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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
dont know where to turn...
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lovinglostman86 posted:
I don't know if I'm in the right part or not but I'm in big time problems. I've been together with my hunny for going on 7 years and lately the topic of sex. She dosent want to have no part of that... now I'm only aloud to love her once a month if I'm lucky... I'm 25 she's 23 we both have 2 kids there both young 2 and close to 5... I can't not play with her in any means or she will start tearing off my left ear as well as I can't french kiss her bc that's only to be done if ur having sex. And I love her I don't want to leave at all ... but lately she's been saying that she don't wanna give me it even if she dosent want to bc it makes her feel like a whore. And that I should leave her to go find someone else that would have sex with me daylie.. all truth i don't care about anyone else I want her I want to make love to her. No one else. She's also been to the dr and the obgyn and they all done testing but nothing and she could look at porn and do other things but nothing will get her turn on or in the mood is there anyone that could help me out. I'm just looking for some input ya know try this or that it will be much apreached
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gd9900 responded:
I only have my experience to offer...my husband and I went through a "dry" time sexually speaking. It was an awful time for both of us - at the time I didn't understand what was going on with me because I always enjoyed sex. I didn't feel sexy, although he never made me feel like I wasn't. I went to my family Dr., my OBG/YN, and counselling to try and sort out my issue. Looking back I know I was exhausted from working, and at some point depression had set in. When he wanted sex I was usually too busy or too tired. We did have sex every couple of weeks (sometimes more often and a few times it was a months in between) but it wasn't as often as he wanted...I wanted more too, but getting in the mood when he already was didn't come easy. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night ready to rock and roll but by then he wasn't in the mood - I liked morning sex but that didn't happen very often because it made him sleepy and he had to go to work. I would come home after a long day at work switching hats to be wife/mom and all the responsibilities that go along with that. So far as the housework and kids, I was the problem as I wouldn't ask for help - and I didn't take those little moments to enjoy with my husband when he asked because I was making dinner, doing dishes, helping with homework, picking up kids, dropping them off, going to the store etc. You get the picture? Its not right, but I know my stubborness for "doing it all" affected my desire for sex. Also wasn't sure I wanted to risk getting pregnant with another child. Not that I didn't want another child, but the thought of adding another one to the mix at that time was an overwhelming thought. Again, I didn't ask my husband to help (at times he did offer but I usually refused as felt I had everything under control). He worked longer hours and more days than I, he has a very physically and mentally exhausting job. I think if he had taken the reins and done things on his own to help around the house or with the kids I would have responded differently during that time. I am responsible for putting all that pressure on me...I'm just a person who doesn't often ask for help, but I'm learning to reach out more. He's more than happy to help, when I do ask him - otherwise he probably didn't know what to do. I was the one who didn't want to burden him to do more and I took on more than I should have. The sex issue caused a great deal of resentment for him down the road, and we've been struggling for two years in a rough patch as we are working through this and other issues in our marriage. Don't know if we will move forward as a couple or not. But I do know as the kids have grown older and as more responsibilities have fallen their way, as well as me working less hours and backing out of other obligations I've been way more relaxed - and my sexual appetite has grown back to the way it used to be. Unfortunately now we aren't enjoying our sexual life together, we are separated. When we do have sex its amazing! However, there is a struggle between emotional connect/disconnect from each other so its also a very confusing time.

I guess I'm suggesting counselling for her and maybe both of you before it gets to a breaking point. Some of your hunny's comments are concerning, however I know I said some hurtful things I didn't mean to my husband out of sheer frustration. It was wrong, and I did apologize the few times that happened, but I know those comments hurt him deep. I can't take them back...I can only hope he can find forgiveness in his heart. I hope this helps you in some way. Best to you - I am sorry you are going through this.
 
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cjh1203 responded:
You're both way too young to be pretty much giving up sex, and it's not fair for one person to dictate every tiny detail of a couple's sex life.

How is your relationship otherwise?

I hate to bring this up, but is it at all possible that she's having an affair?

The sex situation is going to end up affecting other aspects of your relationship. I would echo gd9900's suggestion of counseling. You need to find out what's really going on with her, and she needs to understand that sex is a very important part of a long-term relationship -- especially when the two people involved are so young -- and make an effort to help revive that part of your relationship. Her comment about feeling like a whore if she has sex with you is sort of bizarre, since you've been together so long.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
Is there any chance she was sexually abused as a child? Or maybe very promiscuous at some point and it's clouded her view of sex?

There could be a number of things going on.

Is there anything about your guys' lovemaking that she feels is inappropriate or makes her uncomfortable?


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