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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Ex in my marriage
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Anon_232641 posted:
me and my ex dated for about 8 years on and off. he didn't want to commit to me so I moved on and met my husband and we have now been married for a few years. After a year of marriage my ex told me he wanted to commit and letting me go was the biggest mistake. I told him it was too late. The problem is I still think about him at times and sometimes I still have dreams about him. Our relationship was always unfinished and I have always felt like there was something unresolved between us. Every couple of years he still tries to contact me and I have been trying to ignore him but I just can't stop thinking about him. What can I do to get past this. I don't want to think about him anymore and I don't want it to affect my marriage.
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cjh1203 responded:
The fact that your ex would spend eight years with you and refuse to make a commitment, and then beg for you to go back to him AFTER you got married tells you everything you need to know about him, as does the fact that he continues to try to break up your marriage.

He's not a good guy. He probably would have ended up wasting more years of your life and then breaking your heart. And a man who would try to get a woman to cheat on her husband probably wouldn't give a second thought to cheating himself.

You're probably idealizing him when you think about him -- remembering more good stuff than bad. Write down the bad things and look at that list when you need to.

You can't control your dreams -- I still have dreams about someone I broke up with almost 40 years ago! Try to be realistic about what kind of man he is when you start thinking about him, though. He's a selfish jerk, and you're undoubtedly better off with the man you have now.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
I'll just say it. I think he's just trying to get you to sleep with him. He knows he messed up and lost a good thing. But like cjh said, any man who would even attempt to get a woman to cheat on her husband or to leave her husband for him, isn't worth the trouble.

You probably do feel like things are unresolved but you are just going to have to forget about him unless you want to invite trouble into your marriage. There's no need for him to contact you at all given that he has expressed a desire to be with you again.

How would your husband feel if he knew about this? (Does he know?)

How would YOU feel if your husband's ex contacted him and told him she wanted him back, wanted to make a life with him? I'm sure you'd tell your husband that you didn't want him talking to her.
 
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gd9900 responded:
You spread your wings and soared...unfortunately your carry on bag needed a little repacking to keep from overflowing. Please understand this is not a criticism - its common place. You're not alone - a lack of resolve is often a stumbling block in life...in this case possibly toxic to your marriage. How do you get past the unresolve? Make your peace with it. Some great suggestions have already been made. Counselling may help you sort it out, forgiveness could be key, confronting the ex...there's no hard & fast answer, however you know what you want (and don't want) and I'm sure you have an idea the process by which you take to get there. Start with that...and challenge yourself to answer the question why this matters to you?
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
For years I felt that way about my first wife. We grew up together and I had a crush on her since the 4th grade. She was 2 years older than me so all through school I never felt I had a chance as that is a pretty big difference in school years. But a couple years after we were both out of school we started working together and things progressed from there, to the point of us getting married.

Then things fell apart and we wound up getting divorced. I felt I still loved her, but we had some growing up to do. She told me that she would always be waiting on me to figure it out. But then I couldn't get a hold of her for a few months, and I found out she married someone else and had moved across the country. I couldn't believe I didn't even get to say good bye. She never told me that she was even dating someone else.

For many years I dreamed about her every night. I often woke up beside my new wife and I would be in tears from my dreams. I longed for her and thought that if I saw her I would get back together without a thought.

Then one day I realized how lucky I was to have my wife and child and that I had a great life. And that I was foolish for even thinking about her. So I just said good-bye to her in my mind, and I don't think about her very often any more. She will always have a special place in my heart. But I realize the life I have now is great and there is no place in my life or mind for her.

So you need to say good bye to him in your mind. And don't think about him anymore. Appreciate what you have, and don't have contact with him.


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