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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
HayleesMom2007
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gd9900 posted:
Just to give a some background...2 1/2 years ago my H and I were introduced to this girl through my ex's daughter. (the ex is the father of my children - we never married) She and H grew up in the same town so they hit it off and talked about people they knew in common. Before long the 4 of us were hanging out every other friday night playing poker. After a few months I noticed the two of them flirted a lot and I called H out on it one night before the two showed up. The flirting didn't bother me, but I'd not seen this side of him in all 11 years (at that point) we'd been together. He thought about it and admitted he was flirting...but he wanted to talk with her privately to make sure she wasn't getting the wrong impression. I felt good about that until he told me what he said to her...I find you physically attractive but I am happily married and it goes no further. Mind you, at this point he and I had started having discussions about things we were unhappy with in our marriage...both of us had pondered that something was missing. Now, here's the REAL kicker - she told him she found him physically attractive too!!! He didn't hide their conversation with me but it didn't sit well. He brushed it off as the two of them being adults to admit their attraction and move on. So, I let it go at that point. And things may have been ok if what followed hadn't happened. A few months later, we were having a discussion with my kids about adding texting to our phone plan. He was totally against it. About a month after that she suggested it and he was all for it. So we got a family plan - big mistake! For the next 3 months he texted her morning, noon, and night. I was very annoyed, and cautiously approached the subject with him. His drinking increased from a 6 pack a night to upwards of a 12 pack...which also really bothered me. Before long he stated he wanted a friendship with her outside of the four of us. I had my reservations and discussed with him but he insisted he was taking a stand on having a platonic friendship with her. So, I went and talked with her about my concerns being they admitted being attracted to one another and he and I were going through a rough patch. A short while after that, because things weren't getting hashed out between us and the tension was building over this girl I suggested marriage counselling. What a joke!!! Our first session it was suggested we make time together (JUST THE TWO OF US) away from the house and stresses to reconnect. He agreed, but apparently had no intentions of following through. The next three nights he had friends/family over visiting. I didn't bother trying after that. Our next few sessions were ridiculous - but some things did get out. Then I couldn't hold back anymore and mentioned the texting with this girl. The counsellor agreed he was walking on a slippery slope and he said if texting about peanut butter sandwiches falling on the floor is wrong, I'm guilty. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...then after that meeting he suggested we separate. I suggested we bring it up at our next counselling session. We separated for 6 weeks. That is just the beginning. We have since separated twice, the first time, I moved out into an apartment for 6 months. That sucked! Couldn't stand living with him, but didn't want to be without him. We got back together but damnit his time with this f-ing girl was more important than working through our issues once again. It wore on me and six months later I came home one night to him telling me he wanted a divorce and that he was moving in with his sister the next weekend. I knew we needed a break...but divorce? We hadn't even TOUCHED working through our issues. Well, its been 8 months since that happened and I thought we were making some headway toward figuring out if we were going to work through our issues and move forward together or separetely. I'm ready to quit. She's still in the picture and we haven't worked through anything. I'm angry and sad.
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cjh1203 responded:
I know that this was meant for Haylee'sMom, but I hope you don't mind if I reply.

This is all stuff I said a couple of months ago, but I see that you're still in the same situation with your husband. He is not interested in staying in your marriage and hasn't been for a long time. He is leaving you dangling on a string, and you're letting him. The only way he could be more clear about what he wants would be if he actually served you with divorce papers. Every once in a while, he feels guilty and says something to give you a little bit of hope, but he doesn't mean it. Words are cheap -- you have to look at what he's done.

You give such great advice to other people that it's hard for me to understand how you don't see that you have given him every bit of power over your life as you sit there and patiently wait for him to decide your fate. It's already decided, but I think you're in total denial.

This isn't going to have the outcome you're wishing for and, the longer you sit and hope it will, the more you're making your own life unbearable.

He is gone from your marriage -- has been for a very long time. You need to be gone from it, too, so you can start your life again.

I think it would be really good for you to get some counseling for yourself to help you let go of him, as he's already let go of you.

Nobody could have been more patient or tried harder to make your marriage work, but you're the only one who wants that so there isn't anything else you can do.

I'm really sorry if this sounds too blunt -- I don't mean to be rude or hurt your feelings, but I think you need to be shaken up a bit. You deserve so much more than you are allowing yourself. You should not have had to suffer so much for so long.

Even though it will be sad and hard, you will feel incredibly better and stronger the second you make the decision to start taking control of your own life and happiness.
 
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cjh1203 replied to cjh1203's response:
In re-reading that, it is pretty blunt. I hope you know that I didn't intend to be mean to you. It just makes me sad to see you being stuck in such a lousy situation, month after month. You do deserve more but, at this point, you're the only one who can make something good happen. I wish you the best of luck.
 
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gd9900 replied to cjh1203's response:
cjh - thank you for your reply. I respond wholeheartedly to bluntness...and I do appreciate yours. Especially the part about taking control of my life and happiness.

That is a large part of why I am struggling so hard with his words/actions toward me (lack of bluntness). If he would tell me or serve divorce papers, I would know beyond a doubt where things stand between us on his end. Believe me, over these last couple of years I have paid close attention to his words and actions. I am aware the two don't match...I'm not in total denial. I've called him on his mismatched words/actions, I have pointed out he is being dishonest with himself and it comes across as lies to me. He says that has struck a chord with him. If a divorce is in fact what he wants I need to hear it from him. I want his honesty. Sometimes I think he wants me to be the one to say "it's over", and you're are 100% right in saying that is not what I want. I know ppl change over time, I'm having a hard time believing this is who my husband has become...half the time when we are together I am with the man I married, the other half is with a completely different person. There in lies more of the struggle. I don't want to give up on the great person I know him to be!! I know he is "lost" right now, and I wonder if he's choosing to connect with me when he does because I do know him so well...does he want me to reel him in or throw him back?

I do realize the emotional strain I am putting on myself by giving him the power as you and 3point14 have said. Its a mental block with me - he said 8 months ago he wanted a divorce and hasn't taken any action to make it happen since. Two years ago, our marriage counsellor told us the one who is the unhappiest gets what they want. I have felt powerless because of this but when he started opening the lines of communication a few months after he left, I thought it was best to give him his space to sort things out. Throughout these last 8 months, he is the one coming to me. I've tested the waters and on occasion asked him to spend time with me only to be denied for one reason or another...so yes it's pretty much been on his terms. Up until a few months ago I was ok with this but enough is enough! Things are coming to a head...I want resolution and a plan of action regardless of what the outcome is.

As a side note, I spent two years in counselling working to sort my emotions out with regards to us and working on changing things about myself I've been unhappy with. It was successful to a degree. I'm not so sure I entirely got out of it what I put into it, but it was helpful. We stopped our sessions a few months ago because of budget cuts on their end...I may end up going back in the future. Thank you cjh!
 
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willfightit responded:
Dear gd9900..
I am so sorry to have to say this, and then again, I am glad!!...can't you see he's telling you it's time you moved on..without him??? Don't FORCE him to stay or try and make him feel guilty..just throw up your hands, in front of him...and SHOUT at him..TO GET GONE!!! Tell him you are...MOVIN' ON to find a more suitable and desirable relationship!! Tell him you need to find someone who is more desirable and really loves you, as well!! Tell him he has deprived you of time to do that..so you're gonna do it NOW, on your OWN! It is quite obvious he wants the "other" woman...so don't sit back and take that crap anymore!! You are, I am sure a desirable, loving, sensual woman and you need someone to appreciate that...JUST NOT HIM!! Also, he doesn't seem the type to appreciate it, if you were! Move on , girlfriend,....many GOOD men out there who needs someone JUST LIKE YOU!!! Don't waste your love, time, energy and efforts ONE MORE MINUTE, with this "JERK"!! You deserve BETTER than this...so please, please, LET IT GO!! Y ou don' need someone right away...take your time and "Mr. Right" will come along, when you least expect it, even!
You "GO GIRL"...strut your stuff withyour head up high...leave yourself a little dignity...SHOVE HIM ASIDE!!
Like I said, you deserve better than this and so do your children!! Make your children PROUD of you, too, as they can see and know how he is treating you...MOVE ON!!
If you keep him around, could you EVER really trust him??
The answer is NO!! Take it from an "expert"...Thoughts will still "pop" in your head, no matter if you believe him or not!!
That is NO WAY to live!! When the trust is gone, it's time to move on....!
GET OUTTA there...now, while you still have a little dignity left! Your friends probably know more than you do about his little "sessions"...but, they won't disclose it to you, as they can see how hard you are trying to make it work!! Believe me, they are talking behind your back, wondering how long it will take for you to put 2 2 together!
I am sorry if you think I am "blunt", but from past experience in a situation just like this, I am telling you to ...MOVE ON NOW!! Quit crawling around on your hands and knees and stop the BEGGING...they love it when yu do that and it really doesn't change a thing in the way he feels about you!!
I PROMISE!! There is NO WAY the "issues" can be worked out, he has already proven to you he is "lookin' round for a replacement for you! MOVE ON...for YOUR sake!

Kindly,
willfightforit
 
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Springisnear replied to willfightit's response:
I am with you on this. I chalk this up as lession for the oustide observer to learn from. The dangers are out there and I am always concerned. However this poor person's struggles definately demonstrates that these fears are valid. I will double my efforts to be vigilant and ever watchful.

A person can never be to carefull, planning and security will protect the heart and the mind from agonizing misery that will can edure for years to come. When the facts present themself or themselves we are to acknowledge them and not ignore them. Hence the eye that sees this will know the time to act, the time to respond. However the response must be swift, deliberate and above all else to be explored upon prudently.

One can never know when this might strike so be diligent and alert with the patience of a confident partner. What can be done with all of this? Treat it seriously but know that this is transitory, the pain will disipate.

Long life happiness and enjoy the sun when it is out. Let it shine on your face.


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