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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I was having a really hard time with some stuff that was said on the two threads and just feeling really bad so I didn't get back on here til this morning and read all of the kind things you all said about me and it's really encouraging to me. I'm glad that I'm understood and that you guys know I'm not here for attention and that I've had many battles to fight. But I didn't fight alone, you were all there for me.
The appointment was ok. There's a couple doctors I see in one office. The one I saw at my 2nd appt. is a lady that I usually see, she's the one who first realized last year I was sick bcuz I was in so much emotional distress and bcuz I had O.D.'d. She guided me to get help. So she knows me very well inside and out.
-Warning, mildly gross medical stuff in this next section- I have a urinary tract infection which she explained came from the constipation I had had bcuz stress affects my IBS (this happens to my little sister too). She was concerned about my heart rate and they ran some tests but they don't get results back until tomorrow. There was also blood in my urine but it wasn't menstreaul (I can't spell that) blood so they were going to do some further tests. She prescribed me antibiotics to take right away bcuz when I get infections they spread quickly. Well, the antibiotics they gave me I had an allergic reaction to, got very sick and my body was shaking so they're going to prescribe me something else. It's painful and I still feel very sick but at least help is on the way!
-Ok no more gross medical stuff- I'm feeling better emotionally, having a fairly good week. I saw my counselor yesterday and she said I even looked better and talked with more confidence. I haven't seen my husband much so far and I probly won't til late on Sat when we go to celebrate his dad's bday. His family and their community of friends are doing an Oktoberfest/bday party. No wild stuff goes on, it's fun. Well his sister was trying to get everyone to come over (she lives with their parents) on Sun and be there the whole day too. My husband wants to go but he asked me and he said his dad wouldn't care it was just his sister who wanted everyone together. I said that if his dad didn't care then I would rather not bcuz I'm always tired on Sun. He then asked what I wanted him to tell them since it was me that didn't want to go but he didn't want to blame it on me, which at first I thought was nice. I told him the polite thing to do would be to say "we can't come, we have plans" and of course those plans would be to stay at home but to say "we are just going to stay home and not be doing anything" seems a little rude to me, it'd be like saying "we would rather stay home doing nothing than come over". He proceeded to call me a blatant liar and that if I wanted to lie to my parents all the time (which I don't do?) then fine but he doesn't lie to his parents bcuz he is close to them and they love each other (gee thanks for reminding me my mother hates me) and that I was always trying to pit him against his parents like they would be mad at me if we didn't come bcuz I'd be 'taking him away from them' blah blah blah condescending condescending. (His mother & sister have both said more than once it's my fault when we don't come over and I'm taking him away from them. They've literally spoken those words, I'm not crazy. And it turns out his other sister didn't want to go either.)
And for the first time I didn't feel super emotional, I just felt really annoyed. I told him it was very rude to say those things to me and that I wasn't trying to lie to his parents, I was trying to be polite to them. That did no good of course so I simply stopped speaking as it would be more productive to talk to a brick wall. But the point of this long story is, he wasn't able to make me feel like crap and make me cry and I pretty much owe that to you guys. I feel like I won a battle. I feel strong. I like that feeling.
You don't owe it to us, to state that we've helped you a great deal. But it is nice to hear and all in all, I'm just glad you've made some improvements. Sometimes I think these sort of relationships are like brainwashing, and it takes time and a lot of work to deprogram yourself.
So, does he not want to see his family alone Sunday? I don't think it's necessarily lying to say you have other arrangements, even if those just involve staying at home. But what if he just went and you stayed home?
I also don't think you (or he) should feel unable to just explain to them that you need some me-time or time to unwind and don't want to head out that day. That should be perfectly understandable and in your case, I think very necessary. I would think it'd be even better if that time was truly yours alone, and he went to see them.
Yeah I feel like I was brainwashed or like under a spell or something.
I did say during the "discussion" that he could go himself to see his family if he really wanted to but he responded with hostility and went on and on about how we are one and a unit and if I thought otherwise then I needed to rewire my brain and change my thinking. ? Despite my silence, he went on to say he couldn't be "the spiritual head of this family" if I was making him do things he thought was wrong. And that I needed to take criticism bcuz he has to take criticism from me. What made me most annoyed was the fact that he brought God into this argument as always, and I hate when people use God in an argument when it has nothing to do with God and they just use him so that you can't argue with them. And the fact that he thinks he's the "spiritual head" proves to me he isn't living in reality.
Also I think he's looking for any opportunity to twist something I say into me doing something terrible to him and he uses the same words I use when I'm talking to him about his mistreatment of me. He literally mimics me exactly, it's so weird and it's like he can't think for himself but he wants to get "even" for all the times I talk to him about his mistreatment of me. If I had actually told him to lie to his parents then I would agree that that's wrong and I would've apologized. But the whole point was that I wanted to be polite to them, I have no reason to lie to them or be rude.
The only reason I would go with him if he wen Sun t is bcuz I don't want to be the only one that doesn't go and it would seem like I don't want to be there, and even if my father-in-law doesn't care if people come over, if they all come over and say that it's to celebrate his bday I don't want him to think I didn't care it was his bday. And despite the fact that he is mildly crazy, he always gets ignored by my MIL and never gets to do anything he wants (kind of like me and my husband). And when my MIL and SIL said that I was taking my husband away from them, my FIL was the only person who said that that was hogwash and that a man and wife need time alone together. Which he's told me he'd like alone time with his wife but she's obsessed with her kids and ignores him. So it would be purely out of respect for my FIL.
But I kind of wish my husband would go by himself bcuz I'd have the whole day to myself and could relax. I could take a bubble bath!! I could get coffee!! and hang out with a friend or something! It'd be like a vacation!
I hope it's not terrible that I don't want to be with him. It's just that I need to un-stress myself. It isn't that my husband is horrible all the time, and he has helped out a little like doing dishes and he cleaned the fridge for me. It's just painful bcuz he can go from perfectly kind to absolutely awful in the blink of an eye, it's sort of like I'm always on the edge of my seat. I did want to mention that he has done some nice things so that I'm not always talking about just the bad things he does. It doesn't mean he's changed but at least he's making an effort in those areas and I know he's capable of being unselfish.
Right now I'm struggling with how to bring up the situation we were talking about on the Guard thread... Any suggestions?
Wow, your husband is a real piece o' work! He refers to himself as the "spiritual head of the family"? What a joke.....
Anyway, just tell your husband to tell his family that you cannot attend the Sunday festivities because you are doubled over in serious pain from a urinary tract infection and your irritable bowel syndrome is acting up and you're feeling miserable and exhausted from the pain. That should settle the question and shut all of them up.
I'm really impressed that you're making progress in your dealings with your husband. You're really gaining confidence and standing your ground and it's good to see. And I agree that your best strategy is to just stick with your plan to go to the marriage counselor tonight. He'll probably realize how determined you are and he'll go along.
As far as bringing up the subject of the rape incident discussed in the other thread is concerned, I would say that the best strategy would be to bring that up when the two of you are sitting with the marriage counselor. That way you have a neutral third party (and a professional) to help deal with the fallout. If you try to bring that up at home your husband will probably just explode and hurl a lot of accusations at you. At the marriage counselor you could just start out by saying "I want to discuss an incident that my husband told me about that occurred in his life several years ago and I'm concerned about it...." and just take it from there.
This is just a side issue, but I have heard from friends and read in women's health articles that bubble baths can be bad for urinary tract infections. The chemicals in some of these bubble bath mixtures can be irritating, plus a person is soaking in them for an extended period of time. One friend was telling me that she had tried one of those large tablets that you drop in the bath water and then it starts dissolving and fizzing up in the water to create the bubbles. Directly after she used one of these she developed a UTI.
Anyway, you deserve a day just to rest and recover a bit. Just take Sunday for yourself.
Yes, I could tell him to tell them that. And that would also be true. But I don't think it matters what I tell him to say as he doesn't actually care what I tell him to say. I'm not going to waste any more energy on it with him.
Thank you for your encouragement. When I asked about bringing up the 'incident' I was asking how to bring it up in the counseling session. My husband will see it as severe betrayal. He may deny it. He will be very offended and angry. It will be in a safe place with the counselor there, but I'm still afraid of his anger. Also since to him it will be betrayal I'm wondering about the ethics of bringing it up? I mean I talked about it with my counselor but that's different than talking about it while he's sitting right next to me...
I would ask your counselor privately if it would be wise to bring it up at all. I'm not sure how it would help to bring it up in front of him in the first place. Other than for you to get clarification of what really happened. But I'd ask your counselor first if that would be wise.
I agree about the bubble bath thing, I've always gotten lots of UTI's growing up because I have double kidneys & ureters. Bubble baths were always off limits for me, because they can induce a UTI. What can help is to put a 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar in a bath and soak in that. The vinegar can help kill off any bacteria in that area. Also do you know about Azo or Uristat? You could check with your doc and see if you can take one of those, the medication in them is called pyridium, all it does is ease the pain of the UTI while the antibiotics are working. Just helps get you through the worst of it while you're waiting for the meds to do their job.
About the thing with hubby, that is not lying in any way to say you have "other plans" instead of just being at home. That's a tactful way to decline without being rude. And your husband should absolutely go without you. Husbands and wives need time apart to relax, grow, reflect, and then miss each other a little bit. When they spend every waking moment together it can suffocate one or both spouses. We need our time away, to laugh with girlfriends (or hubby with guy friends), to spread our wings a little bit. It's not healthy to expect your spouse to do every little thing together.
Well you had a very good suggestion, I guess I didn't phrase the question very well lol.
I've talked to my counselor about it, and I mentioned it again yesterday when I saw her. I think my husband doesn't acknowledge that he has some very serious problems and that the incident is an example of a very serious problem, and also something that disturbs me greatly. And the fact that he didn't tell me about this incident and many other things is evidence that he is not the person I thought he was before we got married and he needs to stop kidding himself. When I talked about it with my counselor, she said what some people on here said, that I ought to be careful bcuz someone like that is capable of doing something to me, especially in a moment of anger. She felt that our marriage counselor should know about it.
However I've been thinking about it and I don't think there's a good way to bring it up without being very hurtful or offensive. I was thinking that since our marriage counselor is going to meet with us each individually one more time in the next few weeks that I might wait til I speak to him individually and voice my concerns about it. I think in waiting I'll be able to think more about how to approach it, or whether it needs to be approached at all. There might be enough evidence without mentioning that incident, to be able to put before my husband and encourage him to see that he has deep down issues.
I would like very much for him to realize he needs help and to seek it through counseling, not just for my sake but for his as well. There is stuff he's just not dealing with and he really needs to or he'll destroy himself.
You know what, you and Ggarett have a good point. My FIL is the only one I'm concerned about in this situation and he's also the only one who wouldn't have a problem with it if he knew I had a legitimate health concern. I will let him know if need be. Thanks for the wisdom!
Oh goodness I forgot to thank you for warning me about the bubble bath. It is funny that I don't think about those kinds of things! I haven't taken one in over a year and in my excitement i never would have thought about them being dangerous. Thanks!
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