tension is from transitioning getting used to each other and living together. Its been almost 2 weeks since we last had sex and even then it was quick and not very fulfilling.

Yesterday he called me and told me he didn't have time to meet me after work because he was going to spend the evening at the University working on work related stuff... I pointed out to him that work was supposed to be left at work.... He said he was doing what he wanted but eventually called me later and said that he would be coming home. He had told me the night before that he was going to put his things away from around the house from him moving in as the house is currently trashed... I work all day and last night I had class until 9pm so I was appreciative that I wouldn;t have to walk home into another mess. However when I got home, he was cleaning the animals cage and baking cookies and bread and spaghetti but he never cleaned up so the house is even messier and it is difficult for me to try to finish up my degree and do hw when I can't find anything or the house is a complete mess. Its just so irritating. Any thoughts or suggestions?
3point14 responded:
Just curious, and I'm not trying to be a jerk....But what's good about this relationship?
newlyweds10 replied to 3point14's response:
There are good things, its just challenging
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I have to ask...

Since by all accounts you've given here he doesn't seem interested at this point in even being in your marriage, why are you planning on having children with this man?

So he cooked dinner and baked cookies. And cleaned the animal cage. It's not like he came home and sat on the couch. Yeah, he should've cleaned up but guess what--jobs like that are WAY quicker with two people doing it. What was wrong that you couldn't help clean up?

I'm sorry but I'm starting to get the impression that maybe he stays away because of the tension and nagging? Yes, he needs to man up and do what he needs to do, but it seems that no matter WHAT he does you let him know in no uncertain terms it's not good enough.

What the two of you need to do is take a weekend, get all his things unpacked, and clean the house from top to bottom. Make a daily/weekly chore list, and stick to it. That way you come home, do a few chores, and you have more time to devote to studying and to your relationship. How messy can it (should it??) get with just two people living there? There are 6 of us here and I keep a very clean house. You've both got to be on board with the housework or it just won't get done and you'll have yet another thing to fight about.
lobermann replied to 3point14's response:
I am glad you asked that Pi, cause I was wondering the same thing.
stephs_3_kidz replied to lobermann's response:
Y'all got a good point. My head is spinning just trying to figure out what is holding the marriage together. There's no communication. No time together. No sex.


And you're still convinced the two of you are going to (or should) have children together?

Oh. My. This is not going to work if you don't get some serious counseling..Together. And if both of you don't want to be there it's not going to work at all.
newlyweds10 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Its not that I don't help him clean, I have been doing all the cleaning while he was working away from home. He would come home make a mess and leave it a mess and then go back to his apartment. He would be mad if it was still a mess when he came back the following weekend and I would hate living with it during the week. I would appreciate it if he would pick up after himself when he does something. He made me dinner last week and fell asleep right after at 9pm and I cleaned for the next 2 hours until he woke up. I work as well as go to school so I find it helpful if he can at least pick up after himself. I made him meals to take to work, showed him how to load the dishwasher etc. I left the house at 8 in the morning and came back after I had done the grocery shopping and finished my class at 9pm last night to make dinner for myself after that I did the laundry and started picking up around the house and unloaded the dishwasher before starting on my assignment. So I am doing my part on chores, since he moved in he has been making more of a mess than cleaning it up. Anyways this discussion is supposed to be about how to communicate with him about raising kids for my class.
ImMe26 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I think since this is first (EVERYTHING) she is hell bent on being with him, regardless of what really is going on. She seems to think that if she "fixes" her to be what "he wants" , everything will be fine, the sex and happiness will come.

Its not going to happen.

Post us some good things about your relationship Newlywed, please.

What has kept you there this whole time?? What was the relationship about before you were married??
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
newlyweds10 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I can appreciate your suggestion about taking a weekend to organize things but he will be gone for the next 3 weeks (including weekends) and I am trying to graduate in 1 month and am way behind. He gets mad at me when I am not focusing on getting my hw done, but he isn't helping me by messing up the house and not talking to me about my assignment.
ImMe26 replied to newlyweds10's response:
"Anyways this discussion is supposed to be about how to communicate with him about raising kids for my class."

Raising kids?? If you cant sit down and tell him , how your day was without an arguement or disagreement, why the heck are you even discussing this ???
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
ImMe26 replied to ImMe26's response:
You need to work on one thing at a time.

Communication seems to be the issue (or so you think). Work on being able to hold a convo on ANYTHING without any issues and start there. Keep away from accussing described before on here from another.
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
stephs_3_kidz replied to newlyweds10's response:
I am having a hard time swallowing the fact that you are planning on having children with him. Does HE want children? Do you think your relationship will change if you have children?

Do you think he's going to wake up one day and say, "Oh, heck yeah..I'm stayin' home this weekend and changin' diapers!! To heck skiing with my buddies!"

SOOOO not gonna happen.
newlyweds10 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Ok so we are not planning on having kids for about 5 years. We have talked about when but we haven't talked about how. I am using my class as an opportunity to discuss philosophy of raising kids. He doesn't go skiing that much, plus by then he will be in his mid thirties. He initially wanted 10 children but we decided on 2. I am sorry if all I am posting is negative stuff lately but the only time I feel like talking to someone is when things don't seem to be working. When things are going well I prefer to spend my time with him as opposed to typing on a computer. I guess feedback I would appreciate hearing is about how you guys transitioned into being married and communicating, because our transition period seems to be really long ad extra challenging because of the amount of time he is away and the the readjustment of coming back to living together and talking together. If there are any military wives out there I would also really like to hear your thoughts and how you managed or are managing them.
ImMe26 replied to newlyweds10's response:
You missed the entire point...
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
lobermann replied to newlyweds10's response:
He is in the national guard right? Not full on military right?

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