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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    getting away
    naggingwife74 posted:
    Have you ever had one of those weeks (months) that you feel like you just need to get away? That has been my mood for the last few weeks and I just can't seem to snap out of it. It is impossible for my dbf and I to take a week off at the same time because we work together so one of us has to be at work to cover when the other one is gone. It sucks. I have been trying so hard to find a different job but it just isn't easy, and I have a degree! Lot of good that did! ;o)

    Anyways, we do like to take weekends and go out of town for a couple of days. I was hoping that tonight when I got home from work we could hop in the car and just drive out of town and spend the night in a hotel. Go swimming with the kids, eat out and just relax. Well last night at about 7:30 my son started throwing up and at 10:30 my daughter did the same. That lasted until 3:30 this morning. So going out of town isn't going to happen.

    I really have been feeling trapped. I don't know why. I know a lot of it has to do with us not being able to go on a vacation together but that can't get fixed until a job comes along for one of us. Sometimes I think we are starting to disconnect but then others I feel like we are closer then ever. I am rambling a lot because I just can't put all of my thoughts and emotions in an understandable order!

    There is a part of me that feels a little lonely. Don't know why, my dbf and kids are home with me every night! But me and dbf dont cuddle on the couch as much, we don't have sex as much (sorry tmi), we just don't bond as much. What is sad is that I realize all of this but when we go to bed, I just can't get in the mood! He wants forplay, lots of kissing and rubbing. I want a quicky, then I want to go to sleep! What the heck is my problem?

    Last ramble then I will let your eyes rest, if you've made it this far. I also feel like I want to go away, by myself. No kids, no dbf, no family. I just want to take a weekend and stay at a hotel, order room service and be alone. I want to be alone to cry, to watch whatever I want to watch on tv, to order room service and eat on the bed while watching tv. You know, just a break from life kind of thing. It's weird, I don't know why I feel like I need that but I really do feel like I need that. My dbf would never understand that. He would not be too happy if I told him I wanted to go away by myself for the weekend! He loves having me and the kids around all of the time. He doesn't really need alone time so he has a hard time understanding that I do.

    Okay, I am done. I really just needed to let all of that out. I know that nobody here can fix any of this, I think I just needed to tell someone that wasn't going to start asking me if I wasn't happy in our relationship. (that is what dbf would do, he would think it was something he needed to change) And I really am happy in my relationship and I love my kids, sometimes I just want some "me" time!

    Thanks for listening. I will now go back and re-read all of that and see how rambly it was!
    cjh1203 responded:
    I understand about not being able to get away together, and it bites. My husband and I had a business when we lived in Virginia, so it was really hard for us to get away at he same time, too. We tried it once for four days and it was a total nightmare. We had a couple of employees that we thought would be able to keep things under control, and it was like their brains blew up while we were gone. They totally fell apart and all of the other employees followed. The only time we could take off at the same time was when we closed for a week between Christmas and New Year's.

    We were lucky, though, that we've never had a problem with separate vacations (we do also go places together), so he could take time off to go to the Bahamas with friends, and I could visit my parents in Florida or my best friend in England.

    It would be really hard for me to be with someone like your boyfriend who doesn't need time alone!

    Do you think he would be reasonably OK with you just taking one night to yourself (at least to begin with)? I agree with you about staying at a hotel alone and ordering room service -- to me, there's not much better in life than that!

    I think that most relationships go through the kind of doldrums you seem to be in now. Maybe part of it is worry about your son, and part of it is that you and he can't get away together.

    Could you and he make plans to get away for a weekend without the kids, so maybe you can reignite some of the romance? (But still try to get a hotel night to yourself sometime, too.)

    Hope your kids are better, and that you and BF don't get sick.
    naggingwife74 replied to cjh1203's response:
    I thought about that seperate vacation thing last year. The problem I think I have is I can't think of anyone else I would rather travel with. I love going out of town with him, he is so much fun to be with! About 3 years ago I planned a trip to Disneyland for him and I for his 30th birthday. He was on vacation that week and I took that Thursday & Friday off. We flew out on Thursday and came home on Sunday. We spent 3 days in Disney and had the most fun I have had in my life! We did whatever we wanted together and just really had the best time. I want to do that again! We went back to Disney in March of this year for my son's 18th birthday. Just the 3 of us, we left the 2 little ones at home. It was fun, but it wasn't the same. I don't think I could go to Disneyland without my daughter again, that might put me in a bad mother category!

    We do need to get away together without the kids. It's hard to leave them overnight. Not because we don't have parents to watch them but because we both have a hard time leaving them. Also, we don't get to do the family vacation thing so when we go away on the weekends it's hard to not have them with us, like a mini family thing.

    It is hard to be with his personality sometimes. I mean the part of him that doesn't need time to himself. I have to have that time to myself, I always have. I love it! He is starting to understand it but an overnight by myself would be hard to make him understand. I am going to work on it though.

    Thank you for the well wishes for my kids. They seem to be feeling a little better today but dbf and I both are starting to get upset stomaches. Should make for such a romantic weekend!
    naggingwife74 replied to cjh1203's response:
    And yes, I agree that some of my issues have to do with my son being away and the worrying about him. Although, I am starting to feel a lot better about what he is doing. I don't feel sad all of the time and I don't cry everyday anymore. I get to talk to him more and everytime we do talk, he sounds so happy and satisfied with what he is doing. That makes me feel so much better! I also get to call him so I am not just sitting and waiting for his call. That was the hardest part, I had no say in when we got to talk to each other. What can I say; I'm a control freak!
    tmlmtlrl replied to naggingwife74's response:
    I'm not sure where you are and I know this doesn't solve your problem, but is there some woods or just nature area that you could go for a walk alone, take some deep breathes, and listen to the birds sing and the leaves falling? Or maybe just some back roads you could go cruise around slowly with the windows down (or not) and take in all around you?

    Sorry if that sounds like crazy hippy talk, but for me it's great therapy. Maybe a quick way to rejuvenate?
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    Foreverinyoureyes2 responded:
    Have I ever felt that way? How about every day of my freakin' life!

    Today, Steve is in St. Louis with his dad at a doctors appointment. Alex has an othordontist appointment at 3:20. Cori has to be picked up at 3:05, and Lanie and Joe will walk home from school and someone has to be there to meet them at 3: 15. It's all worked out. Mal is going to take Al to the ortho and I will do the rest. But wholly cow, if I stop to think about it, it is totally overwhelming.

    And fair or not, all of the sudden changes and extra running seems to fall to the mom. Not because Steve wouldn't help, but just because all 5 of those kids automatically call me first. I wish I had a dime for every forgotten book bag I have delivered and sick kid I have picked up from school, because I was the one that got the call.

    Please don't get me wrong. I would not change one second of my life for anything, but just because I love to be the mom, does not mean it doesn't get on top of me every now and again.

    And tmi right back at you...Steve and I are down to 2 nights a week of intimate time because everything is hectic. So I feel you on every level.

    Everyone else has offered good advice. I am just offering solidarity from a sister who feels your pain.

    I say we all load up on a party bus and head down to cjh's for the weekend. Can you imagine the analyzing and soul searching that we could all do in person?! My brain would explode, but in a good way.

    Take care of yourself, keep posting, and know that I am sending you good karma and warm thoughts!
    queston replied to Foreverinyoureyes2's response:
    Our counselor suggested trying to set aside a minimum of 1/2 hour per day of pure husband/wife time. It could be sex, just talking, going for a walk, snuggling on the couch, whatever.

    I would say that we have failed miserably at implementing this approach, but that we are happier when we at least try and create that time.

    I do think that modern parents tend to be if anything a little too attentive to our kids. If we let them fend for themselves just a little more, and used that bit of extra time and energy to tend to our partners, our families would probably be healthier and happier.
    naggingwife74 replied to queston's response:
    You all have given me great suggestions, thank you. I love to go for drives with the windows down, radio up, I may have to do that this weekend.

    Queston, it's funny that you mention the 30 minutes a day. Up until about a year and a half ago my favorite thing to do would be go to the bedroom when dbf got home and lay on the bed while he changed his clothes. Then he would lay down with me and we would talk. I loved that, I looked forward to it everyday. There was never a time limit, we just layed together until we were both done or we had to help our dd do something. Sometimes she would even lay there with us. My teenager never wanted to lay there with us, I don't know why? ;o) But then my 2nd son was born and I didn't go in the room as much when he came home or he would not change after work because he had something to do when he got home. Now that you made me think about that, I may have to bring that back. I really loved that.

    FIYE - I know that you can relate to what i'm saying! The 2 of you have so much more going on then dbf and I do! Sometimes it really does feel like life just gets too busy and too crazy and you just don't have time to sit and watch your kids play in the dirt or sit on the patio and just talk without getting up to move the sprinkler or pick up a toy. I think the thing that I have to remind myself is that I don't have to do all of that stuff. I can sit and visit or play with my kids or dbf (you know I meant visit with dbf and play with kids not the other way around!)(although, he would like it the other way around!)

    I agree with you, I love being in the mom role too and wouldn't give it up for anything. But we all need those times to just be women and not mom, not wife (girlfriend), not daughter. Just a woman that needs some room service and an ice cream while she watches Judge Judy!

    Thanks everyone, you really have helped me a lot! I am going to do something for myself this weekend. I don't know what and it may be small but darnit, it will be something. I will also give my dbf some attention that he needs because I know that he wants that as much as I want alone time so I shouldn't just ignore it. (wow, that probably was too much information!)
    naggingwife74 replied to queston's response:
    I couldn't agree more with your last paragraph. If we focused on each other more and didn't try to fix every fight with the 2 youngest kids everytime they fought over a toy we would be so much happier. I need to learn to just let them figure it out for 20 minutes because talking to dbf is the most important thing right now.

    If mom and dad are happy in their lives and in their relationship that will always trickle down into the kids. My kids love to see dbf and I kiss. A peck kiss, not a big kiss. They think it is so funny and it makes them want to give us a kiss. I love it.
    stephs_3_kidz responded:
    Not rambly at all. I kwym.

    Everybody suffers from burnout from time to time. It's natural. I've been ITCHING to get away. It just gives you a break from the same old everyday stuff. I understand, completely.

    Especially with sick kids, sometimes I feel so completely overwhelmed. As far as the sex goes, wanting to have a quickie and then go to sleep--I think everybody goes through that, too. I find that I love the connection we get from sex but sometimes I'm just so tired (and so is DH) that we do end up having a lot of quickies. And I think we're both fine with it. (With 4 kids, I think he's just thankful that we still make time for it. LOL)

    But anyway. You're not alone. Vent away.

    naggingwife74 replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    I have to have quickies with 2 kids (3 but the oldest is moved out), if I had 4 kids they would have to be speedies!

    I am always tired, that contributes to the lack of desire for sex. I am sure it is because of my current diet and lack of exercise. I keep saying that I need to walk in the morning or at night, that might help. But I'm too tired to do it! Maybe I will start slow, like taking a multi vitamin then work up to taking a walk!

    Thanks for the hug! Sorry I wasn't here to give you one yesterday.
    Foreverinyoureyes2 replied to naggingwife74's response:

    I JUST got back to the gym this week.

    Going to the gym for me is not about working out, losing weight or anything else.

    It is about ME time. On Monday night Steve and I took a calendar to bed with us, and we put down everything that happens day to day. And believe me, its a lot.

    Monday: Lanie: violin lessons from 4:30-5:30, Cori viola lessons from 5:30-6:30

    Tuesday: Cori: Ochestra 7:15 am - Lanie-Volleyball 4:00 -5:00pm

    Wednesday: Alex bass guitar lessons from 7:30 - 8:00

    Thursday: Cori-Ochestra 7:15am /Lanie Volleyball 4:00-5:00

    Friday: Lanie Ochestra 4:30-5:30

    Sunday: Cori and Lanie private music lessons from 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm

    Alex does track in the spring. Cori does volleyball in the spring as well. Steve has a private business out of our garage that keeps him busy.

    So anyway. We went thru and put from 4:45-6:00 pm / Becca gym. Every Mon-Thurs. It is scheduled. It is an obligation now, not just a "perk" or a "if it works out" etc...

    Steve pointed out that everyone in this house has a 'thing' that I schedule and accomodate. I am the only person that schedules only around everyone else. He decided that is unacceptable.

    So, long story short...I now have gym hour AND friday night is our date night, so I am getting enought "me" time to sustain and revuniate me.

    I only mention it, because maybe YOU need that. Maybe you need to write on the calendar, "Nagging walks for 30 mins" every single day that you can reasonable accomodate it. Kwim? If your peditrician said, "DD HAS to walk every day for 30 mins.:" You would find a way to work that in to EVERY single day. Why are you not THAT important?

    What if the peditrician said, "Nagging would be a better wife and mom if she walked everyday for 30 mins, all by herself." What would you do? Would you find the time? Find a way??

    Just food for thought.
    Anon_51772 replied to queston's response:
    This is an interesting comment. I am having frustrations with my spouse and my teenagers right now.
    queston replied to Anon_51772's response:
    I've been through, and am finally seeing the light, a very difficult period with my with and teenagers, esp. my 17 yo daughter.

    A huge problem problem we were having was my wife and I not being on the same team, her undermining me with my daughter, and so on.

    I think raising teenagers is really, really hard: the toughest part of parenting. If you let it, it will take a heavy toll on one's marriage. You've really got to be on the same frequency.
    Anon_51772 replied to queston's response:
    Wow, that's where I am too. My 16 year old son shows great irritation with my simple faux pas. And to make it worse, my husband behaves badly with me also when we have misunderstandings.
    It doesn't help that we also have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old daughter who have their own communication issues to bring into the mix, but currently their issues are less offensive.

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