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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Getting over a cheater in a healthy way
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Summer2682 posted:
I had posted many posts about a year ago regarding finding several redflags indicating my then-boyfriend was cheating. Anyway, as stupid and emotionally run-down as I was, it took his brother's girlfriend to tell me that a girl had slept in his bed with him when I was out of town and that this wasn't the first time, etc. That's what it took and I left both him and his two-year-old daughter. He accused me of everything, as well as leaving his daughter, and how much I was hurting her for making this decision. Well, I just found out that about two months later, he is already dating a really nice girl, who fills the "stable girl" and "girl-you-can-bring-home-to-mom" role that I fulfilled; but I also know he is sleeping with other girls on the side and it is killing me all over again! I am sick to my stomach because this is going to be the story of his daughter's life and there is nothing I can do to stop that. I am to the point of hating him so much for not respecting his daughter by surrounding her with all of these women. I strongly feel that he is a sociopath by nature and he needs help. All I want is for his daughter to grow up in a stable environment. I just don't want to end up doing something stupid like contacting his daughter's mother about what's going on, etc. I know I need to move on with my life and leave it alone, but it disgusts me that there are men out there who prey on women to screw them over and it ANGERS ME BEYOND BELIEF! Anyone have ideas on how to get through this emotionally?

Just for an idea on how crazy I sound...we were together for about a year and looking back, I went through a great deal of emotional abuse without even knowing it until I got out. My self-esteem is still low, I am confused about everything about myself, and just getting to know myself again and trying to focus on that. But I am still so angry at him for what he did and for what I know he will always continue to do.
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longduckdong46 responded:
Summer2682,

In your statement you stated it best " I know I need to move on with my life and leave it alone "
You will not change him in any fashion. You gave him nearly a year of your time and energy, and apparently someone who his daughter really looked up to.
His actions are self centered and selfish. That is not good parenting.

Do your best to look forward and not in the rearview mirror.
 
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kristinmarie722 responded:
Sadly most men like this will not change no matter the consquences (effect on his daughter). My ex cheated on me for years and didnt care about the effect it had on our son.

Good thing you moved on from this man. He is selfish and immature and will probably end up alone or in an unfullfilling relationship.

I believe strongly in karma.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
You need to get some counseling for yourself. If what that jerk did makes you have low self-esteem, then you need counseling. If you can't find it, find a good friend and confidante whom you trust to guide you through this and to give you good advice and a hug when needed.

Listen to me. His actions are NO reflection on you as a person, as a woman, or as a potential mate to someone who deserves you. What he did is ALL about him, no matter WHAT he might have to say about it.

You probably are hurting bc you can see what he's doing and it's bringing back painful memories. What you need to do is to put him out of your mind, and not worry about him and his mistakes anymore. Don't ask about him, don't look him up, don't talk to him. The more you obsess about him, the harder it will be to move on.

The consolation?..Eventually he'll run out of girls and excuses and he'll have to deal with his misery all on his own. You, on the other hand, will be living a fabulous, happy, healthy life. So go on. Get on with it.
 
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gd9900 responded:
Counseling will help you understand and cope with the anger and hurt you are feeling over what happened. It may also help you identify options for easing your mind of your worries/fears for his daughter. Take this time for you...you've lost something of yourself in that relationship which makes this a good time for you to learn, grow, and be happy again. Meanwhile, he will remain immature and selfish unless he chooses to change that about himself...but that is all on him.

Regarding the mother of his child, she is probably well aware of his sleeping around habit - my guess, is probably why she's no longer with him. I don't know if you are giving consideration to carry on a relationship with his daughter. I would suggest giving yourself some space from the whole thing and get yourself together emotionally, spiritually, physically before making any decisions about that.
 
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butterfly19790424 responded:
Counseling helps, trust me.

My ex cheated on me and it made me feel like I was the worst person in the world. I thought it was all my fault.

The therapy helped me see he had an issue and I did nothing wrong.

Try not to be angry at him. Its not healthy for you or your daughter.

Think about all the positive things that can come from this.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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Summer2682 responded:
Thanks everyone,
I have been seeing my counselor off and on and have an appointment scheduled for this coming week. I know this is just part of the grieving process of being so angry...but it's been A LONG TIME since I felt this angry. It's very uncomfortable cause I can't stop thinking of how much I want to make his life hell. I do agree that I need help for myself and fully favor counseling as a resource.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to Summer2682's response:
Best of luck to you. It's obvious that he's hurt you terribly, but you can't let HIS actions affect your everyday life. His callousness is no reflection on you, and no predictor of your future.

((HUGS)) I wish you all the happiness in the world, you seem like a very nice person. It's natural to want him to hurt as badly as you but he'll do that to himself.
 
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Summer2682 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Thank you for all of your support. I can say I have learned a great deal through all of this, but at the same time, I have held so many emotions back to be "fair" to everyone involved, that I am about to burst. I do feel a little bit better after talking to a good friend of mine this morning as well. I am such an advocate for justice and do not want anybody else to go through what I went through. But I do need to face the fact that I cannot save everybody, and other girls will need to make their own observations about him. I'll just have to pray that other girls are smarter than I was.
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to Summer2682's response:
I have another piece of advice. When and if he comes to you doing stupid things, its best to ignore him. He is going to do things to see how you react. I didn't ignore mine at first but I since learned, by reacting I'm looking like a fool.

Just a little background, my ex cheated on me and moved in with his gf. They are now married.

Some examples of what I have been through: late night phone calls wanting me to pick him up because he has been fighting with his girlfriend, suicide attempt calls, the gf sending me text messages wanting to meet me and my daughter for lunch, honeymoon pictures sent to me for our daughter, etc. The list could go on.

Stupid me at first, would run to pick him up, now I just ignore any text message or call from him unless it has to do with our daughter. I hate to say 95% of them don't or he is trying to use her to get to me (ie the honeymoon pictures of dolphins).

I just wanted to warn you this might happen. If you need to vent, this board is a great support system.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked


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