Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Announcements

This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
dvice ASAP!
avatar
Cakegirl32 posted:
I am a 33-year old female with one 14 -year old child. My boyfriend has recently decided to stop having sex with me because he says my vagina is out of shape and he can't feel anything or finish. We didn't have this problem at first (he never said anything). He is a recovering cocaine user (3 years sober). He seems to be putting the blame for the entire thing on me, but I feel we both have problems. I have begun using kegel weights and doing kegels, doing research and getting books on things to help us. He has suggested an open relationship, but I am severely opposed to this. Any advice, feedback, or whatever would be greatly appreciated.
Reply
FirstPrevious12NextLast
 
avatar
fcl responded:
If he can't feel anything he might consider that another possibility is that his erection is not as firm as it used to be.

How is your relationship otherwise? I would wonder whether there is another reason for his wanting an open relationship.

Do you think he wants out or that he might have someone else?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
avatar
Cakegirl32 replied to fcl's response:
He tells me that for him, sex is just sex. But if so, I don't know why it's so important to him, then. I mean, it is important to a relationship. He does have some hangers-on who would spread their legs in a heartbeat. Our relationship is pretty good. We have good days and bad days, mostly good, like any relationship. I know that he loves me. I don't doubt that. But it makes me feel like a failure, that I'm not good enough because I can't give him what he needs in this area. I have been doing my kegels religiously. I have gotten books on everything from talking dirty to how to give a great bj. I have ordered (but not received yet or tried) vaginal tightening cream in the hopes that it will work. If it doesn't I don't know what else to do. I have exhausted every idea.
 
avatar
queston replied to Cakegirl32's response:
I'm sure you've probably thought of this, but have you tried a variety of positions? Some seem to lead to more "grip" (for lack of a better term) than others.
 
avatar
Spankyrae replied to Cakegirl32's response:
I get the impression he's just searching for something in which to blame you. He's said it's your vagina and then wants an open relationship to have sex with others? And you also said he has hangers on... I wouldn't be ok with that. That implies he has people in his life, that he could easily go to. I'm sure most of us have exes or someone we could contact to get laid right away, but does he keep these people in his life?

Just sounds like it's something deeper. Have you expressed to him how you feel? I think you guys need to have a more thorough discussion, if you haven't already, about all this and what else could be at the root of the dissatisfaction.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
avatar
Cakegirl32 replied to Spankyrae's response:
He does keep these people in his life. He calls and takes calls from them, even sometimes when I'm there. I seriously blew up about that one. I think he didn't think it through when he asked for a relationship. I also chat with a guy that I have been with sexually before. But I wouldn't even dream of being with him while I'm with my bf. I have actually asked this other guy about when we had sex and he said he never had a problem with my vagina or anything else. He is also a bit better endowed. I have tried to talk to him, but he knows how much the subject hurts me and now he won't even discuss it. Its possible he isn't ready for monogamy, even though he is the one who asked for it.
 
avatar
Cakegirl32 replied to queston's response:
We have tried some different positions. But I really don't think the entire problem is me. I believe he is having some ed problems for some reason but doesn't want to admit it.
 
avatar
stephs_3_kidz responded:
I am 33 also, I have had 4 children, married for 15 years. My husband has never had a problem not "feeling" anything.

I would be willing to bet that is NOT the issue here. Don't beat yourself up over this.
 
avatar
Spankyrae replied to Cakegirl32's response:
Regardless of what the real issue is, if you guys can't talk about it, you don't have a good shot at fixing things. Your feelings are understandably hurt, and you should be able to express that, while he should be able to hear that. And likewise, he should be able to express whatever has him wanting to have an open relationship, with you being an open listener.

I would also address the issue of his hangers-on, because it's not cool with you. (And it certainly wouldn't be with me, either!) It's one thing if these women are exes and they've remained good friends... to me, at least. I don't think there's anything wrong with having friends that are exes/past flames, if there is a genuine friendship. But I'm wondering if he's keeping them around for another reason.

If it bothers you he has "groupies," say so & stand your ground! Also remember, you can't expect him to cut ties with them if you're doing the same thing.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
avatar
Cakegirl32 replied to Spankyrae's response:
We have been talking about things. He still won't talk about the open relationship thing, but I did make my feelings clear on that one: no. Exes that are friends are ok with me. I have a few also. There's this one girl though that has somehow gotten him all tangled in her drama and he won't get out of it. I have asked him not to talk to that one (only that one) girl anymore and his response was "That's not going to happen". She's really the only one I have an issue with.
 
avatar
stephs_3_kidz replied to Cakegirl32's response:
Then you are at a crossroads. You either have to accept his behavior, or choose to move on. You're not going to change him, he's made that clear.
 
avatar
Spankyrae replied to Cakegirl32's response:
Agree with Stephs... he's told you a lot verbally (wanting an open relationship) and non-verbally (keeping and insisting upon back-up/plan B woman/women in his life). Ball's in your court now. You can't change his decisions, but you can change your response to them. I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but if it were me, I'd walk. I wouldn't even be able to trust him given what you've said and his desire to be with others.

You also had mentioned he's a recovering addict. Does he attend any counseling or has he in the past to help deal with this?
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
avatar
Cakegirl32 replied to Spankyrae's response:
He has attended some counseling in the past. He's not currently in counseling. He wants to be with me, he says, but he wants to be able to be with others sexually because he says he's not satisfied. I have told him I can't do that. I will not do that because it would my self-respect. If it comes to it, I will leave, as hard as that will be because I love him.
 
avatar
Spankyrae replied to Cakegirl32's response:
Wow. I really hope you're learning not to take it personally or blame yourself. He expressed a concern & from what you said, made a legit effort to help... and it's still not enough?! I'm sorry you have to be in this place right now, but please hold onto that self-respect and stand your ground. There's men out there that will have no problem committing to you and cherishing your relationship. Good for you!
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
avatar
Cakegirl32 replied to Spankyrae's response:
We've been doing a little better lately. He says that it is getting better and he can feel more. I have been using Kegel weights. I'm not blaming myself. His idea of "helping" is sleeping with other people. That's not helping. That's what this whole thing has been about. I'm not the type of person who can handle a sexually open relationship, and he knows that.


Spotlight: Member Stories

Laugh real hard,and enjoy you life. Cause if you blink you will miss it.SMOOCHES!!!

Helpful Tips

How to change my story
I went to my community profile and it would let me edit my picture and signature but would not let me change my story. I had just realized ... More
Was this Helpful?
135 of 144 found this helpful

Helpful Resources

Be the first to post a Resource!

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.