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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
Feeling unattractive/depressed
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Manningrocks posted:
Hi am 30 years old been married for 10 years and have 3 wonderful kids, in year seven of my marriage my husband cheated on me with a 20 year old, we went to marriage counseling, and are still together, it has now been 2 years since I found out, but the problem I am having is I don't feel attractive, I find my husband always checking out other women, so that makes me think (what does she have that I don't), and when I do talk with him about my feelings he says I am over reacting, and that this is all crazy talk....I love my husband very much but I think the only that keeps me going everyday is my children....so how do I get past hating myself and thinking I am unattractive
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mrslee97658 responded:
I think you are feeling this way still because of your husband cheating on you. You try to blame yourself for him doing that to you and potentially ruining your marriage. Don't give him that power. Hopefully he isn't cheating any more so it shouldn't give you any reason to feel this way. I feel unattractive too some days but for me its because I just had a baby 2 months ago so I don't feel normal yet. But how I get over the unattractive feeling is my husband makes me feel good. Does yours tell you you're beautiful? Does he let you know that you are all he wants? If he doesn't then I am sorry but just know it wasn't because of how you look or anything that you did that made him cheat on you......that was all his doing.

I hope you get to feeling better about yourself (((((hugs))))))
Me 28, DH 43, DS1 (11), DD (8), DS2 (5), DS 3 (4), DS 4 (2 months)
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to mrslee97658's response:
I agree with everything mrslee said. ((HUGS))
 
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MyMonroe2011 responded:
I agree with mrslee first of all. We tend to "let ourselves go" after getting comfortable in a relationship and tend to put the focus on others, such as the kids of course, and not pay attention to ourselves like we used to. You need to start looking in the mirror everyday and not look at the "flaws" or what you consider to be unattractive, but tell yourself that you are beautiful, and that you are attractive, and focus on the good things. It is not your fault that your husband cheated on you, it is his fault, and don't ever feel like it was because you are not attractive or unworthy, you are better than that and deserve more. So do your children. JMO. He obviously has issues within himself! You don't have to be gorgeous and skinny, and a supermodel to be beautiful, it's what is on the inside that makes you who you are,and what makes you beautiful, and when you start to believe that, it is going to reflect on the outside and that confidence is going to show, therefore making you a beautiful person. Believe me, people notice that. Just take it one day at a time...do your hair..put on some make up...dress up one day...do whatever makes you feel good about yourself on the inside... and that is going to show on the outside.and that energy will radiate.....that's what makes a woman attractive to a man (a real man anyways). Those women do not have anything that you don't...you are unique and have many things that they don't have....always keep your head held high and don't ever think that you are unattractive and not worthy! You need to learn to love yourself before others can : ). I hope this helps you, and you can learn to love yourself and accept who you are as a person, and most of all that you are beautiful. Take care.... ; )
 
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queston replied to MyMonroe2011's response:
Speaking as a man (hopefully a real man), I agree. Inner beauty is in large part a reflection of inner confidence.

Also, as everyone else said, I'm so sorry that your husband cheated. Please don't feel like the fact that he looks at other women is a reflection on you--that's just what men do (pretty-much all men). If he is really gross or disrespectful about it, then you should tell him something like "I understand that you notice other women, because that's just how people are wired. But you should not be disrespectful to me (and them) in the way that you do so."

Finally, and I'm not saying that this is true, but it's just something to consider: it's not unusual for mothers of young children to be so caught up in their "mommy" role that they stop seeing themselves as wife, lover, temptress, object of desire, etc. If it's true that maybe you've let that side of yourself go a little, start trying to get it back. Maybe pamper yourself a little, beauty-wise (if you're into that sort of thing), see if you can send the kids to grandmas (or whatever) for the weekend and have a hot date--maybe you surprise him with new lingerie, a new "hairdo" down south, or whatever you and he might be into. It's entirely possible that when he looks at other women, he fantasizes that they are the kind of woman that would do such things, not be knee-deep in kids laundry, wearing granny-panties and mom jeans, etc.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
It's entirely possible that when he looks at other women, he fantasizes that they are the kind of woman that would do such things, not be knee-deep in kids laundry, wearing granny-panties and mom jeans, etc.

I realize there are men who are of that mindset and it is MADDENING. They help make the babies. The babies do things to OUR bodies (not the man's!!). The babies create more housework, more laundry, and at the end of that is often a man who thinks that little mama should be waiting on him hand and foot, too.

Where these neanderthals think that leaves any time for anyone without superhuman powers to look like a porn star 24/7 so they don't "lose interest" is a mystery to me.

Sometimes I wish these men could experience pregnancy and childbirth. Maybe they'd be a little more grateful and understanding.
 
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queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
Well, Steph, I think you've severely misinterpreted my statement. I'm not talking about anyone needing to wait on anyone else or look any particular way 24/7.

What I am saying is that there are many things that women tend to be better at than men. But balancing their role as parent with their other roles in life, including spouse/lover, is probably not one of them. Some women (and I have no idea if this applies to the OP or not) throw themselves so completely into the mom role that they pretty-much stop seeing themselves in the spouse/lover role at all. Men are much less likely to do this, even if they are doing there share of laundry and everything else. It's a case of taking an unequivocally admirable trait (dedication to parenting) a little too far to the point where it eclipses other important things.

I personally believe that the single greatest thing husbands and wives can do to be great parents is to be great spouses, who are happy together and sustain one another, and by doing so create a happy and stable home for their children. If stoking the fires sexually helps in this process (as it presumably would in most cases), then that's not a case of anyone being neanderthal, anyone unappreciated for their work, etc.
 
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ImMe26 replied to queston's response:
Im inclined to side with Steph on this ...I think if men could experience or understand more of what motherhood is, they would find "regular mom jean wearing woman" attractive. JMHO......

I think often times,men spend to much time thinking about their sexual needs instead of everyday life...also JMHO. Not that they should forget it, just that they put tooo much focus on it.

Marriage is a two way street , he also needs to be proactive in making her feel beautiful even when she isnt her best. Period. No woman should walk around feeling unwanted by their spouse...(goes for men too) thats what a husband is for (and wife) their your partner you best friend, whats more attractive then having someone that totally gets you and you can be you with?

IDK...just my two cents..
Don't put off tomorrow, what you can accomplish today!! Procrastination is a KILLER!!--ME(26)SO(28)DD1(10yr)DD2(8yr)DS(2yr)SO's-DD(8yr)DS1(6yrs)DD(5yr)LUV THEM ALL ALWAYS WANTED A HUGE FAMILY
 
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naggingwife74 replied to queston's response:
I do agree with you , queston. I can speak from my own personal experience when I say that I do sometimes forget what I use to do for my dbf before we had kids. And I am talking about things I did to arouse him or get him visually excited about me.

Now that we have kids shouldn't mean that he should like those things or expect them. Before the 2 youngest kids, I would get ready for him on certain nights and wear what he really liked and look the way I knew drove him crazy. Now that I have 2 kids 5 and under, I am tired by the end of the night and I walk around in my comfy shorts and tank top. I know that he gets tired of seeing me in the same thing each night and I have to remind myself to visually stimulate him at least once a week! If I don't force myself to do this I would get completely distracted with the needs of my kids and house and laundry and his needs would be left in the corner. I never want that to happen.

I also agree that when he looks at other women he does look at them in a fantasy way. He doesn't look at them and think, man I would love to see her scrubbing the bathroom after the kids are in bed. So since he does see me scrubbing the bathroom I like to make sure he remembers that he can also see me as a sexual, lustful woman. The only way to do that is to be that woman every once in a while.

To go the opposite direction, my dbf cleans the house, bathes the kids, cooks dinner and everything else that I do. So, once (for him, it's more like twice) a week he will do something for me to remind me of why we fell in love. He will put candles around the tub and put a movie on in the bathroom just for me. He will put money in my car and tell me to think about him while I have lunch out that day. He will shave parts of his body that he knows I like shaved.

It goes both ways, it really isn't a one sided issue. I just think that women notice it more then men do.
 
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naggingwife74 replied to naggingwife74's response:
That second paragraph should have read;

Now that we have kids shouldn't mean that he SHOULDN'T like those things.
 
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queston replied to naggingwife74's response:
I would like to add that my choice of the words "mom jeans" was meant more metaphorically than literally--I can see why that might have raised some eyebrows (and tempers) and distracted from the point I was trying to make, which was not primarily about how women do or don't dress.

If you'll recall (for those old enough to recall), the catch phrase in that SNL sketch "Because you're not a woman, you're a mom!" That's the idea I was addressing, not the literal choice of wearing a certain style of jeans.
 
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Spankyrae replied to queston's response:
I totally remember that sketch & it was hilarious! And true for some women!

I see both sides having a valid point here. Some mothers do dive all in to the mother role and avoid spousal interaction. Some mothers are doing too much when their husband should be helping. And some mothers probably feel their looks are low on the list of priorities, so the sweats and other elastic pants are part of the standard wardrobe.

It seems the resolution is for both man & woman to step up: men, step up and take some of the responsibilities off your wife so she can relax more. (And we should all know that a relaxed woman is more likely to be aroused.) Women, make sure you have that me-time. Make it as much of a priority as the others on your list. As for the loss of identity, I think this is especially important to remember.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com/
http://CreativeBlossoming.wordpress.com
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
No, I don't think I misinterpreted anything. I said there ARE men out there who are like that. And it's disgusting.

If a husband has a problem with the way his spouse is dressing and feels she's completely overtaken by the mommy role, then he needs to tell her that. Not sit and fantasize about other women and cheat.

Thankfully I don't have a husband like that. He loves me whether I'm all dressed up for a night out or if I'm in my oldest clothes cleaning all day.

That's what a mature, loving husband does. He understands.
 
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stephs_3_kidz replied to queston's response:
FTR, I don't even own any mom jeans. LOL

But I do have a pretty good collection of yoga pants.
 
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queston replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
FWIW Steph, most guys seem to agree that yoga pants are a pretty flattering look.


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