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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    stephs_3_kidz posted:
    I didn't know about the affair you had with the woman from the chat room. Did your wife find out that you met and actually slept together? How did she handle that, if so?
    GuardSquealer responded:
    Maybe I never discussed it on here before. Maybe I shouldn't have told that story.

    Actually no she never found out about it. And I have no intention of disclosing it to her. I know that some people will not agree with me on that. But I don't feel that there is anything to gain from doing so, except maybe clearing my own conscience. I am pretty sure it would end our marriage.

    Maybe she should have that option, I don't know. This happened at a time in our relationship where there were a lot of things going. She had been going to school for several years after work. She travelled a lot for work. I felt alone since I worked third shift, she worked days, went to school and then rolled in just as I was leaving for work. I pretty much cared for the farm, and our daughter, and I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. Not to mention the stress of my mother living with us. Plus on some of her trips I was a little suspicious of what was going on.

    So I guess I justified my actions in my head. I really don't even remember the exact year it happened. And how many months the whole thing took to transpire.

    In the end my wife became suspicious of a co-worker that had been trying to start something with me. Some of the things that she found she blamed on that woman and I let it go with that. We semi-seperated for a couple of weeks. I slept in the basement and still took care of everything. We eventually made up. I never admitted to anything and never denied anything. And she never asked me anymore questions.

    Obviously I know what I did was wrong. And I know that she probably would leave me if she found out. It would be more detrimental to my daughter than anything. I have went out of my way to try and make it up to her, even though she doesn't know that I am doing it. I buy her anything she wants, and do anything she wants to do. I treat her better than I ever did before the affair and never argue with her.

    My dad once gave me some advice about women. He said never admit to anything. And I have pretty much followed that advice in this case. I don't feel that I got away with anything. I live with a lot of guilt. Kind of like the Scarlet Letter I suppose. For years everytime the phone rang and my wife answer I imagined it was her calling to tell my wife about the affair.

    I never have claimed to be an angel.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    I guess I straddle the fence with that one. You feel a considerable amount of guilt, so that's a tough punishment.

    But I do agree that your wife should have the option of knowing and be able to decide for herself whether to stay with you or not. I kind of see that as unfair to her, because she is oblivious to it all and unbeknownst to her, she's married to someone who's been physically unfaithful to her. She's moved on and forgiven you for emotional indiscretions, but what if she couldn't live with this? Shouldn't she be able to decide that for herself instead of you just pretending it didn't happen?

    That's just kind of a slap in the face. JMHO
    stephs_3_kidz responded:
    This whole "never admit anything" is baloney, btw. Maybe your dad should have taught you that you shouldn't ever do anything to hurt your spouse instead of encouraging you to cover it up.

    But you are a grown man, and you know right from wrong. So regardless of what your dad's message was to you, you're responsible for your own actions and behaviors.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    And I wanted to add, I really don't want to sound mean or hateful, Guard, because I know you think that telling your wife now would just mess up both your lives and your daughter's...I'm just saying, maybe you should think about things like that BEFORE it happens instead of relying on the old "never admit" thing.
    queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    I can really see both sides of this. On the one hand, if my wife had been unfaithful and had changed the behavior, I might not really want to know. On the other hand, knowing might at least help me understand why we've had some of the struggles that we've had lately.

    Also, Guard, I would not dismiss the possibility that she already knows.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
    I can see what you're saying. I guess I am thinking about how I would feel, as a woman, and my husband had been physically unfaithful to me and hid it from me, and had gone on to have more emotional affairs and continued to flirt and act inappropriately.

    I know men who do their wives that way, and it's sickening! It's not a 'mistake'. Maybe if the flirting or what have you happens once, ok......maybe there is a way to forgive it and move on. But continued emotional infidelity and to top it off, an actual physical affair that led to "love"??

    I just think that your spouse should know, has a right to that they can choose to stay with your unfaithful self or not.

    She hasn't really had a choice, because she doesn't know. So in effect she's in a marriage to this day that she possibly wouldn't WANT to be in if she knew the ugly truth.

    Why do people who can't remain faithful even get married??? Yes, it would hurt your wife and daughter if they found out now, but the whole point of getting married is committing yourself to and saving yourself for that ONE PERSON. Not doing whatever you please and pretending that if you don't admit to it that it never happened.
    queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    "Why do people who can't remain faithful even get married???"

    Interesting question. I guess very few people think "I'm not every going to be able to remain faithful."

    I have to say, monogamy comes pretty easily to me. In spite of having marital difficulties and a not terribly satisfying sex life over the last few years, I've never really seriously considered seeking it elsewhere (except in my fantasies).

    I do think that it comes a lot harder to some people. I'm not offering any excuses for anyone, but I guess your question is possibly a little unrealistic. Very few people are that self-aware.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
    Monogamy is easy for me, too. I guess I can't understand why it isn't for others. Unrealistic? No, I don't think it's unrealistic. As the premise of marriage is between two people committed solely to each other.

    I think *some* people do know they can't remain faithful, to some extent. Or at least that they have no intention of doing so.

    Not unrealistic, but probably naive of me to think that people should marry the person they love and stay true to them.
    tmlmtlrl replied to queston's response:
    "Why do people who can't remain faithful even get married???"

    This made me think of something I recently heard on the radio about how your thinking makes all the difference in marriage in that there are those people who get married with a very clear awareness that divorce is an option. Then there are the people who have it in their heads that they will be with this one person for the rest of their lives...they actually picture the rest of their lives together. The ones that last are obvious.

    Yeah, Guard talked about this on the Sexual Health board a while back. I didn't realize his wife didn't know everything though.

    I think the biggest factor about telling vs not telling is how many years have went by now. Personally, I can't or don't want my mind to go there so idk. For Guard though, I would say let it lie (no pun intended). I hope his lesson was learned.

    Funny how much more guilty he feels towards his daughter than his wife though....oh well.
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    ImMe26 replied to queston's response:
    I dont get the impression your sorry or that you wouldnt do it again.

    You were just on here a couple months back posting about some woman you were drawn too and were talking about being with and flirting. Given the right opportunity I believe you would cheat on your family again. JMHO.

    Affairs arent mistakes, they are decisions made and actions that follow.

    I myself cant forgive infidelity. Ive lived this pain for over 4yrs , and just suffered through a divorce as a result of an affair. Affairs are very selfish and hurt everyone in the end. The betrayal that you feel on a deep emotional level is stumbling, terrible pain and one shouldnt do that to someone they " love" and make a committment to.

    I dont know im probably just ramblin, but this is my response..
    Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
    stephs_3_kidz replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
    Well, I agree that I don't know what it would do now (and I noticed the greater concern for the impact it would have on his daughter, too) besides turn everyone's lives upside down. At the same time, I feel like his wife is being made a fool of and that's not cool.
    queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    "Not unrealistic, but probably naive of me to think that people should marry the person they love and stay true to them."

    Well, my point was more that maybe it's naive or unrealistic to expect people to know in advance if monogamy is going to be easy or hard for them, or if they are "the kind of person who could never remain faithful." Sure, some people marry with no intention of being monogamous, but my guess is that that's a small percentage of those who eventually do cheat.

    I don't think it's unrealistic at all to expect people to live up to the promise that they have made, whether it is easy or difficult to do so. That's a different issue.
    stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
    You're right..I doubt that many people get married and still have it in their heads that they're free to do whatever they want.

    I do think that some people know that it is not in their personality to be with one person. I truly do. They always want that thrill, that rush of a new relationship. They need more attention from more than one person. I used to work with a man like that, he flirted with every woman he came in contact with, thought he was a real ladies' man, and eventually his wife caught him cheating and left his sorry behind. And then he boo-hooed to anyone who would listen when she did leave.

    I don't have any sympathy for people who are unfaithful to their spouses. My dad was unfaithful to my mom for YEARS and she put up with it. Never even called him on it, even though she knew. Now that's just stupid.
    tmlmtlrl replied to ImMe26's response:
    Well you're right on that one!! It actually went through my head while I was typing that he didn't really have that love or connection 'for the long run' with his wife. Like he keeps it together for his daughter and the sake of not having to deal with change.

    Like that love/connection with the ex wife, the attraction to the woman from the farm, and now the connection with this other woman. Guard, what do think? Is there that connection with your wife? Do you think if you two split that you would then feel that you had had that connection but missed it while it was there?

    My opinion on cheating has always been a complete deal breaker. I've always told the person I was with that if they ever made the CHOICE to cheat on me that they in turn would immediately be making the CHOICE to leave me. They go hand in hand for me.
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

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