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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Checkin in
    MissCaptainKirk posted:
    Hey everybody, I haven't been on here in a long time (so so sorry) and I just wanted to check in real quick. I'd meant to write a long time ago but some very sudden emergency situations happened and I wasn't at work for a long time and also at my sister's so I had no Internet connection. I had to have an urgent surgery so I couldn't get around by myself and my phone is from like a decade ago and hasn't really been working. I did think about all of you from time to time though and I hope everybody's ok!

    I'm recovering pretty well now and back at work. I managed to get through my classes (I was blessed with very understanding teachers) and so I'm done with college. My husband and I have been working on our relationship through all this, and I think it was fortunate I was at a distance. We're still going to marriage counseling and he broke down a while ago and arranged to meet with a personal counselor (which, if any of you know my story, is one of the biggest miracles in history). In talking to him he's realized he has some serious issues in his past he needs to deal with. I think it has a lot to do with his childhood/young adult life but I'm not sure what the root of it is and I'm not going to pry. He's made some admirable progress in some areas but of course there's still a long journey of rebuilding himself ahead.

    I'm currently living with him again, and it hasn't been bad. I'd say that in the past few months I've really changed as a person. I think you would call it "growing up" and I've learned more about the way the world works in the past few months than I have in my entire life before then. I don't really like knowing the evil, dirty, nitty-gritty details of the world and of people but some of us just can't live in ignorant bliss I guess. And the Midwestern weather this time of year is REALLY not helping my melancholy-ness. *wry smile*

    In all this I've at least gotten a little closer to my sister and gotten along pretty well with my mom. When I told my husband I had to be away from him, I asked my sister and mom for help and they helped me and didn't ask any questions. They drove me around and stuff after I started getting better after the surgery and we actually got along.
    My husband was very angry when I said I needed to be away from him, but after a while he FINALLY woke up to reality and realized I was gone and might be gone for good, he came to me and told me how wrong he was and that he'd do anything and everything to change himself and that he understood if I didn't want to come back right away but that he really needed my help in bettering himself. He's been keeping his word so far at doing everything he can and hasn't complained about any of his different recovery meetings he does all of them faithfully.

    Granted, he still has extreme mood-swings/struggles with porn addiction, but I'm still of the opinion he has something psychologically wrong like bipolarism and needs professional help (which he's voluntarily getting). I also haven't allowed myself to be pushed around which makes him mad sometimes but he's trying to push me around less and less because he actually realizes he's doing it now. He's also realized he has an addictive personality and if he feels he's doing something too much he quits on his own.

    Like I said, if any of you know my story you know this is all miraculous. It's been so awful and hard but I always thought of everything you guys taught me and I thank you. That's my update, the end.
    darlyn05 responded:
    So nice to hear from you MCK. I just popped in for a second myself. I'll write more later. Hugs and stay strong standing your ground.
    tmlmtlrl responded:
    Thank you so much for posting an update! I was worried about you because you just disappeared. I hope things went well with the surgery.

    It's very nice to hear your sister and mom took you in with open arms. I really had faith that they would.

    Good for you for holding strong! I knew you had it in you and sounds like your husband sees that too. He just really had to see that you were serious about things needing to change.

    Very very good to have you back
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    stephs_3_kidz responded:
    I'm so glad to hear such a positive update from you, MCK. Sorry to hear about your surgery and difficult recovery, but I'm very happy that you did have help through it all. And so proud that you gathered the strength and courage to stand up for yourself. That's awesome!

    It's very encouraging that your husband has agreed to counseling. That is a huge step and if he faces his own problems he's much more likely to have an understanding of how to fix the marital problems.

    ((HUGS)) Great to hear from you!!
    Spankyrae responded:
    I am glad (and relieved!) to see you posting again. I wish you much more progress with everyone and with yourself--especially you. Make sure you do what you have to so your body can heal properly. You deserve it. I remember you talking about also having some female issues before so hopefully if you had surgery it will make everything all better now. Look forward to you posting again.
    MissCaptainKirk replied to darlyn05's response:
  • Hugs*

    It's been real hard lately to stay strong, it makes me so tired mentally/emotionally/physically but it's so much better than being a doormat.

    Thanks for stoppin by to say hi.
    MissCaptainKirk replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
    Yes, I'm sorry I disappeared so suddenly but it was not a controllable situation...I needed to get away from my husband immediately, and then stuff just kept piling up.

    Being with my sister had its high and low points. The high points were that she cared enough to let me stay with her and never bothered me with questions and we did some fun stuff together. The low points being that she's still mean-spirited in a lot of ways like my mom and makes derisive comments about me, and that she lives with a group of people who party/smoke pot/have group sex almost every night. And then all the vomiting they do the next morning... But I'm still glad for the times we had fun.

    I know that my husband takes me so much more seriously now. Unfortunately that means he hides the bad things he does a lot more than he used to like creating multiple email accounts and he's figured out how to rent erotic movies through his Playstation on a fake account he says was his friends' Playstation account. Well, he tries to hide it, but he isn't very good at it so I always find out and I really wish I didn't ever find out. I mean, I know it's going on but I would just like to not accidentally see it and have my brain put in shock.

    I'm struggling right now with "feeling normal". Ironically through all this I'm a lot more accepting of myself and my body because I know that even with tons of plastic surgery I'd never look like a porn star obviously so I'm just satisfied with myself. But it's difficult to just act loving and not become distant all the time. Trying to find the proper balance. I'll be having a good day and just able to forget it all for a second and then in one way or another it comes back. At random times I just have the urge to cry.

    My faith has at least gotten stronger in all this and I guess that's the best part. I'm trying to learn how to not depend on another human for love.

    And I really miss the feeling of being in love. I'm not in love with him anymore. I mean I do love him, but...not in love, not romantic love. It's really hard, I never thought I wouldn't be in love with him. I really miss that.

    I miss a lot of things.

    But I'm still better off than I was before so I know progress is possible. Gotta keep on truckin.
    MissCaptainKirk replied to stephs_3_kidz's response:
    I really hope he gets to the root of his problems. I think he's buried it inside himself and probably won't be able to fully change until he uncovers it.

    And yeah I agree, once he's able to fix himself then he can turn the attention to our marriage. I just need to remind myself not to be selfish, that I need to be patient because he's working on himself and that's what needs to happen first.
    MissCaptainKirk replied to Spankyrae's response:
    I'm doing a lot to heal properly which I haven't done in the past. The people at work are really nice about it and some of them help me with things like lifting/carrying all the heavy boxes I have to deliver to the offices and stuff like that.

    I love being at work, I feel really at home here. The people I work with accept me as a talented adult and are encouraging. I mean there's the crazy people too and the drug raids and threats of violence to my person, lol, but I still would rather be here than at my apartment. I hate it there, it makes me feel all creepy and dirty. I had to make myself stop taking like 3 showers a day because I don't feel clean there. I know it's spiritual so I pray a lot over it. Unfortunately Christmas Break is coming up where the college is shut down for a while. I've filled up my schedule with a thousand things I need to do and seeing some friends but I still dread having to be at the apt more than usual.

    Oh and...I hate Christmas, lol.
    MissCaptainKirk responded:
    Thanks to you guys for replying, I'm glad that I get to talk to you all again. Hope you're having a super great day!
    FCL replied to MissCaptainKirk's response:
    You have no idea how relieved I am to see you back! Welcome!
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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