Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Announcements

This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
What keeps you faithful?
avatar
GuardSquealer posted:
There has been a lot of discussion on here about affairs and remaining faithful. Mix matched libidos and no interest at all in sex. Abusive spouses and unhappy homes.

Some people on these boards talk like once they began dating their spouse they never looked at another member of the opposite sex. Yet some seem to stray every time they get a chance.

Some believe their spouses would never look at another man or woman with a lustful thought. And others are uneasy every time their SO leaves the house.

So what keeps you faithful in a relationship? Are you faithful on all levels? Can you be in need of emotional support from someone else even if your sexual needs are being fulfilled. Maybe your emotional needs are fulfilled but your sexual needs aren't.

Is it easier for the extremely religious to remain faithful? Seems a lot of religious leaders have had affairs.

Is it just because it is the right thing to do, even if you feel your needs aren't being met?

I am just curious how or why you remain faithful. And if the extremely faithful ever at least fantasize about not being so faithful.

Just starting a conversation not trying to start a feud.
Reply
 
avatar
FCL responded:
Faithful is my default setting It's not something I consciously do, I just am. And I'm an atheist so there is no religious background. Why am I faithful? Why wouldn't I be?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
avatar
BalconyBelle replied to FCL's response:
For me, it comes down to respect. Personally, I'd end my relationship before stepping outside it, and chances are I'd end my relationship long before scanning for a replacement. When a relationship deteriorates, I try to fix it, then end it if it isn't working out--and it takes me quite a while to even consider a relationship or intimacy with anyone else.

Monogamy comes naturally to me; when I'm in a relationship, I don't see other people as potential partners--I already have one. I'm also possessive enough that I expect monogamy in return. I am not going to willingly share someone in that way, and I will end a relationship if I've been cheated on. Forgiveness isn't the same as tolerance, and I have no tolerance for infidelity, being betrayed, or people who break their word. A partner who cheats on me is guilty of all three.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
avatar
queston responded:
As others have said, monogamy is the default for me--it comes naturally. Even before I was married, I had a series of long-term girlfriends and did very little "playing the field."

To answer another of your questions: do I fantasize about not being so faithful? Of course. Like most men, I think about sex all the time, sometimes in inappropriate ways, and objectify women like crazy in my inner thoughts. Sorry, women, that's just how we are. I really think it's how we're wired. I may not be in control of what thoughts pop into my head, but I am in control of the choices I make.
 
avatar
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I have to agree with monogamy just being who I am. I'm a faithful person, I see marriage as a union between two people and that's pretty much it.

I've no reason to stray, mentally, physically, whatever. Do I think my husband always keeps his eyes straight ahead and never looks? Um, no. I'm not an idiot. But do I think he oogles women with bad intent?

No. I trust him. He's a good guy who's very focused on his wife and children and work.
 
avatar
mrslee97658 responded:
I'm faithful to my husband because he is the only person I want to be with. I don't picture myself with anyone else so I guess it just comes natural to me in this relationship. He is faithful to me because I believe he feels the same. I have been hurt badly in previous relationships where the guy always cheated on me that in turn led to me cheating on them to "get back at them". But when I met DH I just knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and ever since then we have been faithful to eachother. I guess you learn more as you get older and being faithful to your spouse or SO is one of those things you learn.
 
avatar
kristinmarie722 responded:
I am not good at keeping secrets, plotting or planning.

Ha Ha

With my SO, he sastifies every need that I have, so I dont have a reason to even think about another guy. Plus I would never want to hurt him or hurt what we have.
In general, I am more of a 1 guy gal. Even when I have been in bad relationships with a SO that cheated on me, to me the thought never occurred. I have had 3 serious relationships where the first 2 cheated on me and it sucked.
 
avatar
wwilson89 replied to kristinmarie722's response:
Great topic Guard! That's why I miss this board. Opportunities to think about why I do what I do in my relationship.

I am faithful these days in my relationship because I don't like the drama that cheating comes with. Sure, it also has to do with respecting my DH and wanting my family to be together, but I'd be lying if I didn't fantasize about other people sometimes especially if we are going through a drought which happens from time to time due to mismatched schedules, stress, just not feeling up to it. Like Queston said though, I control my actions.

I had an ex-boyfriend, and I used to cheat on him a lot. Afterwards, I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to stop. Over time though, I got tired of lying (which I'm pretty awful at) and covering my tracks and sneaking around to do something I wanted to do. Here I am a grown woman, and I'm sneaking around like a teenager. I mean, I want freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it, and that wasn't fair to him at all. It was definitely a growing experience and shaped how I feel about being a cheater. Feeling guilty all the time is not a good feeling. On the flip side, I've been on the other side and have been cheated on. The aftermath was NOT good. Crying all day, being worried about where he was going and if he was really going there, looking up phone records and hacking into email/social networking accounts, and then not fully knowing what I would do if I found anything. Plus, I just felt stupid for letting him do this and sticking around. I mean, why was I hunting for evidence if I wasn't going to do anything about it?

In my current relationship, we both like things drama free. I don't want to deal with the arguing, the checking up on each other, the distrust, the stress, and all the other negative stuff that comes with being a cheater/being with a cheater. I'd just as soon be alone than deal with all that b.s.
 
avatar
MissCaptainKirk responded:
I'm like my dad, we are just monogamous people. He doesn't look at other women or even flirt with them even if they flirt with him. He's very hurt a lot bcuz my mom accuses him of flirting with other women and I'm sure as a man it's not easy for him but he still never does it.

I'm faithful just bcuz I am. I've read/currently read books like about tantric stuff and experimenting and whatever, but I read it bcuz I want to try it with my husband and I fantasize A LOT about him but I don't fantasize about other men. In my dreams when I am actually asleep I dream about fantasies with women but i can't really help that.
Guys flirt with me a lot, especially where I work and bcuz I go to the gym a lot, but I don't flirt back. It just isn't something I feel like doing, it doesn't feel right. (Lots of girls flirt with me too, me and my sister get that a lot, but I don't flirt back with them either lol.) I always think, what if my husband were standing right next to me? And so I don't do it.

My husband is an electrician and currently works with all guys, but if he ever switches to a job where he works with women I'm pretty sure he'd end up full-on cheating. Actually I think if any woman offered herself to him, especially if he was out drinking with his old friends, he'd cheat on me. I guess some people just can't stay faithful, they're wired differently. I wouldn't be surprised if I walked in the door one day and he was with another woman. I get a stomachache if I leave him home by himself. Nothing I can do though.
I don't think I could ever cheat, even if I am really sexually frustrated right now I'm not interested in getting satisfaction from someone else.

I think if I ever got divorced I wouldn't marry again, but for religious reasons I wouldn't have sex with someone I'm not married to (personal preference). So I think religion does affect our sexual choices.

Good topic, BTW, Guard. Interesting to read everyone's different answers.
 
avatar
queston replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
One of the things I love about this board is that it;s mostly women, so it can provide me with some possible women's perspectives on relationship issues.

So, think of this as me returning the favor.

I think some of you are being a little naive about the men in your lives and whether or not they think about women other than their spouses sexually. I can virtually guarantee that they do.

I'm sure that I think of at least 10 women (in addition to my wife) in a sexual way every single day. I'm not some horny kid--I'm a 47-year-old "pillar of the community" and a completely faithful spouse. I could describe in mind-boggling detail the physical features of the bodies of women I casually know, although I couldn't tell you their eye color.

If we were all in a room together, within the first few minutes I'd have subconsciously taken notice of who has a great body, and probably even sub categories: who has the best breasts, the most shapely butt, etc. It's not that I see women only as sexual objects, but I can't not see them that way (in addition to all the other ways I might see them).

And I'm pretty sure that makes me a typical man. I've never ever heard a man deny thinking these same things unless he was in the presence of women when the question was asked.

Again, it's all about controlling the choice we make, of how we are going to act on our sexual thoughts. In spite of what I have said here, monogamy has always come very naturally to me.

Just because a man is monogamous doesn't mean he isn't thinking sexual thoughts about other women. He is.
 
avatar
ImMe26 replied to queston's response:
Im faithful by nature too I guess, but I will say I do fantasize about other men from time to time, I wouldnt ever act on anything, but I do find other men attractive and wonder what if...I think for me thats as far as it goes.

I too believe my SO finds other woman attractive, im attractive , so I know he knows what attractive and whats not, I have no issues with porn, magazines, or nauthy thoughts, its his minds, his thoughts and he is entitled to have his own *things* to think about. As long as he doesnt act on anything im completely open and fine with it.

My last relationship, I was very naive, I never thought in a million years , he would flirt or cheat on me, EVER, then it happened and it torn our family apart. He controlled my every move and thought, I was soo unhappy. This relationship allows me to be myself and do what I want, while still respecting the fact that I have his heart and he has mine.
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
avatar
stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
How do you know that for sure? Obviously I can't see in my husband's head but hey--he gets plenty of loving and attention at home.

I think people can control their sexual thoughts/urges. I don't have that problem, so who's to say men can't too?

No offense, but not ALL men are like that. Clearly you are super sexually frustrated within your marriage so your mind may wander more than someone who's getting sex regularly.

(Please don't take that as an insult--it's not your fault at ALL..I'm just saying why you may think about it more than others)
 
avatar
queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
You could be right. But I doubt it.

As I said, every man I've ever heard discuss this issue in a "safe" setting has agreed that they have these kinds of thoughts.
 
avatar
ImMe26 replied to ImMe26's response:
Can I also say I sit right inbetween two married men, one's wife even works here now, in a different dept, they make comments all the time about my looks, the one that married even goes as far as to comment on my boobs if Im wearing a different bra (you have to know him to not find his offensive , trust me he is harmless, and Ive known him for over 6yrs, before he was even married he was this way) how the heck would he know im wearing a differnt bra then yesterday?? He just knows and will make a comment, so they are married and still notice men and how I look, they are wonderful guys though and wouldnt ever think about cheating, their my best guy friends....
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
avatar
ImMe26 replied to ImMe26's response:
Meant the one married guy whos wife also works here....sorry.
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY


Spotlight: Member Stories

Where to begin? I am 27 years old. A single mother of 1 son who just turned 2 in October. I am currently a full time student. I love creating art. (...More

Helpful Tips

How to change my story
I went to my community profile and it would let me edit my picture and signature but would not let me change my story. I had just realized ... More
Was this Helpful?
135 of 144 found this helpful

Helpful Resources

Be the first to post a Resource!

Report Problems to the
Food and Drug Administration

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.