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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Confessions 7/18/2011-7/24 Summer Heat. Is it hot where your at?
    GuardSquealer posted:
    I confess that baling hay Monday afternoon was miserable. Flat Stanley, the boy that ran himself over, is able to drive now but no stacking yet. So he drove and I loaded wagons. 400 bales 60 pounds each wore me down. Dipping my hat in the coolers ice water helped, but I haven't felt this tired for a while. And the temp was in the mid nineties.

    I confess that I really need to do something about my wifes drinking. She wanted some ice cream last night, and was eating it in bed. I think she had been drinking most of the day. So anyways I was out in the barn loading hay on a trailer. When I came in at 1 in the morning. I noticed the lid on the counter to her ice cream. Thought that was weird because I know she nevers eats all her ice cream, and I figured she was eating it around 11. So I went in the bedroom to see if she had put it on her night stand. Nope.

    She fell asleep holding it. It fell over on the bed getting all over our bed spread comforter thingy. And then fell off the bed and became a big melted goo on the carpet. Luckily my dog cleaned that part up when I told him to.

    So now the comforter has to go to the cleaners.

    Plus when she is drinking she says stupid stuff and then I say something smart back and she is more willing to fight when she has been drinking, so we usually wind up argueing.

    Also she appears to have gained more weight. I know I was obese for quite a while. And still could lose a few pounds. But since she is petite just a little weight gain is easily detected. And she gains it all in her belly. Honestly I am starting to avoid sex as I don't find her that attractive anymore and the belly a little disturbing. A few years back she told me that if I lost some weight she might want to have sex with me more often. Now I think I am going to have to tell her the same thing.
    stephs_3_kidz responded:
    Guard, I had a thought about your wife's weight gain when I read that. Is it possible that she's approaching menopause? Women who are tend to start gaining weight around their middle and it really just sneaks up on them before they realize it.

    I confess.....

    I'm so super glad that my husband doesn't feel that way about me even though I've put on weight since we've been together the last 16 years.....
    cjh1203 responded:
    It's so disappointing to me that you have such a double standard for your weight and your wife's. You were obese for years and, although she said she might have sex with you more often if you lost weight, she apparently mostly just let it go. Now she's gained a little weight and has a bit of a belly and you find it disturbing, don't want to have sex with her and don't find her attractive.

    She lived for years with you being a lot overweight, but you don't want to put up with her gaining even a little. After all these years, you should love her enough that a few pounds won't make any difference to you. If appearances are that important to you, perhaps it's time to trade her in for a newer model. As people get older, things start to shift, sag and get wrinkly. Are you going to hold that against her, too?

    Anyway, have you talked to her recently about her drinking? Has your daughter? Hearing it from both of you would probably have more of an impact than if it just came from you.
    queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    Yeah, that seems really unfair for women. One of the key things in what makes women attractive in our culture is waist-to-hip ratio. I find that I am attracted to female bodies of all sizes as long as they have the "correct" waist/hip proportions.

    As you say, around menopause, women tend to get thicker in the waist and therefore often lose that hourglass-ish look that is, for me anyway, the essence of the female form.

    I guess it makes sense, from an evolutionary perspective: maybe men find the hourglass-ish shape attractive precisely because it is an indication of a women in her fertile years.
    3point14 responded:
    I confess I'm back from vacation and feel like a new person. I'm tan for the first time in my life, and actually relaxed. It was the best week and a few days of my life. Spent my birthday morning on a secluded beach, eating double fudge chocolate cake, and kissin' on the manfriend. I feel like our relationship is new again, and I can't believe how good it felt to get away from the world with him. He is the most loving, sincere person I have ever known and I'm so proud to be alllll his.

    I confess the manfriend's picking up the car this week, and I am literally so thrilled I borderline can't sleep. Ah, all those hours that will be mine again!

    I confess that the crappy part of my vacation was my Dad. I never realized what a negative, bullying person he is. When he was fine he was fun and loving and the Dad I know. But his moods were just off the wall and I couldn't predict a good or bad day. I guess I'm just so grateful I don't live with them...

    I confess I'm on a big Elton John kick. My Mum got me into him big time on vacation.

    I confess I saw the last Harry Potter movie last night and cried my face off at one part...I grew up with those characters! Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

    I confess I need some book!
    stephs_3_kidz replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    Guard, I must admit I'm a little taken aback by your attitude toward your wife as of late.

    Nothing that you say indicates that you love her or even care for her. I almost *hear* from your posts that your relationship is one of habit, not of mutual love and respect.
    naggingwife74 replied to 3point14's response:
    PI, I am not sure what kind of books you enjoy, except Harry Potter obviously. I loved the Harry Potter books when I had time to read, I think I read the 1st four but never got any farther.

    Anyways, my sister got me started on a series that I loved! The first one is called "One for the Money", second is "Two for the Dough", third is "Three to get Deadly", etc, etc...

    I found myself reading each book in about 2-3 days because I really enjoyed them. Give them a shot, I would be interested to see if you like them! The web site that gives some description about each book is;
    ImMe26 responded:
    All that alcohol she is consuming cant be good for the waistling among other health issues.

    My mother drank beer daily for the better part of 15yrs and she gained her weight only in her tunny as well. Everything else was small, except her stomach. She passed away with that same frame, could never loose the belly fat, then when thru menopause.....

    I think your enabling you wife horribly, and need to be a husband and talk to her already. Not the pillow talk, talks you say you have, or the hints you drop about her drinking. ITS A BIG can you sit by and watch her just go down the drain like that?? As her husband you should care ALOT more than that.
    Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
    kristinmarie722 replied to naggingwife74's response:
    My sister loves those books too! I havent read them-but I heard they are good!
    queston replied to 3point14's response:
    I have no idea if these would be your bag, but I am a big fan of the writings of Norman Maclean, of which there are sadly too few.

    A River Runs Through It and Other Stories is his most well known work. A River Runs Through It is his masterpiece, but the other stories in that volume are very engaging (less weighty) as well.

    Young Men and Fire is a non-fiction book about the tragic Mann Gulch fire in Montana in the 40s and about wildfire fighting in the west, generally.

    I know that a lot of men Maclean's work, but I think anyone who enjoys the outdoors would enjoy them. There is a book called The Norman Mclean Reader which has some other miscellaneous works of his.

    3point14 replied to queston's response:
    My Mum actually mentioned A River Runs Through It as well, so I guess the universe is telling me something. I've been kind of wanting to sink my teeth into something real before classes start up again, so that should be awesome.

    And Nagging, I love ALL books, and will pick the first of that series up tonight at B&N. You're not missing a ton if you stopped at book 4 of the Potter series either, I hate to say it. As much as I'm a hardcore Potterite (as my Death Eater tattoo can attest) the last three books are definitely less charming and whimsical, less enjoyable on the whole.
    Spankyrae replied to ImMe26's response:
    ImMe, I don't get the impression it's that Guard doesn't care enough for his wife or that he's not concerned enough about her drinking... but rather that he doesn't know how to deal with it. Or perhaps, he doesn't know how to care as he should (common in codependent relationships).

    And so, igorance is bliss.

    Guard, I'm not saying that you are ignorant in an insulting way. Rather, it sounds like you are choosing to be oblivious to how damaging her drinking is and focusing on the other issues (weight gain, lack of sex) instead. It's not going to improve if things remain the same... and from the bit you've expressed, things are getting worse (or they're more apparent than before).
    stephs_3_kidz replied to Spankyrae's response:
    I'm not so sure that any of us who really, truly love our husbands/wives/SOs would talk about them like that, though.

    If my husband gained a bunch of weight, he'd still be the same person.

    But if he was passing-out-spilling-ice-cream-all-over-the-bed drunk, THEN we'd have a problem. I totally understand WHY Guard has an issue with the drinking (in fact, I think we've all tried to convince him that it's worse than he originally thought it was!), but the other stuff is just flat-out disrespectful and nothing a loving husband would say to complete strangers about his wife.

    At the same time, I think that his wife may be self-medicating with the alcohol to deal with the underlying issues in the marriage (no time together, husband doesn't want to have sex..).

    I do agree that it sounds like things are getting worse.

    3point14 responded:
    If you think her tummy looks bad now, imagine how her liver's going to look in ten years if the two of you do nothing to take care of her. You promised to tend to her in sickness and health, Guard, and she is SICK.Nobody wants to be an alcoholic. Nobody wants to get fat and unattractive. Nobody wants to get into fights with their husband.

    She's obviously incapable of handling this on her own, and you honestly don't seem like you give a damn enough to help her. I think if you're really planning on spending forever with her, you need to get your mind off her pudge and focus more on the getting-so-drunk-she-passes-out-and-makes-a-sloppy-mess-of-herself thing.

    Disturbing? There's a lot about this situation that's disturbing, but a middle aged woman gaining ten pounds is, in my opinion, the least of it.
    ImMe26 replied to Spankyrae's response:
    Ignorance isnt bliss and he does know what this is doing to his family, better yet his wife's health. He is sitting there letting this happen. Enough already. Its like he is doing it on purpose to avoid a hard conversation or something.
    Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY

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