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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Love or Money?
kristinmarie722 posted:
My SO and I were having this conversation about love and money. It was kind of based off of our friend, whose last relationship, she ended up in debt due to her ex's financial issues. Her current boyfriend is in the same financial situation as her ex, lives pay check to pay check, spends money on junk, doesnt save, etc. And I was saying our friend would eb stupid to consider moving in with the new man and basically assuming his financial mess.My SO though kept referencing- if you love someone, you love everything about them, etc.

To me, as a grown woman (and with a kid) I am not going to move in with someone, who is not smart about money. I am doing just fine where I am at. To me, someone who is financially secure and smart, that is attractive to me and important to me. And I am not some gold digger who wants someone to buy me a ton of stuff. It's more, I want to make sure whoever I am living with, has the means and ability to finacially support our household together. I am not going to be picking up the slack because you spent your last few dollars on beer or eating out or shopping, for example.

I think most of my thinking about this comes from, this is how it was with my ex (my son's father). Money would burn a hole in his pocket. I felt like we would never have "anything" because of his spending habits. It caused so many fights and stressful times. The financial burden always fell back on me to take care of things. And I really I didnt love him enough to overlook this flaw. (however, this was just one of many of his flaws).

My only adult relationship has been with my ex, and I can say for sure I didnt love him enough to overlook his money issues. And I have never been that in love with someone, where I would just overlook something like that, so who knows. But I dont know if I am a person to rely on "love conquers all" or any of that romantic thinking when it comes to having a life with someone. Money issues is probably the #1 thing that couples fight about. To me, why would I knowingly go into a serious relationship (living with someone) who I would have to support or who couldnt pull their own weight, no matter how much I love that person.

So what is everyones thoughts and opinons about this?
3point14 responded:
I couldn't be with someone who I didn't respect, and I don't respect people who aren't fiscally responsible. My SO was a lot lot lot less experienced than most people (I feel) when we moved in together, and it was our hugest bone of contention. I hated that, yeah, the money problems were always mine to solve.

But he's motivated, found a better job, and plans what he does with his money now. For me it's not so much the bucks in their pocket but the attitude in their head. I care that someone's motivated to fix their financial flaws more than I care that that benefits me.
kristinmarie722 replied to 3point14's response:
I care that someone's motivated to fix their financial flaws more than I care that that benefits me.

I totally agree with this. If someone realizes- opps I made some money mistakes- but now I need to fix them- that I can respect and be fine with.
butterfly19790424 replied to kristinmarie722's response:
I couldnt agree more with the both of you.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I think you have to look at everything sort of like, how can this affect me in the long run?

You might be able to deal with money issues for a while but after the irresponsible spending will catch up and it will cause bigger issues that you might not be able to deal with.

When choosing a mate (esp. when looking for a long-term relationship) you have to consider everything, financial responsibility included. It'd just be crazy, for example, to marry someone who had an online gambling addiction and couldn't pay their bills, then expect that just because you got married things would change.
tmlmtlrl responded:
"My SO though kept referencing- if you love someone, you love everything about them, etc."

-- Love needs to go both ways though.

If this man loves your friend then he shouldn't want to be a financial burden to her. He shouldn't want to take from her and potentially hurt her. I think since she's been through this scenario before she should be expecting the same results as before.

"Love" just gets thrown around too much anymore. Unfortunately we don't figure out what real love is until we've discovered the hard way what real love isn't.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
BalconyBelle replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I've always thought the "if you love someone, you have to love everything about them" line was a load of BS, and a flagrant bit of manipulation for someone to intentionally act in a way that they knew their partner wouldn't approve of--and when their partner calls them on it, they self-righteously declare something along the lines of "then you must not really love me".

As tmlmtlrl said, love needs to go both ways--both parties should show consideration for each other, both parties should endeavor not to harm each other through their actions.

Personally, fiscal responsibility is very important to me. I can understand if someone's hit the skids to due unemployment/personal tragedy--as long as they have the discipline and the drive to dig themselves out. I'm looking for solvency in a mate--stability in finances, emotions & mental health. While I support those I love when they're in need...I can't see being regulated to continually bailing out a sinking ship, to eternally having to save someone from a disaster of their own making. Love should allow both parties to raise each other up--not let one continually drag another down.
tmlmtlrl responded:
So Kristin, I'm going to read into this a bit...I think that for your SO to have been so adamant about love being enough that there is either something about him that he's had issues with getting approval from others about or just something in particular that happened in the past that he felt love should've been enough. I think those types of statements would be made more so by younger people with big beliefs in the power of love and not by experienced older people, kwim? I'm partially just digging here for the conversation aspect of it all.

And Pi, I think that is awesome. I think that is exactly how you can tell he loves you. People think love is all about hugs and kisses and being up someone's butt and it's just not.

Balconybelle -- I totally agree
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
kristinmarie722 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I totally agree with you. It was kind of an eye opening conversation for me. While it started as a discussion about one of our friends, it made me aware of what he thinks. Which is great. I love that we can talk about stuff and figure these things out and communicate about them.

However, I have these concerns that he is older (38) and has this super romanticized idea about love and relationships. And while in some ways it's "cute" the way he thinks about things, honestly it kind of bugs me too because I feel like he is not being realistic about life and being "adult" about relationships.

He was married for 16 years. (married young) Then right after that divorce (seperated for 2 yrs before that), he met a woman and was engaged to her/with her for 2 years. We have had the discussion before that he is "needy" and doesnt like to be alone. I dont think it's a deal breaker, as long as I stand my ground because I am the complete opposite.

He has def. expressed a lot more affection to me then I have to him. I want to take things slow and one day at a time. I dont believe in jumping into things, then regretting them later.

I dont know if it's me, being jaded for having been in a crappy relationship, or what.

What I do like about him though is that I feel 100% comfortable telling him how I feel (never had that before) and that he will listen to what I have to say.

And with this converstaion originating about money- I feel that he does pretty good with his money. Nothing serious or that couldnt be adjusted as needed.
queston replied to kristinmarie722's response:
Sex, money, and parenting are the holy trinity of things couples have conflict about. Money is a values issue--every time we have to decide how to spend (or not spend) our money, we're weighing things and deciding what is most important to us.

So, I think the odds of an adult relationship being successful are drastically lower if we don;t have basic agreement in these three areas.
Spankyrae responded:
I used to think "love is all we need." Now I blame those stupid love songs for putting those lofty ideas in my head. Well, love is great and very powerful, but you have to consider in spite of love, are we truly compatible?

Money is one of those big areas. I don't expect a man to be rich or work at being rich, but he does have to be responsible. I wouldn't consider a man who cannot manage his money---on his own accord--- someone in which I'd invest myself long-term.

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