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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
me or him?
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addzoe posted:
to make a very long story short my fiancee's father screamed and yelled at me over something that wasnt necessary. i was very embarrassed and felt extremely small and extremely guilty. i didnt say anything back. his wife apologized for him and my fiancee said he wont apologize because he doesnt care. i feel very angry right now, not because of that but because my fiancee didnt stand up for me. he didnt say a word and just stood there and stared. i have stood up for my fiancee many, many times even with my own family. i have even thought about ending the relationship. i also suffer from depression. my question is did i take it personal, or should i let this go and move on? after this happened i felt so uncomfortable around my fiancee and i do not feel comfortable around his family and refuse to see them.
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gd9900 responded:
My take on this is you took it personally. Not to excuse this man's behavior, but his reaction was more about him than you. Look at it this way, his wife apologized to you and your fiancee must know from experience that is who his father is. It's not healthy because this man isn't accountable for his behavior but you have choices other than ending your relationship. Your finacee most likely didn't stand up for you because he knows its a losing battle - and his mother is doing for this man what he should be doing for himself. Your fiancee is probably as embarassed as you are...talk with him about it. Keep your distance with the father until you can sort your feelings out and decide how to deal with it. Best of luck.
 
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An_229383 responded:
I would be so angry and hurt as well. What gd9900 said about it being a losing battle is probably right though. If your fiancee knows it would do no good to fight back maybe thats why he didn't. But do you know the answer to that? Is his father always like this?
I think you have every right to be upset, you don't deserve to be treated that way, especially by him.
 
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addzoe replied to An_229383's response:
i'm not sure if he is always like this. my fiancee said he can stand up to his dad he wont. he even said i should call to apologize and i absolutely refuse to do so. i made it clear i never want to see his parents. i am extremely uncomfortable around my fiancee and i am not comfortable even talking to his family on the phone because of this. since it has happened i have cried so much and felt so alone by my fiancee for not at least saying his father went too far. its been hard since everything happened
 
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An_229384 replied to addzoe's response:
I don't think you need to apologize either. I am so sorry you are dealing with this! How long have you been together? do you already have a wedding planned and everything? I don't think it is a dealbreaker, but I do think he needs to be on your side and at least be comforting to you.
 
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cjh1203 replied to An_229384's response:
I don't know what your fiance's father yelled about, but he shouldn't be yelling about anything. Unless you really think you did something wrong, you shouldn't apologize.

If your fiance was abused, physically or mentally, by his father, it's understandable that he wouldn't stand up to him. Otherwise, he should have said that he could not talk to you like that, and the two of you should have left.

This is one of those problems that is going to be magnified if you get married. You can't avoid his parents forever -- if you're married, they're going to be part of your life whether you like it or not. Also, you shouldn't punish his mother for what happened -- she had the decency to apologize to you on behalf of her husband, and she was probably mortified by what he did.

If your husband is going to allow his father to treat you that way, you have to decide if that's something you're going to be able to live with forever. First, though, talk to him calmly, when you're not feeling so upset about this. Ask him what he will do if it happens again.

If you decide this isn't going to end your relationship, you need to agree on what is going to happen the next time his father loses control like that. I think what should happen is that your husband will calmly say, "We are not going to stay and listen to this", and then leave. If you do that consistently, he may get the message. If he doesn't, then you're going to have to limit your contact with him.
 
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Anon_148081 responded:
Him


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