Couples Coping Support Group

You're probably tired of hearing about me, lol. Just wanna share this for y'all who wrote such encouraging things to me.

I'd said that I was gonna wait til next week to talk about marriage counseling, cuz of the wedding going on this weekend.

But the opportunity to bring it up came yesterday.
My husband and I went the mall to p/u his tux for the wedding, we also had to get a gift. Then we had to go grocery shopping and at the same time I was getting some food for the wedding party bcuz we would be going non-stop from 6am to 9pm.
I always set aside giving money (sorta like tithe) so I used it to get the wedding food, cuz her mom was gonna get it but she had a stroke last week. (Plz keep her in your thoughts/prayers.)

While he got his tux I went to pick out a gift. He met me there and said I should get the gift cuz he was getting groceries. Don't know if that's a fair trade but it stressed me cuz even though it wasn't too expensive I don't have that kind of money.

He always wants to buy the cheapest groceries possible, so we usually go to 2 stores. He always acts like this is my fault and complained the whole time.
When he's that mad about the stuff I was getting even though I was getting the healthiest cheap food I can, I freak out inside. I was near tears and shaking. I had a grocery list but I still kept forgetting stuff or my mind would go blank cuz I was so afraid.
We got a lot of groceries cuz we hadn't been shopping in a few weeks and I 'd run out of my food for lunches (been starving all week ). He was so mad at how expensive the total was but I tried to explain that's what happens when we don't buy groceries for a long time and run out of food. Also I bought groceries the last time but I didn't bring that up.


When we got home he sat me down and told me he was sorry he was so grumpy all night but he's going through some stuff and he didn't want to say what kind of stuff cuz it's his own private issue, he just needed my support during this time.

That's about the time I realized I've HAD IT.
I told him it's completely unfair that I'm just supposed to be "supportive" and take the kind of emotional abuse that happens whenever he's "struggling". I'm sick of the cycle, him being horrible to me when he's struggling and then apologizing and saying he's gonna change/read his Bible more and it lasts a week and then he goes back to treating me like crap again.
I said it's on me that I didn't show as much emotional pain as I was feeling cuz I was trying to be supportive/respectful of him. But what he's struggling with kills my self-esteem and the way he treats me is unacceptable. I'm giving him my respect and not getting any back. His treatment of me is getting worse and I'm afraid of him. So afraid that I was scared while grocery shopping, I've stopped asking for things I need, etc.
I apologized cuz I had told a lie, and that's that I'm excited about our vacation. I'm not, I'm scared.

It's like I'm an annoyance to him. I asked why he had wanted to get married, esp when he still loves his fam more?
He blew up about that cuz he always defends his fam so I said let's save that discussion cuz it won't get us anywhere right now. What we need is marriage counseling and we need to start next week. He said ok.
At the end he said "Well, it really hurts to know you don't believe I can change."
I said "I believe you can change, I don't believe you will. I hope you will. I'm saying all this cuz I love you and I'm not helping either of us by letting you hurt me."
He said "Ok well I'm tired I wanna go to sleep."
I said "You're gonna end this discussion cuz you wanna sleep? I just poured my heart out to you and you're mad it kept you up? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE THE PERSON YOU LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TREAT YOU LIKE ****?"
He was shocked and said he's sorry, he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He now sees we really need marriage counseling. It ended well.

I owe my courage to you guys. Couldn't have done this w/o you. <3