Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Announcements

This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Online Chatting
avatar
alaska_mommy posted:
Hi all,
I'm tempted to post anonymously but I don't think I will. If DH ran across this he'd probably know it was me anyway.
DH works long hours...usually 50-60 hours a week. He works nights, so he comes home usually around 4am and leaves for work around 1:30pm later that same day. He does this 5 days a week and is off weekends. So during the week I usually see him for about an hour during the day, more if I wake up and talk with him when he comes home in the middle of the night.

I get online and chat on Yahoo and I find I am really drawn to flirting with guys. And talking about sex. I am guessing that that's because DH and I can't have it as often as we both want to. I know that he wouldn't approve of it when I do that. I do also have some friends that are "safe" and we don't talk about anything we shouldn't. Typically I'll talk with some guy for awhile about stuff that isn't really appropriate and then I'll feel bad/guilty and either end it with them or tell them I need to be good and not talk like that anymore.

Anyway, I don't want to stop the chatting altogether, because it's my only social outlet right now, besides phone conversations with my mom or sis. It really has helped me to be a happier person at home and not clingy to my husband and upset because of the time apart. And my social life will be improving soon, we will be moving to OR at the beginning of November to cut our Alaska trip in half. We'll spend the winter & spring in OR close to family/friends and then leave for AK mid summer.

So, I guess it's like, I know what I ought to do, and what I should do, but then for some reason I really like doing what I shouldn't do...but I don't want to hurt DH either.
Reply
 
avatar
cjh1203 responded:
If someone else wrote this, what would you tell them?

If your husband wrote this, what would you tell him?

(I'm not trying to be a smartazz -- I just think that looking at it from a different viewpoint might help.)
 
avatar
alaska_mommy replied to cjh1203's response:
I think if my husband wrote it I'd probably be shocked or hurt at first but then after that wore off I'd say we should look at ways that we can connect better so that there wouldn't be that need there to connect with others via chat. I'd probably tell others that too...try to connect better with your spouse so that you can fulfill those needs with them instead of elsewhere.
It might seem kinda funny actually, because here I post all the time on the Sex & Relationships board, and hubby doesn't have a problem with that. But I suspect he would have a problem with the chatting. He was skeptical at first about it to begin with, because he knew a woman in his hometown growing up who left husband and three kids for some guy she met online. Not that that would ever happen with me...I always keep tabs on myself and how emotionally involved I am with chat friends and not let it get too far as far as my heart goes.
IDK, am I overthinking it as far as how much of a problem it is? Or do I need to really watch it and be careful? It's just such a gray area. I think though the real test is would I be comfortable doing it if hubby was reading what I was typing. And I wouldn't. So I guess that answers that.
 
avatar
GuardSquealer replied to alaska_mommy's response:
I think you are under thinking it. I don't know if you have read my story before about my little problem that developed from online chatting. But I will run it down for you. This has been probably 9 years ago I guess. I really can't remember how long ago.

My wife and daughter went on vacation without me and I was feeling a little sorry for myself. So I was messing around on the internet and found some chat rooms. I went into one that was called "Married but flirting". Seemed pretty harmless. Everyone knew that everyone was married.

Anyways I came across one very attractive woman and started chatting with her. She disappeared after a brief conversation but I was able to get her email from her profile. So I sent her an email to see if she wanted to chat some more. She did.

So we met in a chat room and chatted for quite a while. We had a lot in common and really hit it off. And she was in Georgia so I figured that was far enough away that nothing would ever happen. I am always too busy to just run off to Georgia to see someone.

Our conversations were sexual in nature from the very beginning. The second night we chatted she offered to call me and have phone sex. I had never done anything like that so I let her call, it was very intense.

Our chatting went on for several weeks. And we spent every spare moment we could find chatting. We quickly moved to instant messaging instead of the chat rooms. We both knew we that the other was married and talked a lot about what we felt we were missing from our spouses. We pretty much covered our entire lifes with each other. Still I felt safe that it would never go any further than just talking to each other since we were ten hours away. We did talk about getting together and what we would do to each other. But I was confident that it would never happen. And I felt that it was really not cheating since we were just chatting over the internet. And we were 10 hours apart.

Well one day I couldn't find her online. She did not respond to her email, she wasn't on the instant messaging and not in the chat rooms. I felt so lonely. I couldn't believe how much I missed her.

This went on for a couple days. Then she called my cell phone. She told me that she had taken a vacation alone like she frequently did, and took some time to think about things. She decided to come to Ohio and meet me. And she could explain being in Ohio since that was where her dad lived. She told me that she was in a hotel just 15 minutes from my house and wanted me to come and meet her.

She explained that if we liked each other she would spend another night in town and could do all the things we talked about online and the phone.

Well I was pretty much in shock. Couldn't believe that a woman would drive that far just to meet me. And offer to do all the things I fantasized about doing with a woman.

So I decided to meet her. She was far more attractive in person and she must have found me attractive also. We met in the hotel parking lot and she invited me to her room. Once in her room it wasn't long before we were in bed. We did everything that we had talked about and more. We spent the entire night and next morning together. She went on to see her dad and then came back through town on her way to Georgia and we spent another night together.

We both pretty much fell in love. Our online affair became more intense and continued for quite awhile. A few weeks later we met halfway to each other and spent another night together. Each time we met the sex was more intense than the previous meeting.

But we didn't know what to do. When we were saying good bye she handed me a letter and told me to read it on the way home. It was basically a letter saying good bye. I knew that everything she said was right and we should just end it while we could before we were caught. But once we were home we wound up chatting more.
 
avatar
GuardSquealer replied to GuardSquealer's response:
We kept telling each other good bye, but then would start back up the next day. She actually started sneaking out to a local club at night after her husband would go to bed and would drink a lot while she was there. She said she couldn't handle not being with me, but she didn't want to leave her husband and children. We both were frustrated.

Then she started telling me about a bouncer at the club that was buying her drinks. A couple nights later she went home with him and her husband caught her when the bouncer was bringing her back to her car.

I felt more like she cheated on me than anything. I actually had tears in my eyes when she told me about it.

But she had a break down with her husband and told him everything. He said he could forgive her if she told me good bye and they went to marriage counseling.

So she told me good bye while her husband was there and that was supposed to be the end.

But a few days later she was back. Just to tell me somethings and let me know how things were going. But she got caught again and then she called my house and left a weird message for me and my wife heard it. She thought it was a girl I worked that she knew flirted with me so she got angry and checked my computer history and found some things. So her and I had some problems over it too.

That was the last time I ever heard from her. I hope she worked everything out and it well.

So I am just saying that what you think is innocent online chatting can lead to other things and cause horrible problems.

But I know how you feel. I still miss the feeling of talking with her. And of that type of chatting. And sometimes when I get bored I get tempted to look for the same type of thing.
 
avatar
tmlmtlrl responded:
Who are these people you're talking to? It seems to me that if they are supposed to be friends of yours then they are friends of low character and don't have much respect for your marriage.

Instead of thinking of what your husband would say I think you should think of how you would feel if it were reversed. If he was doing and saying the same things how would that make you feel? That should be your answer.

Why are you not having more sex? With those hours I can see him being tired, but I also see plenty of opportunity for sex. Also, doesn't he have the kind of job that you could call or text him sexy stuff if you wanted?

I get where you're coming from and that it feels good, but this is your marriage you're playing with here and I believe that's not something you want to mess up. Because like Guard said these kind of things can just spiral out faster than you would think. All it takes is that one opportunity -- that one door being opened.

Do you think part of you would like your husband to find out so that he would know/understand how much you need him?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
avatar
queston replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
"Do you think part of you would like your husband to find out so that he would know/understand how much you need him?"


DING DING DING!


I think we have a winner.


What do you think, Alaska? I think it's very natural in a marriage that we go through stages of different neediness. I think a big part of my issue with my wife recently is that I have been in a stage where I needed more from her, while at the same time she was in a stage where she had less to give.


Do you think that you might be able to redirect some of what it is you get from these chat partners toward your husband? More sexy talk, maybe, even if not more actual sex? (I can absolutely guarantee that if got more sexy talk from my wife, there'd be more sex!)


Also, you have young children, right? It's not that unusual for parents of young children to get so caught up in their roles as mommy and daddy that they give lower and lower priority to their roles as lover, companion, confidant, etc.
 
avatar
An_239824 responded:
I found out my wife was doing this and me not really being the jealous type figured it was no big deal. After all I look at porn from time to time so what's the harm.

She said it was just for fun and didn't mean anything and was just to entertain herself while I was away. So I put a few ground rules.
  1. No people that lived close.
  2. No getting attached
  3. Not to be chatting to the same person.
But after awhile she fell in-love with a married man and started being sneaky. I got the feeling something was going on and I confronted her. She denied it and stopped for a little while (feeling guilty). But she had become addicted to the new love feeling. And soon enough she was at it again.

By this time I was checking everything and caught her red handed. She had started chatting with a different married guy about 150 miles away. She wasn't home when I got home and my oldest told me she called and said she would be late. I went to her job and she wasn't there. I figured that she was cheating and I planned to confront her when she got home. Unfortunately when I was leaving I took the overpass back home and when I got to the top I saw my truck about 2 alleys over not to far from her job.

Needless to say when I walked up to the truck he couldn't get his pants up quick enough.
This eventually ended our marriage about 8 months later. Not that I didn't try to work it out but she wouldn't stop.

We had a good sex life, she told me she was attracted to me, loved me, but just couldn't seem to stop herself. I did nice things for her, gave her space, and spent romantic together time with her. But she'd end make excuses to herself and say I can handle it and so on and so fourth but eventually she'd be sexting it up again.

I do feel partially responsible for giving her the ok when she first started and I think if I'd had put a stop to it earlier things wouldn't of turned out the way they did.
 
avatar
cjh1203 responded:
" I do also have some friends that are "safe" and we don't talk about anything we shouldn't. Typically I'll talk with some guy for awhile about stuff that isn't really appropriate and then I'll feel bad/guilty and either end it with them or tell them I need to be good and not talk like that anymore."

Everyone thinks they can stop before things get out of hand. It's like going out for a few drinks and then saying "I'm OK to drive -- I won't get in a wreck". Nobody ever gets behind the wheel thinking they're going to crash their car.

You're intentionally doing something that you know could end up wrecking your marriage, even if you don't think it will. I think you need to try to figure out why you're taking that risk.
 
avatar
mrslee97658 responded:
I would stop the online chatting about sex. I chat with people online male and female but most of these people I know or know from websites such as here. I never, never flirt with anyone. I love my husband too much and would be devastated if he did that to me and I don't even picture myself being with anyone else after being with him for 7 years. I think it is very unhealthy to talk to anyone else other than your husband about your sex life. If you are frustrated about it, tell him! This is just all my opinion of course but I think your marriage could suffer for doing these kind of things and really I don't think you want your husband to be doing these things to you. GL and I hope you take my advice to heart.
 
avatar
kristinmarie722 responded:
I think that it just opens up the doors to temptations.

Also it takes focus away from your husband and marriage. If you are getting something out of the online chatting, you are not allowing your husband to give you that. So if are seeking being flirty, etc., by getting it online, you dont need to do it with your husband (been flirting all day while he is at work, so once he comes home your done with it, bored with it, etc.)

My ex did this with texting. He would put all this energy into texting other girls and when it came time to give me some energy he was exhausted.

And I do get that "high" or that good feeling you are probably getting from the conversations. And yes that puts you in a good mood and may help when it comes to your DH. But try getting that high again from your DH. Send him flirty texts. Send him flirty emails.

I had a male friend at work, been friends for years and we talk about anything and everything. I know 100% its fine because I am not attracted to him. Now would be current SO (or even my ex) apperciate the conversations I have had with this friend. Probably not. But I get no other benefit from it then having a conversation and getting male feedback on an issue. Been when you are relaying fanasties, etc. you are showing a very personal side to yourself.

Good luck!
 
avatar
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I guess I would consider what you are doing as having emotional affairs. Maybe not long, drawn-out emotional affairs, but it's cheating just the same. JMHO

My husband would file for divorce if I did what you are doing. No questions asked.

I think it's a cry for attention, personally. What you're doing is wrong, you already know that. So you need to stop.


I also don't think (having read your posts here) that you would be shocked/hurt at first if your husband was talking to women one-on-one online, and then try to find a way to better your relationship because of it.

I think you would be devastated.
 
avatar
candy352 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
I think that online chatting is a bit dangerous to your already established relationship. Flirting seems innocent, but it can quickly escalate. I think cheating is cheating, rather it be emotional or physical. I do think that chatting is okay only if you are keeping it friendly, not flirting or making it sexual. It is really hard to stop once feelings are involved, so I would stop while I'm ahead.
Candy 26, DF 36, PG with 1st child, EDD 1/6/12
 
avatar
gd9900 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
I think though the real test is would I be comfortable doing it if hubby was reading what I was typing. And I wouldn't. So I guess that answers that. Remind yourself of this EVERY time you decide to chat. I always keep tabs on myself and how emotionally involved I am with chat friends and not let it get too far as far as my heart goes. Please do not kid yourself...your husband has a legitimate concern and he has expressed his worry with you. It may seem under control, even fun and games now. If you and your husband don't get this out in the open for discussion and resolution, your desire to seek what's missing in your life will continue to grow - unbeknowst to the man you are married to. He's putting a great deal of faith in you...think about what you are potentially inviting into your marriage. It sounds like you realize there is potential for disaster...I'd like to suggest side-stepping temptation by not putting yourself in the position for resisting it in the first place. I understand your need for a social outlet. Why do you need to chat with men and engage in discussions of a sexual nature? I also understand your need for sexual fulfillment. When your husband gets home tonight, make love with him!
 
avatar
alaska_mommy responded:
Wow this has gotten a lot of comments.

Guard, thanks for sharing your story, it's scary that something like this can turn into something like that--it would be just like what hubby feared the most about the chatting.

To give more info about the chatting itself, the people I chat with are people I've met in a chat room. A few times I've been flirty while still being up front with being "married and not looking", I always try to be sure to say that from the get go. I've never done cyber sex or that sort of thing, it's more just discussing my sex life I guess, and the other person chiming in with what they like, etc...I also am friends with a couple of teen guys that I feel have a lot of questions about sex, and I try to help them understand it better...sort of like what this forum does. One of the two is very conservative and everything is straightforward, the other I can tell is sort of getting a rise off of what we talk about, but I feel at the same time he's just deathly curious because he hasn't had sex yet and wants to know all about it.
I waffle back and forth because part of me likes to help inform these guys so sex isn't such a mystery or taboo thing but the other part of me says this isn't my place to do, and I know my husband would say that it's not my place.
And then I also feel bad because with the other people I chat with that we dont' talk about anything sexual, I get bored with that and want to talk sex with the others...it's more exciting.

As for trying to do more with hubby...I don't know, I feel like what I really am craving is just a deeper emotional connection with him but I don't feel that is possible, because of the place he is at emotionally. He is a very serious person, maybe a little bit depressed at times, and with my chat friends, I can be funny, silly, witty, etc while with hubby it's all seriousness usually. I guess right now I feel like I'm just a boring married person and chatting makes me feel interesting and someone that people want to be around. I feel like with hubby I'm sort of reduced to just the bare bones basics as far as personality interaction or depth of conversation.

On a side note...I'm really irked because when he was in his accident, he couldn't get ahold of me and he told me later that he actually broke down and cried...I have never seen him show emotion like that and I so wish I would have heard the phone so I could have gone through that with him. I've never seen him tear up or anything. I know that's typical male behavior, it's just frustrating because I feel like our interactions always just scratch the surface.

He comes from an abusive childhood where it was safer to keep all your feelings inside, and he had to be an adult far earlier than he should have been, trying to protect himself and his siblings because his mother did not protect them from his stepdad.
I grew up in a serious household as well where there was some dysfunction and an emotionally absent dad (hah, looks like I married that same kind of person. Not surprising though). But my mom and sister and I were extremely close, sharing everything and anything and talking about all the goings-on in our thought life. So to have a relationship with my husband where none of that happens, leaves a hole in my emotional well.

Anyway, I know I've gotten beyond the point of just having chat friends and that it's beyond what hubby would approve of, I guess too I feel bad when I get too involved and then have to either back it off or "leave" so to speak. I feel sorry for the guy because we've developed a friendship, and then I have to disappear. But I find that once I've opened that door as far as the content of the conversation that it's hard to not slip into it again. So I know the best way is to just cut it off...but I have a hard time doing that. But when I do I always feel relieved. Right now I have the feeling I'm needing to cut it off with the one teen guy but I'm just having a hard time with it.


Spotlight: Member Stories

I'm a 32 yr old divorced mom with a 13 yr old son. Life over the past year has been very trying and confusing. I am recently divorced and still wo...More

Helpful Tips

How to change my story
I went to my community profile and it would let me edit my picture and signature but would not let me change my story. I had just realized ... More
Was this Helpful?
135 of 144 found this helpful

Helpful Resources

Be the first to post a Resource!

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.