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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Hmmm? My Daughters Boyfriend.
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GuardSquealer posted:
My wife and I are hoping that my daughter will soon end her relationship with the boy she has been dating for about a year soon.

He lacks any motivation. And while they most have fun together, I just don't see how.

My daughter is a very hard worker, and he will just sit in the house while she is out working in the barn. If it were me I would be out there working beside her.

I am not sure what happened to my other thread. Apparently the whole thread was deleted. And I never had a chance to read the responses.

When I first met him I was very impressed that he was an engineering student and seemed to be motivated. He has since changed majors several times. And no longer has much drive.

He also was a handsome young man. He has since lost a bunch of weight. Is way to skinny, doesn't keep his hair neat. Has a scraggly goatee, and basically looks like shaggy from Scooby Doo.

He eats poorly and his eating habits have carried over to my daughter. And she is starting to have some health issues I believe that are caused by her poor eating habits.

Basically what I was saying is that I was no longer going to enable him to just be a bum at my house. If he is going to hang out there all the time he is going to be required to pitch in. If he doesn't want to he can go else where and sit all day.

I know I can't choose her boyfriends, but I don't have to make it easy on him to be a bum at my expense. It costs me for him to be around in the form of food, utilities and other expenses.

Now I am curious what I missed.
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GuardSquealer responded:
I don't know if anyone can see the other thread. But I can't unless I go in under my name and it is there. Rather weird.

He is being treated for his depression and migraines. He is on quite a few prescriptions. I am not sure what all he takes. But he blames them for his loss of appetite.

I don't really dislike the kid. He hasn't done anything bad. And it isn't even that he isn't good enough for her. It is just that he is so different than her. And it isn't an opposite attracts thing.

I am sure it will all work out.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to GuardSquealer's response:
That is strange, like you I can see the other thread when I pull you up by name, but it's not in the list on the main page. Weird.

Anyway, IDK about this, of course you want the best for your daughter, but she has to make her own decisions. At the same time, I don't think it's bad to involve this guy in some stuff around the place. I think if he were to be wanting to be in your good graces he needs to step up to the plate anyway. So telling him he needs to help out a little I don't think would be overstepping it.
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
I think it's a great idea for you to tell him he needs to pitch in. He absolutely should be helping out. What you're going to do is teaching him how to treat you, so to speak.

The best thing is that you are going to show your daughter it is okay to set standards and require things from her man. As long as you go to him and talk with him about it. If you went thru her I think she would be defensive and feel sorry for him. But this way it's all put on him and she knows it's all on him to do what is required of him.

Even if she feels defensive at first about it don't worry. Just stand your ground about it and I 100% believe this will help her in the long run to require these things in a mate. What you want for her IS Important to her. It's always important to a daughter, more so for you because you two are so close. However, she's not gonna say that to you (not now at least).

This is going to be a lesson learned from watching you. I think she cares for him and wants to help him from watching you care for people all the time and in the case of your mom, no matter what. So again, showing her it's alright to require something from him will be a great benefit for her.

As for the eating bad food, I think it's stupid. I'm not sure how or if to handle that. Maybe show him a website that gives 'food triggers' for migraines so he can see for himself what he's doing. Past that though he's being stupid and oh well. He's maybe sucking up being a bum....I kinda find it hard someone would purposefully go thru migraines, but ya never know.

The key here is to just start with getting him off his butt at your house. Either pitch in or go somewhere else -- it's not that hard. Who knows, maybe he'll step up and start acting like a real man, AND work up a proper appetite!! Sometimes people really NEED to have someone require things from them. GL
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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cjh1203 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
It seems like you're being sort of dismissive of the effects of his depression and migraines and the medications he takes for them.

You said he wasn't always like this. He's obviously having a real struggle with his emotional and physical health right now, so this probably isn't the real him -- this is him suffering from depression, migraines and the effects of his medications.

If his meds have caused him to lose so much weight, and if he's still completely unmotivated to do anything, it sounds like he may need to have the medications evaluated and adjusted. He should be able to get to the point where he's on a pretty even keel.

In the meantime, I don't think it's a bad thing to have him help your daughter, but are you going to pay him for it? It's her job, and I presume you pay her for it. It's not his job, so if he helps her, it seems like he should get paid. In any case, I do think helping her would be good for him.
 
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Spankyrae responded:
This was my previous response:

Eh... I understand that as a parent, there's that "no one is good enough for my kid" mentality, but I think there should be a concern for their relationship beyond the typical concern. Guard, with your wife being alcoholic, your daughter has a strong possibility for also ending up in a codependent relationship.

Even if he's not in drugs and simply depressed, she may feel she can save him, which is also codependent. On top of that, the things you've expressed to us about him make him out to be a concern also. Hadn't they broken up before and he was basically harassing her?

I get too that as a parent, there comes a time that you have to learn to let go and allow your adult child learn on their own. But with this case, I wouldn't be completely detached. I don't really know what to say because I'm still learning how to deal with my sister being with a controlling & abusive man. I do think though, that even as much as you tell her this isn't healthy, you also have to set an example of what a healthy relationship is. I'm not intending to sound preachy; I just hope you can see how addiction/codependency has a tendency to be passed down to kids.
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GuardSquealer responded:
Another thing is that when he isn't around my daughter is much for fun to be around. Her spirits are brighter and she is more cheerful. It is almost gloomy when he walks in. Seems he has a gray cloud hanging over his head and it spreads all over her room when he shows up.

I love it when I get up for work and walk into the kitchen and my wife and daughter are watching some goofy competition type show making fun of everyone. They laugh and have a good time. The house seems fun. I know those days are slowly drifting away. And soon she may not be around at all. But I still enjoy her company.

We drove to kentucky today to pick up her show horses for a show this weekend. Had to have someone ride them for her while her arm was broke.

She was so excited as this trainer is a someone we never worked with before and he has her horses rocking and rolling. This is going to be a fun weekend. My buddy that goes with us just got back from a three day clinic in Texas so he is ready to compete to. And all of our horses will be arriving in a shiny new trailer. I can't wait to get there.

Wish I could save time in a bottle.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to GuardSquealer's response:
Interesting how you described him as having a gray cloud over his head. That's exactly what depression does to someone. They look at the world and all their experiences through darkened glasses. I wonder if his depression is not being adequately managed. He might want to get re-evaluated by his doctor.

Your daughter probably feels sorry for him, and I'm guessing the way she acts while he's there (not as much fun) is because he's down and out and she is sort of acting in step with his mood. I do that too with people, if they are quiet I talk more quietly, if they are excited and bubbly I will laugh and smile more, if they are somber I act accordingly. It feels jarring to be loud and boisterous when I know the other person is sad. I'm just guessing that's what she's doing, trying to be kind to him and not be laughing so much when he's down.

Sounds like you have a fun weekend ahead of you! Enjoy it!

Me and the fam are getting ready to head for the airport, we're flying to OR to visit my family there. I'll be there for two weeks so y'all might not see me around much.
 
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cjh1203 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Have a great time!
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to alaska_mommy's response:
Oh, hey yeah, have a great time! Thanks for the heads up that you'll be gone. It may be silly but I do actually start to worry about people on here! Some I know just don't post as much but still come around (like BLP, IslandL, Nagging, Kristen, etc).....so yeah thanks
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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Ggarret responded:
It really could be drugs dont dismiss it.
 
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alaska_mommy replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Thanks you two! Made it safe to OR and I'm at my mom's now. Heading for bed but wanted to check in...I might not be on much but I'll probably pop in here and there just to see what everyone is up to! Night night.
 
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GuardSquealer responded:
So today my daughter had to go to Kentucky to pick up our horses and bring them back for a big show here in town. We pretty much have been preparing for the show for the last couple of months. Entry fees had to be paid at the end of August. Since she broke her elbow I had to send her horses to a trainer, since she couldn't do it herself. We have been going to Kentucky to practice. etc. etc. etc.

I get a camper every year and my daughter stays all week at the show. I enjoy having the camper there and like the fact that if I stay late I can stay there also. Plus having a fridge and stuff make it nice.

Before she left I said that I didn't think her boyfriend should hang around there much and he needed to look a little more appropriate. Dress a little better and comb his hair and shave he looks like a bum.

So she starts crying saying that he had taken the week off so he could spend the whole week with her at the show. And that she didn't know that I didn't like him. I told her that it wasn't that I didn't like him, but I have spent thousands of dollars to enjoy this week, and he isn't much fun to be around. So I told her whatever, but that I wasn't real happy about it. And before it was over she had the nerve to ask me to buy a $70 dollar show pass for his vehicle so he can drive back and forth to school. I told her no way. If he wants to ruin the week for me so bad, he can buy his own pass.

I really have tried to buddy up to the kid, but he is just socially backwards. To bad you can't will somebody to disappear.

So before she
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to GuardSquealer's response:
Wow.

He's bold, isn't he?
 
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FCL replied to GuardSquealer's response:
I doubt I would have let him come. How dare he not even ask you if he could come before taking a week off? Who does he think he is? He more or less invited himself on your holiday! (Given how much you seem to enjoy this week I'd see it as a holiday ) And it's not as if you get many of those, do you?

(Evil grin) Now that it looks as if you're stuck with him, why not invest in a cheap tent for him so you don't have to share your camper?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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