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This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
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Jessyka76 posted:
My husband and I have been married for 12 years now, I have settled over the years with the fact he has all his personal belongings except clothes packed in boxes. Things from his childhood to recent movies which he keeps separate from me and our children. I cant help to notice now that we have been married so long, why wont he unpack his things? You know, put movies with all movies, put important personal things with everyone else s. He even has a shower case with his things in it in the bathroom in the bottom drawer. What is wrong? What does this mean? When will it end or will it?
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Spankyrae responded:
Have you simply asked him why his stuff is separate?

I don't think it's necessary anything to look deeply into. He may just prefer to keep his toiletries (or anything else) separate from damage and/or everyone else's hands.
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An_241258 responded:
Sounds slightly odd but best bet would be to ask him honestly. Don't make it out like its a bad thing (as it isnt really), just ask out of curiosity why he keeps everything separately.


We all have little habits or parts of our personality that seem odd. He may do it out of protection, worried that one day all will fall apart and he can easily grab his possessions and move on. Or maybe he finds it a part of who he is. That he shares his life with you, and his kids but he still has some ownership and possession of his own personal belongings, and they aren't shared with everyone else to touch. I really dont know, but i'd be curious to know so ask him and see what he says!
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Why is it after 12 years of being his wife you haven't unpacked those things for him? I know for some people that's crossing a line, but for me it was my first thought. Have you asked him about it? Is he very closed down and to himself in other areas of life? Is there some sort of trauma from his childhood or past that you are tip toeing around?

I guess I don't get it? 12 years is a long time to pass without asking about this already. What makes you ask now?

Is he holding onto some sort of fear that you are going to leave him?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
The first thing that came to mind: Is he a germaphobe? Does he have signs of OCD?

Maybe it's not anything personal. My husband and I have some of our things in totes put away in our closet to protect them (old yearbooks, memory books, etc.) but I have seen his and he's seen whatever of mine he thought to look at.
 
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
Maybe he just hasn't gotten around to it. I know it's been 12 years but I've been in my house for 12 years and still have boxes I haven't unpacked. A former co-worker and his wife had boxes they hadn't unpacked after living in their house for years. They finally donated them to charity after making sure there wasn't anything important in them.
 
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Jessyka76 responded:
I asked him about it years ago and it was simply he had no where to put his things, later I talked to my counselor and she said "is he ready to go somewhere"? I left it alone for a few years thinking one day he would unpack them on his own, It was brought to my attention recently because I forgot about it, I did ask him again and he said he didn't want what he had left of who he is destroyed by the kids, I have not unpacked his things out of respect to his privacy. He don't go through my things and I don't go through his. I think in the past when er were first dating, he was quick to pack and move, instead of work through an issue. He said he would unpack his things if he has a safe place to put them. Part of my insecurity was due to his new job and being lonely. Thank you for your advice and answers to my question.
 
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An_240941 replied to Jessyka76's response:
My husband had the same issue...He had a rough childhood & rough life in general. He didn't want me going through the boxes or touching them or unpacking them or anything. It drove me nuts. Especially since the one time I did try to unpack them, not knowing it was a problem for him, it was not really anything people would really find that important, some of it was but not all of it. For example he had school projects he did as a child all the was to personal belongs of his late grandparents, some cds, even shoes. Finally I did get him to speak up. Turns out it was all he could manage to save from all the times he was forced to move around. He had trouble adjusting. He always questioned whether or not where his life was at at that moment was going to remain stable or not. He has gotten passed that now. He still has kept the stuff & it is still packed away & stored in the basement, but at least now he doesn't freak out if I go through it. Maybe your husband just struggles with working through similar issues considering his past?...
 
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alaska_mommy replied to Jessyka76's response:
Maybe you just need to work with him on this, I wonder if you could get a special storage area like a chest where he could store all his things, with a key or lock that the kids won't be able to get into. That way he can "unpack" his things and have them in the house but still safe from being messed with. Maybe offer to help him unpack or ask if he would mind if you see his things? If he's willing to show you his stuff, you might feel more a part of his past.
 
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lvnglf75 responded:
Ask him, that is the best way to get an answer straight from the horses mouth, dont make assumptions...if you have been together this long, I think he will be comfortable answering but even if you dont like the answer thank him and be supportive that he opened up to you...


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