Skip to content


    Exciting News for WebMD Members!

    We've been busy behind the scenes building new message boards for you. You'll have new and easier ways to find messages, connect with others, and share your stories.

    And, this will all be available on your smartphone or other mobile device!

    What Do You Need to Do?

    The message board you're used to will be closing in the coming weeks. While many of your boards will be making the move to our new home, your posts will not. Want to keep a discussion going? Save posts you want to continue (this includes your member profile story), so that you can re-post them in the new message boards.

    Keep an eye here and on your email inbox, we'll be back in touch soon to give you all the information you need!

    Yours in health,
    WebMD Message Boards Management

    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Strange Email
    GuardSquealer posted:
    So I was driving to work tonight and oddly enough was stuck in traffic. I looked at my phone and it showed I had a message on facebook. Since I didn't have anything else to do I opened it up, well it was from my ex-wifes husband. We have been divorced 22 years. I haven't spoke to her in 21 years. We had been speaking and I thought we were getting along fairly well, when suddenly she just disappeared and I never heard from her again. Her sister told me she had moved to California and gotten married.

    Anyways apparently she filed for a seperation from him, and had mentioned that she had some of the same issues with him that she had with me. So he wants to discuss some things with me to see if he can get some insight into her feelings. He also wants to know about her childhood. Her and I grew up together and went to school together. Her brothers were my best friends. And I had a crush on her from the first time I saw her. She was a couple years older than I, so for a long time she never had any interest in me. But after we were both out of school for a while we started working together, and she rode to work with me. Well after spending time together we wound up starting to date..

    Anyways I found it interesting that he would contact me for insight. I plan on emailing him back and telling offering any advice or information that I can. I will warn him not to tell her that he is corresponding with me, I think she might feel ganged up on.

    Actually I think he might be able to offer me some insight as I felt I was the one that had the issues in our relationship. So it will be interesting to here her side of the story from him.
    gd9900 responded:
    Guard, sounds like a great opportunity for both of you. I hope you can help one another out in some way.

    This reminded me of the time I had pretty much made the decision to leave the father of my kids, I called his ex-wife and asked her why she chose to leave him. Her answers confirmed what I thought were issues between us as my reality. One which I didn't want to move forward with. After she revealed her answers with me, I thanked her and told her I had decided to leave him. In our case it was a simple conversation, and after that we had a better understanding of each other and became friends. We've never been close, but our kids are half-sibling to each other and its been nice over the years being a part of the extended family without the animosity that can occur.
    3point14 responded:
    Are you going to tell your wife about this?
    MissCaptainKirk replied to 3point14's response:
    Yeah, it sounds like a good idea to help this guy out, but gonna have to agree with 3point14 that you better tell your wife. There's no reason not to.
    Anon_121810 responded:
    Am I the only one that thinks its a little weird that you were only married to her for a short time, haven't spoken since, and they have been married 20ish years and he is looking for advice from you??

    I would think he should know her quite a bit better at this point. What could you possibly tell him about what you knew of her 20 years ago that would be relevant>?
    kristinmarie722 replied to Anon_121810's response:
    I second that thought!

    Why get involved? She is your Ex from a LONG time ago.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to kristinmarie722's response:
    Yeah..I think I'd stay out of this one.
    Spankyrae responded:
    I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea---as long as you are comfy with it--- of talking to him. But how insightful can you be regarding her or her personality when you haven't even spoken to her in 21 years?

    And as for information on her childhood, I think if it's personal, that's not your place to tell. Plus... it seems weird to me that he doesn't know about her childhood? Unless it's something that he wants to know that would be very personal, such as a traumatic situation. And that's where I wouldn't get involved. How would you feel if someone else was divulging private information about you to someone else?
    stephs_3_kidz replied to Spankyrae's response:
    The reason I think it's a bad idea is because Guard has admitted several times that his mind has wandered back to his ex-wife and what might have been. Not that it isn't normal to have those feelings, but I just think he'd be safer (emotionally) to stay away from it.
    GuardSquealer responded:
    I can see reasons why it would be a bad idea. Personally I don't see any harm in it. The days of me longing for her have long past. I have no desire to reunite with her.

    I did grow up with her and her brothers. I went through a lot with her when one of her brothers was killed in an auto accident right after high school. So I might be able to offer something. I don't see where it could hurt.

    I did tell my wife about it and she sees no harm in it. It would be just a couple emails I am sure. And then I will probably never here from either of them again.
    gd9900 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    My take on it is this guy is looking for answers/insight of the issues his wife is referring to. Maybe she hasn't shared any specifics other than alluding there were issues similar to that with her first husband. That could be what led him in the direction he took to contact Guard. Talking with this guy could provide Guard with some resolve over the relationship ending between him and his 1st wife. I don't know the story, but I do know that in time you get over the person and relationship ending, but anything unresolved sticks with you...and maybe that's why Guard is open to talking with this guy. I really don't see any harm in it. Seems there's a possibly they can help each other in some way. I do agree with Spanky though, I wouldn't share anything personal.
    tmlmtlrl responded:
    I find it interesting that after 21 yrs she's going to walk out on her second marriage because it reminds her of her first marriage. She had at least 20 yrs to realize this and do something about it.

    She sounds kinda like a flake. Everything happens for a reason. I think you dodged a bullet with her even if she is/was a hot tamale!!

    It would be nice for you to get some kind of insight as to what was going through her mind so many years ago. I think your best chance at that is to keep your mouth closed as much as possible....let him talk and talk for awhile before you offer your thoughts.

    I wonder what he wants to know about her childhood. It might just be about her brother dying, maybe she never really dealt with it.

    Well, good luck. I hope you get what your looking for out of this!
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    GuardSquealer replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
    She didn't walk out because it reminded her of her first marriage, she just said there were similiarities.
    GuardSquealer responded:
    Well he sent me a pretty long email this morning. It was interesting to read. A lot of his story was similar to my experience with her. Initially a decent sexual relationship. Once she becomes secure in the relationship the sexual part quickly declines, until sex is non-exsistant.

    He seems like a very sincere and decent man. He clearly loves her very much. But he is confused by her lack interest in sex. She clearly has told him that it is his problem and he needs to deal with it himself. And this is were she referred back to our marriage, stating that I had told her similar things and she told me to take care of myself.

    She surprised him with papers for a permanant legal seperation. She will not file for divorce. And states that if he wants one he will have to file for it. He doesn't want to file for divorce he wants to reconcile, but she refuses and states that there is no chance of ever working anything else.

    It actually cleared up some issues for me. I had thought for many years that I was to quick to react to our sexual problems. And that there was just some underlying stress that had gotten in the way and caused our sexual problems. Once she decided we needed some time apart. She quickly went to an attorney which made me mad. I decided if she was going to do that, I would let if follow through. And I did. I wanted to make a point that I wasn't like her mom and step-dad that would file for a divorce, but then get back together. Almost monthly.

    He asked if I knew if she had ever been a victim of any sexual abuse. It is my belief that she was not. She never mentioned being mistreated in any way to me through the many years that we knew each other. I grew up across the street and was best friends with her brothers and never saw any abusive behavior from her family. And she was a virgin at the time of our first sexual encounter.

    I felt that she did have some self esteem issues resulting from the guy she dated and was engaged to prior to our relationship. They were together for over 5 years, but he would not have sex with her. He wanted to marry a virgin, and wouldn't marry her until she graduated from college. And she had decided to not finish college. So they were in limbo and he was not flexible at all about it. She told me that she really was ready to have sex, but he just refused. The only thing he would do, was let her use her hand to pleasure him. And he would not return the favor. She told me this led her to believe that she was not desireable and she seemed embrassed about her body. Although she had nothing to be ashamed off.

    She also had a lot of intimacy issues, and would get embrassed thinking about the fact that I had seen her naked and had done certain things with her. She feared us breaking up and having to go through life knowing I had seen and touched her intimate areas.

    She also preferred spending time with her family over anything else. It didn't seem super weird at the time to me, as we were young and both had just permanately moved out and into our own home. So going back to visit regularly seemed normal to me. But the visits never decreased. And actually increased a lot the longer we were together. And it seems that was a problem with them also. Even living across country and having her own family, she still wanted to visit frequently.

    My only concern about corresponding with him is that she has read his personal email and discovered that he is talking with me. I don't know if she actually read my response, but I did send him a long email this morning explaining our relationship. So if she did read it she may be angry with me. I don't care if she is, as I only stated the truth. But I don't want any contact from her.

    And I have told my wife about everything that has taken place, including her finding out about the correspondences.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    I'm sorry, I find that weird. What would compel this guy who doesn't really even know you to open up and tell you about the failure of his marriage to YOUR ex-wife?

    Spotlight: Member Stories

    I live the craziest life for a twenty year old girl living in a small town in Wisconsin, i feel like i should have my own reality show seriously... I...More

    Helpful Tips

    my younger wife
    my wife is 49 and im 59 years old . i feel low sex drive but she is a hot wife yet. making her satisfied how should i deal with her? More
    Was this Helpful?
    2 of 3 found this helpful

    Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

    FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.