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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
I am a 33-year old female with one 14 -year old child. My boyfriend has recently decided to stop having sex with me because he says my vagina is out of shape and he can't feel anything or finish. We didn't have this problem at first (he never said anything). He is a recovering cocaine user (3 years sober). He seems to be putting the blame for the entire thing on me, but I feel we both have problems. I have begun using kegel weights and doing kegels, doing research and getting books on things to help us. He has suggested an open relationship, but I am severely opposed to this. Any advice, feedback, or whatever would be greatly appreciated.
He tells me that for him, sex is just sex. But if so, I don't know why it's so important to him, then. I mean, it is important to a relationship. He does have some hangers-on who would spread their legs in a heartbeat. Our relationship is pretty good. We have good days and bad days, mostly good, like any relationship. I know that he loves me. I don't doubt that. But it makes me feel like a failure, that I'm not good enough because I can't give him what he needs in this area. I have been doing my kegels religiously. I have gotten books on everything from talking dirty to how to give a great bj. I have ordered (but not received yet or tried) vaginal tightening cream in the hopes that it will work. If it doesn't I don't know what else to do. I have exhausted every idea.
I get the impression he's just searching for something in which to blame you. He's said it's your vagina and then wants an open relationship to have sex with others? And you also said he has hangers on... I wouldn't be ok with that. That implies he has people in his life, that he could easily go to. I'm sure most of us have exes or someone we could contact to get laid right away, but does he keep these people in his life?
Just sounds like it's something deeper. Have you expressed to him how you feel? I think you guys need to have a more thorough discussion, if you haven't already, about all this and what else could be at the root of the dissatisfaction.
He does keep these people in his life. He calls and takes calls from them, even sometimes when I'm there. I seriously blew up about that one. I think he didn't think it through when he asked for a relationship. I also chat with a guy that I have been with sexually before. But I wouldn't even dream of being with him while I'm with my bf. I have actually asked this other guy about when we had sex and he said he never had a problem with my vagina or anything else. He is also a bit better endowed. I have tried to talk to him, but he knows how much the subject hurts me and now he won't even discuss it. Its possible he isn't ready for monogamy, even though he is the one who asked for it.
Regardless of what the real issue is, if you guys can't talk about it, you don't have a good shot at fixing things. Your feelings are understandably hurt, and you should be able to express that, while he should be able to hear that. And likewise, he should be able to express whatever has him wanting to have an open relationship, with you being an open listener.
I would also address the issue of his hangers-on, because it's not cool with you. (And it certainly wouldn't be with me, either!) It's one thing if these women are exes and they've remained good friends... to me, at least. I don't think there's anything wrong with having friends that are exes/past flames, if there is a genuine friendship. But I'm wondering if he's keeping them around for another reason.
If it bothers you he has "groupies," say so & stand your ground! Also remember, you can't expect him to cut ties with them if you're doing the same thing.
We have been talking about things. He still won't talk about the open relationship thing, but I did make my feelings clear on that one: no. Exes that are friends are ok with me. I have a few also. There's this one girl though that has somehow gotten him all tangled in her drama and he won't get out of it. I have asked him not to talk to that one (only that one) girl anymore and his response was "That's not going to happen". She's really the only one I have an issue with.
Agree with Stephs... he's told you a lot verbally (wanting an open relationship) and non-verbally (keeping and insisting upon back-up/plan B woman/women in his life). Ball's in your court now. You can't change his decisions, but you can change your response to them. I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but if it were me, I'd walk. I wouldn't even be able to trust him given what you've said and his desire to be with others.
You also had mentioned he's a recovering addict. Does he attend any counseling or has he in the past to help deal with this?
He has attended some counseling in the past. He's not currently in counseling. He wants to be with me, he says, but he wants to be able to be with others sexually because he says he's not satisfied. I have told him I can't do that. I will not do that because it would my self-respect. If it comes to it, I will leave, as hard as that will be because I love him.
Wow. I really hope you're learning not to take it personally or blame yourself. He expressed a concern & from what you said, made a legit effort to help... and it's still not enough?! I'm sorry you have to be in this place right now, but please hold onto that self-respect and stand your ground. There's men out there that will have no problem committing to you and cherishing your relationship. Good for you!
We've been doing a little better lately. He says that it is getting better and he can feel more. I have been using Kegel weights. I'm not blaming myself. His idea of "helping" is sleeping with other people. That's not helping. That's what this whole thing has been about. I'm not the type of person who can handle a sexually open relationship, and he knows that.
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