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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Is there a thing of being too picky
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butterfly19790424 posted:
I think I have that issue. I know what I want in a person and a man doesn't fit that idea, I won't want to go on a date with them because I know I will be using them for a free meal and movie.

Or maybe Im afraid to put myself out there because I don't want to get hurt.

I was just thinking of that today when I noticed couples by the pool. I miss male companionship.
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queston responded:
Maybe instead of thinking as dates as the beginning of a potential relationship and therefore being so picky, maybe you could just think of them as a chance to have some fun and get to know someone new? If he turns out not to be the kind of guy you'd be interested in a relationship with, where's the harm?
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to queston's response:
Isn't the point of dating going out with people you would like to start a relationship with?

I think the problem is I haven't met or been introduced to anyone that peaks my interest.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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An_229351 replied to butterfly19790424's response:
Have a new friend first. If sparks fly, two people are in luck to have some serious fun.

I think you really should like the person. How can you know if you want an LTR if you don't want to get to know them first..
 
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cjh1203 replied to butterfly19790424's response:
The ultimate goal of dating may be to find someone you'd like to be in a relationship with, but it doesn't have to be the goal of each individual date.

I've known a lot of people who didn't seem very interesting to me when I first met them, but once I spent enough time with them to get to know them better, they turned out to be great people. It takes a long time for people get to know me because I'm not that outgoing, so I probably seem like a big nothing until I feel comfortable enough to let down my guard. Some of the people you're turning down for dates may be the same.

Also, if you stick too closely to what you think you want or need, you could be passing up someone perfect for you who doesn't fulfill all those criteria, but has other qualities that are even better.

Finding someone to be in a relationship with isn't a race. If you keep an open mind and go on dates, and give yourself a chance to get to know those people, you may find the best man ever. If not, you've had a good time (and going on a date with someone you're not sure you're interested in isn't "using" them).

Unfortunately, getting hurt is a risk in any relationship, at any point. It's impossible to guarantee that you'll never get hurt, even if a man has every single quality you think you want.

If you stick too rigidly to your list of what you want, you could be passing up someone who could bring you a lot of happiness.
 
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butterfly19790424 replied to cjh1203's response:
I did go out with someone last week that I normally wouldn't have went out with. We had a good time. I enjoyed my meal. Then he wanted to make plans to go away for the weekend, sometime soon. Im not sure I like him that well to go out of town. I told him I rather wait a few more weeks to make sure we will get along. He agreed and I haven't heard from all week.

It seems lately, everyone I meet wants to jump into something quick. I even had one person tell me I was his soul-mate and he wanted to marry me within the year. Granted he was a long time friend, but it still scared me. I told him I didn't feel that way towards him and I haven't talked to him since either.

I don't think its time for me, yet. If it was I would be feeling differently. I haven't met the person that gives me a good feeling.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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Spankyrae replied to butterfly19790424's response:
Be very wary of the men who want to jump into something quickly! I don't think it's picky to want things to progress gradually, and I don't see going from the first date/meeting to a weekend together to be gradual, nor rational.

It could be that you are too picky when it comes to what qualities you are looking for in a man. That's where we have to figure out what qualities are a necessity and which ones we could be flexible with. It's all part of the dating process.
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butterfly19790424 replied to Spankyrae's response:
That could be it, too. I will work on the ones that can be flexible.
A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked
 
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lobermann replied to butterfly19790424's response:
Sometimes what we think is the best for us really isn't. I am not saying that what you want in a guy is wrong, but I know I would say I would want certain things in guys and then I would date the exact opposite. Finally, I just stopped (well my heart had been broken...by a wrong guy) and that is when God put him in my life with a big sign saying....HERE IS WHAT YOU ARE NEEDING.

I think we worry so much about trying to find "Mr. Perfect" that we let him walk on by.

Also, I agree about being wary of any man that wants to jump in to fast.
 
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IslandL responded:
Something I've been thinking about recently is what kind of relationship do I want, rather than what kind of man. What does the relationship look like? What does it feel like? What kind of life would I like for myself 5 years from now? 10? Always I've just "fallen" into relationships without giving any thought at all, so this is new for me. I'm thinking I might choose better if I evaluate how a particular man might fit the relationship I want, rather than the other way around.

The guys I felt the strongest sexual attraction to at first, ultimately proved to be not right for me and brief. Genuine attraction (all levels) I've found can either increase or decrease as I get to know the person - "instant" chemistry isn't a good indicator - sometimes it's worth it to see what developes.

Sometimes being "picky" may be your intuition telling you to take a pass.


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