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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
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    3point14 posted:


    I guess I want to preface this by saying I'm a little bit hoping that this doesn't post, that webmd messes up and I don't have to think about this anymore. I feel as though I'm risking the respect of a lot of people here, and I guess I'm doing that only because I can't take the same risk in my day-to-day life. I'm sorry in advance if this offends anyone, but I really have nowhere else to go and I'm getting to a point where I need to vent somewhere, to someone. My heart is breaking.

    Long story short,M and I found out about a week and a half ago that we were expecting. I'd been sick and tired for about two weeks. I've been on the pill for a year and a half, and took it at 8:15 every morning...We discussed before we'd started a sexual relationship what we would do if this happened, and our decision had been to abort. We discussed it further, and that was still our decision. So that's what we did. It was a horrible process, I took the pill, and passed the fetus on Christmas Eve eve.

    Christmas took the worst of my constant, gnawing sadness away, but now it's not Christmas and I don't feel like a human anymore. I'm not on the same birth control anymore, and we've upped what we plan on for prevention. But I just feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by my birth control. I feel betrayed by my own OCD for trusting that if I took that medication properly, it would do what it was supposed to. I feel betrayed because now, looking closely at my friends and family, I have nobody to turn to. Nobody would support my decision, and nobody would respect that it was mine...I just don't want to be my Mom. I don't want to have a kid in my early 20's and ruin its' life with poverty and selfishness. I'm not prepared to give things up for a kid. I'm not prepared to put something else first.

    I don't regret what I did. I feel like it truly was the best choice for M and I, and he's been nothing but supportive. At the same time, I feel out of control. I was given Percoset for the pain, though I asked not to be given it. It's a struggle not to take five and sleep. It's hard having those drugs in my house, but I go through moments where the abdominal pain is so bad that they're the only things that keep me from hysterics.

    I'm still bleeding, and that could go on for another month, sometimes it's even longer. I've put on weight. M and I haven't had sex in a thousand years and I am petrified. I'm scared I won't respond, I'm scared he sees me differently, I'm scared this birth control won't work, I'm scared I'll have to go through this again, I'm scared he'll leave me if we don't start having sex, I'm scared it'll be too different I'm scared. I cry randomly and I mostly just feel really, really sorry for this little creature that I did not and do not want. I'm scared I'm damned for making the decision I did, and scared that there's something wrong with me because in my heart of hearts, I'm happier to be bearing this on my own rather than putting a kid through the hell of a mother who didn't want it.

    I just feel really lost. I keep saying out loud and to myself that I'm going to use this to really get myself together, be more motivated at work and with school and at the gym. I want to use this as a catalyst for eventually preparing myself for a more settled life, not kids, but like just living more comfortably and a house and whatnot. But in actuality I've been getting more than my usual holiday drunk, and I'm having a hard time being at work without just losing it. I don't see the point in make-up or fashion because I am a tainted thing. I have stomach aches all the time which I'm sure is just physically what I'm going through but the headaches have to be stress...I'm just devastated. I feel broken in pieces and empty and evil.

    Thank you for reading. I'm sorry to be a huge downer but this is the only place I can.
    queston responded:
    I'm so sorry for your struggles.

    I want you to know that I respect your decision and that it was yours (plural) to make. I know some people would say that it was selfish, and hell, maybe it was, But it's not selfish to want to not subject a child to parents who aren't ready for and dedicated to parenting.

    I'm old enough to be your father, and if I were, I'd be much more concerned with your pain than with whether or not I condoned or agreed with your decision. Hopefully you have some people in your life IRL that would feel the same.

    Also, this would be an excellent time to seek some professional counseling. I believe you are still student, right? Does your school have counseling services available?

    And, of course, you know deep down that time soothes and eventually heals wounds. In the meantime, you're in my thoughts and prayers. You seem like a very strong young woman to me--that's going to come in handy now.
    3point14 replied to queston's response:
    Thank you so much, question. It was a selfish choice, but (and this is a sh**y thing to think) but I care more about my mental health and my relationship and my finances than a month old bundle of cells. I had debated briefly carrying it to term and putting it up for adoption, but I thought that would be unfair down the road if it got in touch with me. I couldn't put a smiley face on it, and I don't want to make a child feel unloved in the world.

    I'm not capable of being a mother. Being pregnant was REVOLTING to me. The sick dizzy feeling repulsed me, I ate the bare minimum to not feel faint...I couldn't get the word "parasite" out of my head. I hate that I feel this way. It saddens me on a level I wasn't aware of that literally zero maternal instinct kicked in. I've always said No to kids...

    I'm too scared to go to anyone I know. I don't think they'd understand. They see M and I as this happy, stable couple, and we are, but like... we just really don't want kids. My family's been "joking" about when are we gonna get married, when are we gonna have kids, and I think it would devastate them to really have to realize that's not in the gameplan for me.

    I have a follow-up appointment on the fourth and I want to get some resources for group therapy. I still don't believe I'm ready for one-on-one, and because I'm only a part time student at a community college, I don't think they have any resources open to me.

    Your kind words mean the world to me. I'm trying hard to see this as another thing I've gone through, a bed I've made and now need to lie in, but I think that harshness is killing me. I'm pretty obviously pro-choice, but I've never thought abortion wasn't murder. I am a murderer in my heart.
    tlkittycat1968 replied to 3point14's response:
    I think having a child or not is a purely personal decision. While I don't condone abortion as a means of regular birth control, in your case you were using birth control properly and it failed you. While there are those who would condem you for what you did, I am not one of them. There are people who would say you should have given it up for adoption but feeling the way you did about being pregnant (revolted, repulsed) says that would not have been the right choice for you.

    Your mental health and relationship are more important than a baby at this point. If you are not mentally healthy and do not have a good relationship, that is the worst situation to bring a baby into.

    It's possible you may change your mind about kids in the future but you might not. That is your decision and no one can or should make it for you.

    In addition to finding out about group therapy options, ask your doctor if they know of any support groups for women who have had abortions. I'm sure there are some out there and being able to talk to other women who have gone through the same thing might help.

    You are not a tainted human being. You did not make a mistake. You made the right choice for you.
    Rhondamay replied to 3point14's response:
    3point14, my heart aches for you. You made the right decision and you are not a murderer by any stretch for terminating a pregnancy. No woman should be compelled to continue an unwanted pregnancy. Don't buy into the drivel of those who only care about children until they are born. These are the same people that want to see us all barefoot and pregnant with no self determination. This will pass and the pain will subside and your life go on. Please know there are many of us who care about you.

    Spankyrae responded:
    If you were close to me, I'd hug you so hard til your eyes started bulging out.

    You guys had to make a very hard decision, which will take some time to get through. And you don't have to tell anyone else if you don't feel like you can. It could prove to be more stress than it's worth, if that person feels very passionately about abortion. But make sure to be there for each other.

    I can understand the desire to self-medicate. But you will be much better off, mentally & physically, if you have a more constructive alternative to dealing with this. I know you love hiking & it's also cold where you live, but maybe a nice walk in nature could help. Or perhaps something creative, like art writing, cooking, etc. Yoga? Meditation? If your mind works how mine does, with the over-thinking & not being able to stop thinking about something at times, then a healthy escape could really help. Something to take your mind off things.

    You guys (or he) may not want to use a second form of birth control, but it could really help. Also, if you have an OB/GYN or primary doctor, I would follow up with them. Just to make sure everything's ok with your body. Your hormones may be out of whack too considering everything, and that could be contributing to your mood.

    As cliche as it sounds, I think time will help also.
    FCL responded:
    3point14, you have just made one of the most difficult decisions of your life. You made it after looking at all your options and deciding logically what was the best route to follow. This was your decision, you accept responsability for it - you own it - and you made the choice that was right for you.

    Your feelings are all that are normal just now. The fear that things will have changed, the fear of BC not working again, the sorrow, the sadness, the tears, the anger at yourself, the feeling of betrayal ...all of this is to be expected after what you've just been through. And it's all heightened by your hormonal situation. Time will help ease some of that but, if you possibly can, please get counselling because your one major need just now is to talk about this. You need to hear someone tell you that you're not a bad person. You need to work through your emotions.

    All I can do is send you tons of positive vibes and loads of (((((HUGS))))).

    Be kind to yourself...
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    kristinmarie722 responded:

    I think you did a very smart thing. You know what you can handle. You know what is best for you. I am a firm believer of not bringing a baby into the world if you dont feel that you can handle it. As long as you are not using abortion as a form of birth control.
    Trust me, having a baby with no money, not ready, is super hard. I would never take back my son, but it's been a hard road. It has finally just gotten better for me, 61/2 years down the road. And because I had my son and all the drama that went with it, I wont be having anymore kids and that makes me sad too
    I hope you start feeling better soon. I think time will heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    3point14 replied to kristinmarie722's response:
    Thank you so much, everyone. This has helped me so much, I can't tell you how much the kindness and support means to me.

    M and I made a plan of attack last night, discussed more in depth the more birth control we're going to use (pill, barrier, and spermicide) and what I'm going to do to get better. At my follow-up where I got the pills to induce the abortion I'll find some group therapy. M and I will also find a counselor who will see both of us, and we'll get through it together.

    I'm going to focus on not self-destructing. Last night I did take a pain pill because my body felt like it was hit by an angry truck, but I did stop at one. I stupidly self harmed a little bit, but like...I just won't do that again. I had the abortion to give myself a chance at the kind of life I want, it wouldn't make sense to then throw that away over guilt.

    I can't wait to not feel crazy. I feel like a stranger in my own skin.
    RoseLynn02 replied to 3point14's response:
    Hunny, we talk almost every day on the dieting know I'm a mom & about my life...Why didn't you say something to me? You haven't been on there in a while & I was so worried & now I know I had a reason to be.

    You have no reason to feel selfish. NONE! You did the most unselfish made a complicated decision not to bring a child into the world that you knew you weren't ready for. Imagine what would have been the result had you of chosen the opposite. I think my dear that would have been much worse for you & the child. You shouldn't feel guilt for making the best choice you possibly could of, considering the situation. I know from talking to you that you & your SO have a good relationship & you're right...that doesn't mean you should be married or have're still young. Take it from me, you know I'm a young mother & it isn't easy. It's hard to go to school, be married to a trucker, & be a mom all at once & although I do it & love every minute it isn't for everyone & I definitely wouldn't candy coat it to make it sound like it's a breeze.

    Of course it's hard for you. You made a little life with someone you love, but if you weren't even a month along than it didn't even have a heart beat & if you were able to pass it naturally & not have a d/c then it was about the size of a peanut if even. but you are still you...making that choice doesn't change who you are. you're not evil from what I know of you & your SO loves you & just because you don't feel like having sex anytime soon doesn't mean he will stop being supportive & eventually you will want to be sexually active again.

    I'm so sorry you feel like you have no family/friend support, but I'm here & obviously so are a lot of other people on here. Nothing you did deserves negative judgement, but rather...I'm proud you were able to make that hard decision knowing you aren't ready. My cousin was going to put her baby up for adoption 12 yrs ago, but re-nigged after the baby was born & now after a tragic drug infused life her kid was taken from her. She knew then she wasn't ready & she should have listened to her intuition...but it's a lot harder to give up a baby once it's actually physically there & you went through the 9 months of carrying it & hours of labor. You have a big heart & I think doing that would have been harder for you & destroyed you. This you will get past. Your currant feelings aren't crazy, just show you're human.

    If you want to talk you know I'm on here & if not that's cool too, but I do support your choice. Your doctor should be able to recommend a support group (they are out there) or you should be able to get a town resource guide from you health dept. that will give you several different options. A lot of the help groups for couples therapy & such are free depending on income. Also your school counselor should be able to give you affordable or free options to as where to seek help as well if that truly is what you & your SO feel you guys need.

    Much love dear. You will be ok, but please let yourself feel what you need to feel rather than trying to hide it or cover it with alcohol. If you feel like self destructing or self mutilation begins to occur please stop yourself if you can & get to a self help hotline or call a friend or family member or get on here & post it just to get the emotion out. This # is not just for suicide prevention but self mutilation prevention too. Use it if you need it please.

    National Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433 .
    3point14 replied to RoseLynn02's response:

    Thank you so much. I've been trying to comfort myself with that too, it didn't have a heartbeat yet, and the doctors said they couldn't even do any kind of surgical removal because it wasn't yet big enough and it could've damaged me internally. I don't think I would've been able to do it if the fetus was further along...

    I appreciate so much how kind you are. I was actually going to start posting on the dieting boards because heh, obviously I've been stress/comfort eating like a mofo. But I've been nervous about bringing it up even here, and I'd hate to have someone who has issues with this kind of topic just stumble on it...Though I guess trying to see the upside, the positive pregnancy test did confirm why I couldn't lose weight and felt so terrible.

    Well...I'm almost out of work. It was a hard day today. A cute baby came in and a co-worker that doesn't know what I'm going through said "You and M would have a cuter kid". That hurt my heart a lot. We probably would have. But I only had to go out to my car for a little while. I'm hoping tomorow's even better. Thank you for being a good friend to me.
    darlyn05 responded:
    There is nothing I can add to what others have already written. Please rest assured that you are not alone nor the only person to have had to make such a decision. You are not evil.

    Sending you soft gentle hugs.
    GuardSquealer replied to darlyn05's response:
    I also support your decision. I often thought about this when I was in high school. It was always a topic of debate. But I felt and still feel that you shouldn't bring a child into this world until you are completely ready to do so.

    It is a tough choice, but an unselfish one. If you were my daughter I would have given you the same advice. And then a big hug.

    I know it is easy to say, "don't feel bad". And know one can know exactly how you do feel because none of us are you. But I feel you should have no shame, put it behind you and move forward. Hold your head high and know that you made the best choice given your circumstances.
    BalconyBelle replied to GuardSquealer's response:

    I'm in the opposite camp, but I understand your reasons for making the decision you did. If it helps, I don't think you're evil, or tainted, or inhuman...I think you made a heartbreaking, truly hard call, and you have my sympathies for the pain you're going through.

    On a more personal note...I can assure you that time DOES make it better. I lost my child due to miscarriage following a viral fever, and I thought I'd go insane with the grief and guilt I felt. It took several months for that black fog to lift, but it did. You'll have M to help you and support you on your way out. The loss of a baby is painful, regardless of how you got there, and you have my deepest sympathies.
    gagafan responded:
    Its easier for me to say that things will be alright because i haven't gone through something like this but all I want to say is that you're alive. There's a reason why the fetus isn't here and you are. We only have one life to live and your choices in life matter. Some people make decisions that they're not 100% behind it and they suffer because of it. It's your life, it's your decision, and it's up to you to turn this around and make good out of what had happened. It might take weeks, months, or years, you might think about this for the rest of your life, it's part of you now and the hard part about everything is accepting that it had happened and moving on with it. I'm sorry that you feel so bad physically and mentally. Go to your happy place in a healthy way. You are very intelligent and kind hearted. Do not hurt yourself even more, quick fix never fixes anything. What's done is done. Pray if you need to girl. Hang in there.

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